How Shall I Speak of Doom?
by the best of s
Summary: How shall I speak of doom, and ours in special, but as of something altogether common? [[set after shots rang out during prom]]
1. Now Comes the Evening of the Mind

(a/n) I will be updating this story regularly. It is my take on things that happened immediately after the gunshots in the season two finale. Please let me know how you like it, tell me it sucks, tell me you love it. Just let me know. Thanks for reading.

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Spencer was on the ground.

Spencer was on the ground, and with that, I was thrown into hysterics. What could I do?

"Aiden!" I caught his eye, and he barreled over Spencer, covering her body with her own.

Someone pulled me down onto the ground, knees hitting gravel, body hitting nature's floor. Screaming filled my ears, but I knew they weren't my own. My teeth had clamped down on my lip, all the adrenaline in my body needing an outlet and finding one in that simple movement.

Three more gunshots, and I had drawn blood. I let it fill my mouth as I heard the sound of car tires squealing, then dead silence. More frightening than anything. I didn't move an inch, though every part of my brain was screaming at me to get up. Get up, you coward.

Someone cried out, and I peeked my head up, looking around as my pulse pounded. I spat out a mouthful of blood and pulled myself to my feet, glancing around in a daze. People looked terrified, eyes roaming to and from each other with tears unshed, unified in a tragedy that was entirely unexpected but would leave them shaken for nights to come. The air still rang from bullets shot.

I stumbled my way through the crowd, avoiding eye contact. I had just one goal. Find Spencer. There was chaos now, things were getting louder, but my vision tunneled, leading to one spot.

Aiden was rolling off of Spencer, and his shirt was soaked in bright red blood. My stomach clenched, a bucket of icewater replacing my insides.

"Aiden?"

He looked down at his shirt, dumbfounded. His eyes were glazed over, and my bottom lip began to shake.

"Aiden? Did she...did she.."

I let my eyes fall away from his and down toward her crumpled form, and in a flash, I was next to her. Blood stained the front of her dress, and her eyes were squeezed shut. As long as I live, I'll never forget the sound she was making. Like a dying animal.

"Spencer."

Tears waiting to spill clogged my throat, but I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I reached out to touch her face and her eyes shot open, startling me. They were a brilliant blue.

"Ash..."

I knew immediately that she understood the enormity of the situation, and also, that she was in a lot of pain.

"I'm shot."

Her voice was weak. She began to cry, wincing through her tears.

"Spencer, shhh, shhh." I told her calmly, my voice taking on an odd quality, devoid of emotion.

"Someone call an ambulance!" I heard Aiden screaming behind me, and this seemed to scare Spencer. I reached down to hold her, but her whimpering told me that she couldn't bear to be touched. I cringed, grabbing her hand and placing it over my chest.

"You're gonna be fine, Spence...'cause, you're not hurt...and you feel that?" I held onto her eyes with my own, covering her blood stained hand with mine, holding it over my heart. "That's my heart...feel it? That's my heart, and it's yours, too...so you're gonna be okay...can you feel it?"

She nodded, her eyes mirroring all the fright I felt in my own. This night, this was supposed to be our night. Our night to be Ashley and Spencer, in love, with nothing else to care about but each other. How had this happened? Spencer was a vision, an angel splattered with blood and fear.

"It hurts. It hurts so bad."

Her face is twisted in pain, and her eyes close.

"Spencer. Spencer, you have to keep your eyes open."

I tighten my grip on her hand, my heart beginning to beat faster. Impossible, it seemed, but it happened. My pulse thundered in my ears. Her eyes opened, but not fully.

"Like that. Just, ah, just keep breathing...like this." I let her feel the rise and fall of my chest with her hand, and her eyes begin to close again. "Spencer! Breathe with me, 'kay? We're gonna breathe together..."

Her eyes flutter open weakly, and she struggles to take a breath. I hear ambulances in the distance, and she does, too. She lets go of my hand, and slowly lets her fingers touch my lip.

"You're bleeding."

She says it softly, then her eyes close and her hand drops. My eyes go wide.

"Spence!" My eyes dare travel down to her stomach, where the blood is steadily growing in a small puddle. I let myself touch the red muck, the stuff pouring from Spencer's stomach in mass amounts. Her chest rises and falls.

The sirens wail, becoming closer, and I'm still holding Spencer's hand over my chest, staring dumbly at my stained fingers. "You'll be okay." I manage to say, before being pushed out of the way by strong arms.

The paramedics surround Spencer, and I feel arms wrap around me. I look at the scene surrounding us, letting Aiden rock my gently in his arms.

"Ash. Are you okay?"

I ignore him. What a stupid question.

People are staring at Spencer, people are crying, and I don't want to know if anyone else is hurt.

"We got a steady pulse. Let's load her up."

I look over Aiden's shoulder, watching Spencer being placed delicately on a stretcher. Her eyes are closed, and his grip tightens on me, both of us seeing her being wheeled away.

"She's..."

I don't finish my thought, instead, I catch Spencer's eyes shoot open, zeroing in and finding me in the crowd. I wriggle myself out of Aiden's grasp immediately, but by then, they're closing the doors on her.

"We have to follow her."

"Ash, you're covered in..."

He doesn't want to say it, and I look down, my entire upper body smeared in blood.

"I don't care." I push past him. "We have to go with her."

Someone shoulder checks me violently, and I spin around. Glen Carlin meets me with a frenzied expression, hanging up his cell phone.

"You aren't going anywhere, bitch. Stay with him." He looks like he's been crying, and then he pushes past me angrily and heads to the parking lot, where Clay is bringing the car around. I didn't bring my car.

I turn to Aiden. "Give me your keys."

"I'm not - "

"Give me those goddamn keys right now!" I let myself scream at him. "This is all your fault! You stupid, selfish, motherfucker!"

He looks like I slapped him, then reaches into his pocket and holds his keys out to me. I grab them, glaring daggers at him.

"I'm sorry." He appears shaken. "Do you want me to come with you?"

I turn on my heel, not caring at all how he feels at the moment, and head for the car.

I have to get to Spencer, before I fall apart.


	2. You Can Lay Down Your Armor

(a/n) Hope you guys like it so far.

--

I sat outside the hospital, in Aiden's car, for a long time. You could say I was paralyzed with fear, you could say I couldn't quite get my legs to function.

You could say a lot of things.

When I finally managed to pull myself from the driver's seat and walk towards the hospital, you could definitely say I had the strange combination of being shaken and stiff with fear. People gave me strange looks, and I approached the front desk of the emergency room, avoiding the stares.

"Uh, a girl was brought in...from the shooting at the King High prom." I mumble.

"Who are you, sweetheart?"

Her tone is so gentle, and I'm so unprepared for it, that I begin to cry. Of course, I don't realize this until I feel the wetness on my cheeks. I'm numb.

"I'm Ashley Davies." I say, tears coming quickly now. I don't try to stop them. "I just really need to see Spencer."

"What do you think you're doing here?"

I recognize the voice before I turn around. Paula Carlin.

"I'm here for Spencer."

I try to sound brave, I try to sound like I'm not crumbling from the inside out. Apparently, I've failed. Paula gives me a stricken look, which makes me think I should have changed my outfit.

"Ashley, are you..."

She looks concerned, and I shake my head quickly.

"No, it's not mine. It's Spencer's."

I wish I hadn't said that. Paula's face falls, and she looks lost for a minute. "You really shouldn't be here, Ashley."

I look behind her, seeing the Carlin family lined up in chairs, looking grim. Glen is glaring at me, and it suddenly occurs to me that I might not have a friend in the world right now. That does it.

The tears come back, more profusely than before. "I'm sorry." I manage to stutter out, looking down at my ruined dress. "Tonight was supposed to be...it was supposed to be..."

Paula gives me a look of pure pity, and her jaw sets before reaching out and pulling me into a hug that doesn't allow me to breathe.

"She looked so scared." I whisper against Paula's shoulder, not returning the hug, frozen completely in shock. "I didn't know what to do, and she looked so scared...I'm so sorry."

Paula pulls away from me as quickly as she hugged me, delivering a quick slap to my face that I cannot, for the life of me, feel. I don't know why I feel like I deserve it. I look at her, jaw slack, and the tears won't stop.

"My little girl..." Paula starts to say, hand covering her mouth, and Arthur comes over, pulling her away from me, consoling her. He doesn't look at me, but I see Glen approach from behind him. He looks ridiculous; red rimmed eyes, and he's still in that kilt.

He blinks a few times, holding tears back. "Get the hell out of here."

I just shake my head, wiping at my tears like a small child.

"You have no right to be here." His voice cracks, and I know all the fight's gone out of him.

"She'll be okay, Glen."

My voice waivers, and he looks at me like he hates me. I walk past him, going to sit on the far side of the waiting room. Away from them. Away from their grief.

I watch the Carlin family, an outsider, but I know how they're feeling. They feel like the world's ending and all they can do is sit.

I was never one for sitting. I wring my hands together in my lap, tears drying on my cheeks, and try to remember the Lord's prayer.

"See, God..." I start, when my memory fails me. I haven't prayed...well, ever. "There's this girl." My voice isn't audible to anyone besides myself. "And she's everything to me." My eyes well up, and I clench my jaw, continuing the prayer in my head. _You have to make her better, because we're not done down here yet. Her family loves her, and I don't think I could get along without her. So, I know I haven't been the very best, but... _One fat tear rolls down my cheek. _You can't take her._

_You can't have her._

"Paula."

I shoot my head up. _Amen._

Paula Carlin walks across the floor in a hurry, eyes on the broad shouldered, dark eyed doctor in front of her. "Ben. Tell me. Tell me my little girl's okay." The pleading in her voice makes me look away.

"Spencer was shot in the stomach." The doctor, Ben, tells Paula. Arthur comes to stand next to her, putting an arm protectively around her shoulder.

"Her organs - "

"The bullet missed most of her major organs and lodged in her ribcage. We're going to have to do partial removal surgery on her pancreas. The bullet grazed it - " Paula buries her face in Arthur's shoulder at this. Clay claps Glen on the shoulder, holding back tears. "We'll take her to to the OR immediately."

"Can we see her? Before prep?" Paula asks, distraught.

Ben just shakes his head. "You're a surgeon, Paula. You know - "

"Do it." She says, dismissing him with a wave of her hand. He stalks off, leaving the Carlin family completely broken.

Paula's talking to the family in a hushed voice, and I get up the nerve, with wobbly knees, to make my way over.

"Is she going to be okay?" I squeak out.

Paula's eyes are downcast. "Go home, Ashley. They're taking her into surgery. It's going to be a long time."

"I'm not going anywhere."


	3. I Swear I Was Born Right in the Doorway

(a/n) Thanks tons for all the great feedback. I really like writing this story, I'm a speed demon when it comes to updates, usually. So you just let me know, and I'll write more and more. Thanks for reading.

--

"Ashley."

Someone nudged my shoulder, waking me from my sleep, saving me from reliving the shooting once again in my dreams.

"Spencer?" My eyes popped open, and Paula was holding out a cup of coffee to me.

"Thought you might like this."

I take the cup without a question, and she sits down next to me. I don't see the rest of the Carlins anywhere.

I try to shake the sleep from my eyes. "Where's..."

"Arthur took the boys home." She glances at the clock with weary, tired eyes. "It's been more than a few hours. We should have word anytime now."

I just nod, blowing on my coffee. I can tell she's barely holding on. She looks like she's aged ten years in only hours.

The TV crackles to life, and I realize King High has become breaking news. "The shooting at the King High school prom tonight has left one dead, and two wounded." A reporter with serious eyes looks straight into the camera. "A teacher chaperoning the dance was hit in the leg, with another junior girl receiving one bullet to the midsection." Paula looks extremely troubled.

I look towards the secretary, eyes glued to the screen and holding the remote control in her hand. "Turn it off."

She doesn't move, and the TV continues blaring, rattling my nerves. "Boyd "Boz" Miller, a senior, was shot fatally in the chest two times. He was pronouned dead on arrival." Paula gasps.

I can't control myself. "I said turn it off!"

The lady looks at me, startled, and clicks the TV off in a hurry.

"Thank you."

I look at Paula, not sure I heard her correctly, and she gives me as gracious of a smile as she can muster. Before I can respond, Paula stands up immediately, looking through the doctor who just barged through the waiting room doors.

"Ben."

"She's fine."

His first words allow me to release a long breath, and it's then that I feel the ache in my shoulders. I'd been tense.

"She underwent a partial pancreotomoy. It was a success, and we cast her torso where the ribs were broken."

Paula reaches out and grabs Dr. Ben's hand. "I want to see her."

"Now, we've got her on medications to help with any infection that might spread, and she's in a lot of pain."

I squeeze my eyes against the tears at this statement.

"I want to go, too." I amble my way over to stand next to Paula, choking on my words.

She looks at me for a moment, saying nothing, and starts to walk with Ben.

"She may still be in shock." Dr. Ben's saying, glancing backward at Paula while he talks. She's nodding, then looks to her side. I'm not there.

She turns to me, walking a few paces behind her, and motions for me to catch up.

I take a deep breath and follow.

Paula enters the room without a problem. But I stall at the door. I can hear beeps, and the stench of the sanitary room is almost overbearing to my nostrils.

Paula's shoes click across the floor and she leans over the bed, over the frail mass covered in tubes and blankets. I can only recognize the blonde hair, from this far away.

"Spencer, baby..." Paula's voice is wracked with emotion, and she leans over and kisses her daughter on the head.

Oh, God. I duck out the door, planting my back flat against the wall in the hallway.

"Mom?"

I hear Spencer rasp out that single word, and then I hear Paula start to comfort her.

"What happened?" Spencer wants to know, her voice betraying how scared she was.

I clamp my hand over my mouth, to stifle the noises I know I'm going to make when the tears start coming. I breathe through my nostrils at twice, triple the normal rate, the sounds coming from me sound pathetic even to my own ears. I can't hear anything coming from the room anymore.

"Ashley's here."

I know that's my cue. I take my hand away from my own mouth, letting myself breathe, patting away the tears. I look down to smooth out my dress, still soaked in dried blood.

I step through the door. Spencer's fluttering eyes reach mine the second I'm in the room, and her eyes roam my face, my tear stained cheeks, and then my dress.

I can't tell if she's starting to remember.

"Mom?"

Her voice is just the suggestion of sound, hardly audible. But Paula nods, walking past me to exit the room without looking me in the eyes.

I take one small step towards her bed. "Sorry about tonight."

"Last night."

I give her a puzzled look, then I realize it's been so many hours that a new sun is out. I take another step.

"Still sorry."

She just shakes her head gently. The tubes coming out of her arms, the things attached to her fingers, the rise and fall of her heart on the monitor. It's all overhwhelming.

"Your dress.."

I can tell it's hard for her to speak, so I walk closer to the bed.

"I know." I say absently, looking down at myself. "I should have changed. I...didn't want to leave."

Spencer looks at the dress, recognition flickering across her eyes. "It's mine." She says, with some effort. "My blood."

I just nod, gulping.

"You were there, and...and Kyla. And Aiden." She closes her eyes. "Aiden was there."

"Yeah."

"I saw you two. I saw..."

She shakes her head lightly, as if trying to rid herself of the memory.

"I thought you were all mine."

Her voice is raw, and I can't bring myself to say all that needs to be said. All I can see in her eyes is disappointment, and it fills me with unbearable shame. The events of the last day come flooding back to me, leaving me feeling heavy.

"I am."

She swallows hard. "You hurt me."

The wind is knocked out of me by her words, and then behind me, I hear Glen's voice. "Little sis?"

Spencer looks past me, and Clay and Mr. Carlin come forward, crowding around her bed, saying nice, gentle things that should be said at a time like this.

Glen sidles up next to me, looking me straight in the eye. "Why don't you go back to Dennison, like you wanted." He growls, looking disgusted.

I open my mouth to speak, but he just brushes past me, his voice becoming soft as he regards Spencer. I've never seen this side of him.

I turn to Paula, who is standing behind me, watching the scene unfold. She looks unbearably tired. I try to talk to her, to tell her all I'm feeling. We'd been brought together tonight, hadn't we? She sees my pain, she would understand.

I must have been delirious. She gives me a curt nod, pursing her lips. "Just...go home, Ashley."

I look back at Spencer, and she's trying to smile through her pain, trying to be strong for her family. They're touching her, making sure she's okay, and they're sorry for all she has to go through.

Right now, I don't think she needs me. She's loved enough.

I start to tremble as I exit the room, making my way towards the elevator.

By the time the door opens, I'm shaking like a mad person. I just want to get inside and break down where no one can see.

Kyla's standing inside, wearing a concerned look on her face, and right then, she's just what I needed.

"Kyla."

My voice is ragged, and I step inside the elevator, and into her arms.

"Ash." She squeezes me tight, and I know she's almost as affected by all this as I am by the way her voice quakes. "Let's go home. Get you cleaned up."

I dig my nails into her back, swearing to myself I won't cry.

"It's gonna be alright, sister."


	4. Weep Not For the Memories

(a/n) Thanks for reading, thanks even more for commenting. Sorry for the darkness of the story so far, but I promise it gets better. I don't want this to be a 'Spencer's life in danger' story, I want it to be more of a human condition, Spashley going through trials story. But, here's the next chapter.

--

I splashed my face with water, avoiding eye contact with myself in the mirror as I let it drip down my cheeks, false tears.

"How's Spencer?"

Kyla's voice startles me, and I turn around to her holding out a pair of pajamas.

"I don't need those." I brush past her. "I need pants. I'm going back to the hospital."

"Ashley..." Kyla follow me into the bedroom. "We have school in like, an hour."

"As far as I'm concerned." I rifle through my drawer like a madwoman. "I don't have school again until Spencer's okay."

"So she isn't okay."

"I didn't say that."

I try to keep my voice level. I can tell I'm driving Kyla crazy with my bipolar behavior. But with my prom dress stained forever in blood and waiting in the laundry basket to be washed in vain, and my Spencer lying in a hospital bed, I think I've earned it.

"You need to sleep." Kyla tells me. "You should just lie down, and..."

"There's no way that's happening." I say quietly, pulling pants on.

Kyla just sighs. "Okay."

I turn around to face her, giving her my most sympathetic look. But I suspect my face is hardened into a sad grimace. "I'm sorry about Aiden."

"He's the least of our problems."

I manage a smile, reaching out to grab keys off my dresser. I put them in her hands, then pull her into a hug. "Go give him back his car. Tell him I said thanks, and not to call."

I speed all the way to the hospital.

"Partial removal of the pancreatic tail - "

"I know the details, Ben. I'm a surgeon."

I watch Paula and Dr. Ben go back and forth, and I can't understand much, but I listen to the tone of their voices for clues. I'm not sure they saw me approach, standing outside Spencer's room.

"We've been draining her, which is going successfully. She might be in some pain right now.." He glances at his clipboard. "But we've got her on antibiotics and insulin on standby."

Paula makes a noise. "Is she at risk?"

He gives her a long, hard look. "Spencer was very lucky, Paula. You should know that."

Paula just nods, looking very beaten. "Feeding tube?"

"We put it in last night, while she slept."

Paula just nods, then walks past him and back into the room. I take the next few steps up to Dr. Ben.

"Hey." I stop him.

"And you are?"

"I'm Spencer's...ah, I'm her best friend. Ashley." I give him a weak handshake, then wrap my arms around myself. "Is she going to...you know, be okay?"

"She'll live."

He tries to leave, but I grab him again. "Be more specific." I demand.

"Your friend will be in a lot of pain for a while, Ashley." He tells me, not bothering to sugarcoat it. I appreciate it. "But she's had a very successful surgery, and things are looking bright. But we're not in the clear yet."

I shake my head, frowning. "What...what does that mean? I don't know what that means."

He looks grim. "Spend time with her."

This time, I let him go, and take a few tentative steps toward Spencer's room. Suddenly, Paula exits, and looks surprised to see me. She's holding her purse.

"Ashley."

"I know you told me to go home, but I love Spencer, and if she's going to be stuck here, then so am I, and - "

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

I open my mouth, ready to answer, but she just shrugs. "I'm going down to the cafeteria. You should give her some company. The boys are at school and Arthur's at work."

She walks away without another word. I rush inside the room, not believing my good luck.

"Spencer?"

I would never say this about Spencer if it wasn't true, but she looks awful. He usually glowing skin is pale with sickness, and her eyelids look heavy. Her blue eyes look almost grey. There are more tubes than the last time I saw her, and she looks even weaker.

Dr. Ben's words invade my thoughts, but she pulls me out of them when she speaks and I have to strain to hear her.

"Come here."

I oblige, taking the last few steps toward her bed and letting myself sit in the chair.

I rush myself, starting to speak. "When Aiden said - "

She cuts me off with a single shake of her head. I stop talking.

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter, Spence, if you - "

"I'm sick, Ashley."

I blink, then shake my head, fooling myself. "I just heard your Mom and the doctor talking, they said..."

"I hurt. A lot." She shifts, then winces in pain at this small movement.

I feel like crying.

"I think I'll get better. But I don't know..."

I lean forward, not wanting to miss a word. This seems very important.

"I don't know if we'll get better."

My eyes well up. "I choose you, Spencer!" I say, my voice hushed by very urgent. "I choose you, I promise."

She looks down at the tube coming out of her stomach. "Love isn't just one choice, Ashley. It's...the same choice, every day." She takes a deep breath, gathering her strength, then looks at me. "It's choosing the same person, night after night, and you..."

"Spencer - "

"It hurt more than a bullet to know that you struggled with that choice." A single tear rolls down her face, a mask of pain. I don't reach out to wipe it away.

My blood runs cold. "I didn't." I swear to her, hoping she can hear the conviction in my voice. "I - I didn't. I was just..." I trail off, words failing me, and I hate myself.

"Yeah." She nods at my silence, which to her, is more telling than anything. I hang my head.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

She just regards me with her pale, glimmering eyes. What I see scares me more than anything: indifference. "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

Spencer looks at the bars of her hospital bed, like they're a jail cell. "I think I'll have a lot of time to think about it."

I wipe at my eyes, but my eye are just watery, nothing more. I think my tears are all gone. "If you think that'll make me stay away, you're crazy, Spencer Carlin." I cough out a laugh. "I'll be here everyday. Wherever you are, that's where I belong." I say, sounding resolute.

I know I've said the right thing, and I stand up, looking down at her. "Can I kiss you?"

She looks at me, and before I can read the answer in her face, Paula appears in the doorway beyond me, ruining the moment.

"Ashley, you should really be in school." Paula says flippantly, tending to Spencer.

I just nod my head, and retreat to the door. Spencer never answered my question, but I think I know what she would have said.

I'm terrified to think I'm right.


	5. The Voyage Leads on From Harm to Harm

(a/n) Here's the next chapter. Hit me back, let me know if you guys are lovin' it, or hatin' it. Or if you're just somewhere in the middle. I love feedback. Thanks for reading.

--

"You didn't come to school."

I'm curled up on the couch. Cat naps. I've slept a few hours in the past two days, but that's fine. I deserve as much.

"Nope."

Kyla closes the front door and comes to sit down next to me.

"Where's your Mom?"

"San Diego." I stare at the wall.

"Oh." She pauses. "Have you been crying?"

I don't answer.

"Well, there was an announcement today. About Spencer, and Boz. And Mr. Thomas. A moment of silence."

"I'm sure there's gonna be a parade, too." I grumble. "And everyone will say how they loved them all, and it'll be fake, and it will still make everyone feel better."

Kyla just watches me work myself up.

"I can't have this happen again, Kyla." I say, feeling my breathing start to become irregular, the way it does when you're about to cry. "I can't lose Spencer, not after Dad, not after..." My voice crack, and I bite the inside of my lip, looking away.

"You're not going to lose Spencer." She says firmly, starting to rub my back. I bury my face in the pillow and shrug her hand off.

"I think I might."

The pillow muffles most of what I say, not allowing her to hear the pain in my voice. But I'm sure she knows it's there.

"The guidance counselor said her door's always open." Kyla tells me. "I think you should come to school tomorrow."

I roll off of the couch. "I think I should go to the hospital."

"I think you need to calm down and eat something, Ash."

"I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown." I sigh, not pausing to gather myself before grabbing my purse and opening the front door.

Aiden stands there, looking sheepish.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I hear Kyla excuse herself in the background.

"Look, Ash. You won't answer my calls, you don't read my emails, you didn't come to school. How am I going to apologize?"

"You can't." I snap, glaring at him.

"You can't be mad at me forever."

"This is your fault." I snarl.

"I didn't shoot her." He says, but his features cloud over in guilt. I want to scream at him, I want to hit him. I want him to hurt him as bad as I hurt right now.

"You might as well have." I dig my finger into his chest. "You said those stupid, idiotic things, you made her run away! You made her think I didn't love her!" I lower my voice. "You might as well have pulled the trigger yourself. You say you love me? I _hate_ you." I inject every ounce of pain and sorrow that I'm feeling into my words, and I can tell by his face that I've made him feel even more miserable than he did.

"I'm sorry." His mouth moves to make words he doesn't know how to say. "I didn't want this to happen, I just...I'm sorry."

"You should be."

Venom dripping off of my every word, I push past him violently and get into my car.

"And get the hell off of my property."

I get to the hospital in record time.

Speedwalking toward the entrance, walking in front of cars, I'm just feet away before I hear a voice call out to me.

"I thought we made ourselves clear."

Glen Carlin looks about as tired as I am, but he's glowering like he hates me. Which he probably does.

"Glen, I don't want to do this right now. I just want to see your sister." I say, rubbing my temples.

"I don't think she wants to see you. I don't think anyone here wants to see you."

He plants himsef in front of me, obscuring my path to the entrance.

"Get out of the way, Glen." I tell him, calmly.

"Leave. You stupid, gay, bitch."

I have a feeling I'm his Aiden right now. I know how he feels, and I know he's taking it out on me. And I don't care.

"Get the hell out of my way."

"Spencer doesn't want - "

"You don't know what Spencer wants!" I push him roughly. "You don't know anything!"

He laughs at my attempt to push him away, getting right back in my face. "Oh, did you like that? You want to hit me? Do it!"

I slam both my fists into his chest. "I hate you!"

"I hate you!" He roars right back. "You got my sister shot! You stupid dyke! You wanna hit me again? Hit me! Come on, show me what you got, Ashley!"

"I love Spencer!" I pound on his chest. "I would never hurt her! I love her more than I've ever loved anything!"

"That's a lie." Glen says, then tries to grab my hands. "You don't know what love is! You'll never know because you don't love anything! You're selfish!"

"That's not true!" I try wrestle my arms away from him, but he has a firm grip. "You're so selfish you don't want your sister to be happy! She's happy with me!"

"She doesn't look happy!" He yells angrily. "She looks like she got shot, Ashley! You think she'll forgive you, and she won't!"

I take my arms back, holding them at my sides, quaking in anger. People are staring, but neither of us care. He's redfaced, and breathing hard.

"Fuck you, Glen."

I tell it to him slowly, so he realizes how much I hate him in this instant. But we need each other. We need each other to say these things to, things we would never say to anyone else.

"Me? Fuck me." His face contorts in anger. "You're alone, Ashley. Look around. You're alone."

I clench my jaw, hearing my heart thunder in my ears. I've never been like this, not once in my whole life. I'm caught between rage and overwhelming sadness, and I can feel my eyes water up.

I lunge at him just as the tears fall from my eyes, cursing up a storm of unintelligible words. He seems caught off guard by both my crying and my attack.

"I'm not alone! I have Spencer. She's gonna be okay." I tell him through clenched teeth, and he tries to pry my hands off of him.

"Get off me!"

"She's gonna be okay.." He wraps his arms around me in a bear hug so I can't move. He's breathing hard, and I'm struggling even harder.

"Calm down, Ashley!"

"She's gonna be okay..." I say, feeling the anger completely leave me. "She'll be okay, Glen."

"I know." He says, and I stop writhing in his arms, but he's still squeezing me tight. "I know." He seems to have given up.

I'm calm. Atleast for a single second. Then, in one quick motion I break away, turning to look at him.

"And she loves me." I tell him, but softly.

He just shakes his head, accepting what he knows as truth. He looks at the ground. "I know."

I feel completely drained.

"I can't handle this." I turn toward the entrance, then hesitate.

I spin around, and head back towards my car.

I definitely can't handle this.


	6. Darlin', I'm Not Strong Like Before

(a/n) Thank you guys for reading, it means a lot to know someone's liking what I put out there. Here's the next chapter, and remember, feedback is completely welcomed and appreciated. But now, on to the next chapter.

--

"Where the...where the hell did I park?" I spin around, a state of complete loss, circling the parking lot for my car.

"Hard to miss a Porche in a parking garage."

I spin back around, and Mr. C is giving me a warm smile. He's pointing to the corner, where I see my bumper sticking out among other cars.

"Oh." I peek behind him. Any other Carlins ready to sneak up on me? These people are everywhere. But it's just him.

He sticks his hands in his pockets, looking a bit haggard, and falls into step next to me.

"Did you see Spencer?"

I shake my head.

"Why not?"

"Well, see, Mr. C." I fumble with my keys. "I don't think a lot of people want me in there."

He makes a confused face. "Do you want to be in there?"

"Duh."

"Does Spencer want you to be there?"

I pause, before saying, "I think so."

"Then, what else matters?"

I look at him, knowing the right answer would be 'nothing'. "Glen - "

"Nevermind Glen."

I try to smile for him. "I think that's the best advice I've heard all day."

He reaches out and pats me on the shoulder, a great comfort for such a small gesture. "You're always welcome, Ashley. It's..it's hard for us all, but you're as much a part of Spencr's life as anyone else."

I hope he's not just saying these things to make me feel better, because I desperately want that to be true.

When we reach Spencer's floor, we haven't spoken much more, but when Glen steps out from behind a corner with Paula in tow, I instinctively flinch and stop walking.

"Ashley wants to see Spencer." Arthur says easily.

Paula looks from him to me, then nods without another word.

Glen fixes me with a stare I can't read. "She asked about you."

I don't know what to say, and still don't as they brush past me. Mr. C puts a hand on my shoulder, urging me towards the room. "I'll go get a coffee."

I give him a grateful look and nod, glancing back at Paula and Glen's retreating figures before heading to Spencer's room.

I'll never get used to stepping into her hospital room. It's disturbing every time I glance over and expect to see her smiling back, but she's hooked up to the machines pumping her full of life, looking less alive every time I see her.

She looks over and notices me just before I take a seat.

"Hey."

I keep my voice low. "Hey. How you feelin'?"

"Like I was thrown under a train."

I can't do anything but nod.

"But better, now that you're here." I see a glimmer of a smile.

I grin broadly. "I'm glad."

She breathes out a deep breath. "Glen told me you beat him up."

I shrug. "Hardly. He got in my way."

"Can't say I'm surprised."

I laugh a little, and sit on the edge of my chair, taking her hand. "I'm so sorry you're here." I say, softly, tracing my fingers across her knuckles.

She watches this, then looks me in the eyes. "It's not your fault."

I open my mouth to speak, and abruptly close it, realizing anything I could say would just bring to mind the events of that night, what happened, and how that affects us now.

She realizes this. "It's not your fault." She insists.

"I should have - "

"Shutup, Ashley." Spencer snaps. I look at her, a little surprised. "You're not allowed to feel bad about this."

"How can I not? You're...you're hurt." My voice cracks, and she grips my hand a little tighter. I'm thankful for the pressure. "And if I had just - "

"I need you to be strong for me. You can't do this..." She grimaces, but continues on. "You have to be strong for both of us, Ash."

At the mention of my name, spoken gently, I have to bite my lip. The same spot I bit when I heard those gunshots. The familiar pain comes back to me.

"I will be." I promise her.

"I need something that isn't going to change." She tells me, and I feel the importance of her words. "Everyone's treating me like...like...I don't know. Like I've changed." Her eyes water, a penetrating, misty blue. "I haven't. I want things to be normal."

I know this can't possibly happen. Our course in lives were thrown off completely, setting off for someplace new, that night at prom. I know she knows this, and I can feel the desperation in her words.

But I'll give her all of me to prove to her I will always be there. So I bring her hand up to my lips, pressing a dry kiss into her palm. "Does that mean we do it right here on the hospital bed?" I joke lightly.

A smile dances on her lips, then, miracle of all miracles, she rolls her eyes. "I think my feeding tube would get in the way."

I sigh a cross between a sigh and a laugh, setting her hand back down on the bed. "I love you, Spence."

"I love you, too." She says, sincerity shining through every word.

I lick my lips. "I really want to kiss you, Spence."

She looks sad for a split second, then shakes her head. "Can you wait?"

A million things go through my head. "Do I have to?"

I know her answer will be everything. "I think...I think.." She falters, not wanting to say the words.

I just cut her off with an understanding nod. "I get it." Then I take her hand again. "I'll be here."

I know she believes me.


	7. Everyday is Like Sunday

(a/n) Remember, review, review, review. Thanks a trillion for reading.

--

My legs felt like lead as I took the last few steps to the King High gate entrance.

The school had a quiet, somber feel about it. The usually buzzing halls were extra quiet, and people just didn't seem to be smiling.

Only a few days after the shooting, and I don't want to hear another word about it.

It was all over the local news, it was all anyone wanted to talk about. I can hear them, whispering about it. Ashley, Spencer's girlfriend. How bad she must feel, right? Unbeknownst the them, I was Spencer's _ex _girlfriend.

I ignored the pang in my stomach, and stomped toward the lockers.

"Ashley?"

I turned around slowly, steeling myself, hearing Madison's voice.

"Not a single word, Madison." I warned, not in the mood at all.

Madison looked a little hurt, if that was possible, surprising me. "I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about what happened. I mean, everyone just feels horrible."

I just shifted her weight from foot to foot, waiting to hear the rest of what Madison had to say.

"No one deserves that." She appeared a little embarassed, glancing around.

"You're right." I said nothing else.

"Yeah, well...be strong, chica."

I watch her go, walking quickly. The girl had taken a turn for the strange, to say the least. I turned back to my locker, before I could ponder that thought a little longer.

"Where the fuck..." I pushed papers out of the way, makeup, shoes? What were shoes doing in my locker? "Stupid spanish book." It appeared to be missed.

I slammed the locker door shut, startling the people next to me. They looked at me with wide, frightened eyes.

"Not a good idea." Kyla stepped next to me, giving me an odd look.

"What?"

"People just got shot at school." She said. "Don't make loud banging noise."

I felt like a complete idiot. "Where is my spanish book?" I demanded, changing the subject. I didn't have any patience today.

"How long did you sleep last night?"

"Kyla..." I rubbed my eyes. Answer: twenty minutes. But I didn't need to tell her that.

"Spencer's locker. Your spanish book is in Spencer's locker."

"Come with me to get it." I said warily, shoulders sagging. I was so tired.

We started walking. "I should really tell you, people have turned Spencer's locker into a kind of..."

"A what?"

"Well, like a memorial thing." Kyla mutters.

"Why would they do that?" I ask sharply. "It's not like she's dead or anything. She's just - "

"I know, Ashley. It's really pretty though, actually." She tries to tell me as we round the corner.

I can see it before we reach her locker. Bundles of flowers, a giant board proclaiming how much everyone loved her, even some candles that had been stubbed out.

I shake my head, approaching the locker and spinning the combo, angrily grabbing my spanish book.

"Ashley..." Kyla says, noticing my demeanor.

"This is bullshit." I say, pushing the locker closed. Writing on the board catches my eye. _'We'll miss you!' _It read. Like she was dead. "She's not dead." I say in disbelief. People turn to stare.

"Come on, let's go."

"She's not dead, you idiots!" I say, pounding my hand against the board. "What is this? This isn't a goddamn cemetary, you morons!" I kick the candle on the floor, sending it flying down the row of lockers.

I hear muttering, crowds of students stopping to stare. I make a disgusted noise just before Kyla grabs my arm and pulls me away.

"Alright, you need to calm down!" She says, pointing a finger at me. I brush her finger away, rolling my eyes.

"People are acting like she's gone!"

"People are acting like something horrible happened, which it did." She tells me evenly, looking me dead in the eye. "This is how they deal with it, just like you're dealing with it by becoming a..."

"A what?" I narrow my eyes. "A bitch?" I laugh in her face, and she just shakes her head morosely.

"It's difficult, I know - "

I cut her off, her condescending tone bothering me. "You don't know."

"Then tell me."

"Have you gone to see her yet?" I ask. She hasn't. "You should. It's like...it's like that light is gone, ya know? She's so frail, and weak, and...it's scary. It's so damn scary."

Kyla looks unbelievably saddened by my words, and actually jumps when the bell rings.

"I'll see you at lunch." I say, hightailing it out of there.

Aiden's in my first period class. I forgot this fact, but evidently he didn't, as he's waiting by my desk.

"How's Spencer?"

I sit down, ignoring him.

People walk past, glancing at me shyly. "Everyone's asking about her." He presses.

"I bet."

Aiden just sighs. "Do you still hate me? Are you coming to graduation?"

I fix him with a glare. "Spencer broke up with me." I snarl.

He takes a deep breath, looks incredibly sorry, and then stalks off to his seat.

I put my head on my desk until I hear the person next to me sit down. Nikki. A chunky, pale, brown haired girl I've never really spoken to looks at me sympathetically.

"It's horrible, isn't it?"

I nod.

"Is it the worst thing that ever happened to you?" She asks, with a morbid curiosity.

Before I can think of what an odd question that is, I answer her honestly. "I think so."

"Then logic says it can only get better, right?"

I think she's trying to make me feel better. "I hope so."

"Ashley Davies."

I look towards the front of the room. My teacher is holding out an office past. "The guidance counselor would like to see you."

"You've got to be kidding me."

Apparently, she wasn't. Minutes later, I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair, glaring at someone who is only trying to help.

"Ashley Davies."

I don't speak.

"You were in a relationship with Spencer, is that right?"

Silence.

"How are you dealing with all this?"

How does he think I'm dealing? "Ask me after she's better."

"Why?"

"I don't have any time to think about myself right now." I say, standing up, grabbing my things. "This is...I'm sorry, this is stupid."

I'm out the door before he can say another word. There's a line, outside the office. Waiting for him to offer kind words, solace, anything he can give them to help.

Whatever works for them.

I think right now, I would really like to sleep.


	8. Make A Halo With Your Hand

(a/n) If you guys like reading this story half as much as I like writing it, then we're in good shape here. Let me know what you guys think.

--

I tried to sleep, I really did. I made a valiant effort.

I couldn't.

I made myself a lunch that I didn't eat, and then I cleaned the kitchen. Washing the dishes in scalding water until my hands turned bright red. Then I bit off every single one of my fingernails.

You could say I was a mess. In fact, I do say that: I was a mess. A nervous, twitching mess.

So I lied down on the floor and covered my face with a down pillow, trying to relax my body enough to find a little peace. Everytime my eyelids met, though, I was pulled back days in time, watching Spencer's eyes flutter closed. Those gunshots. The sickening puddle of blood, Spencer's blood.

The front door opened.

My eyes snapped open. Crap. I didn't remove the pillow from my face.

I heard someone I assumed was Kyla tiptoe around me, gingerly taking away the pillow and peering down at me.

"Damn." She says. "Thought you were sleeping."

"As if I'd be so lucky." I grumble, pulling myself up into a sitting position.

She takes a look at my glowering face. "You look awful."

"Thanks."

She sighs, tossing the pillow and sitting down next to me. "Have you eaten?"

I shake my head to confirm the negative, and she reaches over and rubs her hand over my shoulders. "You're really tense."

"Gee, I wonder why." I snap, rubbing at my eyes.

"Ashley..."

"I'm sorry, okay." I lose my patience. "I realize I'm no fun to be around. I haven't eaten in longer than I haven't slept, and I'm jumpy, and crabby, and..."

"Your usual loveable self?" Kyla interjects.

"Basically." I bark out a laugh. "I'm just...man." I press my hands against my temple, closing my eyes. "I think Spencer broke up with me."

"You think?"

"I don't really know. I was kind of crushed, I didn't ask her for details." I lean my head back, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"I just think she's trying to concentrate on getting better right now." Kyla says carefully.

"Yeah. That's what's important. That's most important." I concede, and it's the truth.

We're silent for a minute, and then Kyla speaks up. "I went to see her."

I wait for her to go on.

"We talked about you."

"What'd she say?" I snap my head to look at her, probably sounding a bit too interested.

Kyla looks amused, then softens. "A lot."

"Was she feeling better? Did she look - did she look better?"

"She's fine." Kyla assured me. I let out a breath. "She told me you two were on a break."

"That's what she said?"

Kyla nods.

"What does that mean? A break. What does that mean?" I sound a little frantic, I'm sure. I bite my tongue.

"She said at first she was hurt, about the whole...Aiden thing." Kyla's voice trails off, and I can tell it's a sore subject for her. I make a mental note to be nicer to my sister - she's a victim in this whole thing, too. "But she told me that the reason for the, uh, break was...well..."

"Spit it out, Ky."

"She feels bad."

My eyes bug out. "What?"

"She feels bad that she got shot, and she thinks you shouldn't have to deal with all her issues right now." Kyla hesitates before going on, knowing I'm hanging on her every word. "After Dad, she feels like you don't deserve this. She feels bad."

I feel awful, almost immediately. Shame makes my stomach drop. "She said all that?" My voice is hushed.

"Then she told me she believed in you." Kyla says firmly, nodding at me. "She told me that she knew you would come through for her."

"She said that?" I repeat, breathless.

Kyla nods. "It was so sweet, Ash." She tilts her head to the side, recalling the memory. "Her exact words were, 'I'm banking on her.'"

I swallow the lump in my throat. "She's banking on me." Realization dawns on me. "She's banking...on me."

"Yeah."

I pull Kyla into a tight hug, squeezing the breath out of her. Then I release her just as quickly. "I gotta go. I gotta go to the, uh..."

"I know." Kyla finishes for me. "Don't speed."

I run up the stairs in a daze, getting something I know I'll need for later. Clutching it in my hand, I sprint downstairs and to my car, thinking of Kyla's words. "Don't speed."

But I do.

I speed all the way there, park like an idiot, and jog to Spencer's room. The ladies at the desk give me a strange look, but I ignore them.

When I get outside her door, I peek in and find it empty. Except for Spencer, sleeping soundly on the bed. I step inside, taking a look at the room around me.

The tables are overflowing with flowers, sent in from...whoever. Cards are stacked around the room, balloons, teddy bears. This girl, without a doubt, is loved. And I can't blame any of them.

I walk quietly to her bedside, not waking her, and gaze down at her face. "You looked so beautiful at prom." I say wistfully. "I'm so sorry all that happened, but if it gives me a second chance to prove myself to you, then I'll take it."

I get a little choked up, so I take a deep breath, continuing softly. "I love you so much, Spence. I've never felt something like it before, but I like it. It gives me...I don't know...you're the first thing I think about when I wake up, and if that makes me crazy, then I guess I'm certifiably insane." I laugh a little.

I reach down and touch her face delicately, as if she might break. "And I'll be here for you. Always, so you don't have to doubt me."

I know she won't. I pray she won't.

"I brought you something." I say, almost forgetting. I bring the tiny bear out, a bandage still fixed to it's head. "Remember him? Well, he seemed to do the trick last time, so..." I set him next to her, nustling him in between her arm and the blanket. "He'll keep you safe when I'm not here."

She stirs a little in her sleep, and I wait for her to wake up, but she doesn't. So I sit down in the chair, settle myself, and close my eyes.

I'm asleep before I know it.


	9. A Promise is A Promise, I Know

(a/n) Got a little bored. All my friends are getting drunk and creating chaos around me, so I figured I'd write a bit. Because writing is always better than being hungover. And honestly, binge drinking is so high school. Please enjoy the next chapter.

--

"Ashley."

I frown in my sleep, nestling further in the chair. "Five more minutes." I mumble.

"Ash..."

I don't answer, sinking further into sleep. I'm almost there until - something wet hits my head.

My eyes pop open to see Spencer with a devilish look on her face, holding a straw. I wipe at my forehead. "Did you just spit water at me?"

She nods, and I'm so happy to see her smile I don't care that I was just woken up out of the deepest sleep I'd had for days.

"And now you're giggling?"

She nods again, lips turned up into a grin and chuckling away.

"Well, I haven't had a shower in days. So I guess I should thank you." I say, getting up to get the sleep out of my joints.

"Ew, gross." She says.

"Tell me about it." I yawn, cracking my back. She watches me, eyeing the exposed part of my stomach as I loosen my muscles stretching.

"I miss you." She says, suddenly.

I sit back down, pretending not to know what she means. I might not be ready for this conversation. "I'm right here." I say.

She lets out a long sigh. "You know what I mean." She shrugs helplessly. "I've been in this stupid bed for days...it's the longest I've gone without being with you every second of every day. We've been inseparable since...since we met."

I have to smile a little at this, even though it breaks my heart a bit. "It's true."

"You think it'll be like that - "

"Forever?" I cut her off, and she looks at me expectantly. "Of course."

This tickles her, I can tell. "I'm so happy to see you smile." I tell her honestly.

She reaches out and takes my hand. "You're my best friend, Ash."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." I say, then considered my words. "Well, maybe one other way."

She laughs, then flinches, grabbing her stomach. "Are you okay?" I rush to ask.

Spencer just shrugs it off. "It's fine. You know, it just hurts sometimes."

I nod.

She gets a faraway look in her eyes. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Prom night..."

I tense up. "Yeah?"

She looks at me playfully. "We were totally gonna get it on, right?"

"Oh." I give her a seductive look, cocking an eyebrow. "Multiple times, Spence."

Her eyes light up, and she looks out the window, trying not to laugh. "Man. There's so much I'm gonna miss." She says mournfully. "Like, graduation. Clay and Glen are walking tomorrow, and I'm not even gonna see them."

I can't believe I've forgotten - the school year is only days away from being over. Summer is just a stone's throw away.

"Yeah..." I say. "We'll have to do something about that."

She gives me a funny look, then looks down to see her bear. "Hey! You brought Teddy."

"I did." I say, watching her cuddle the tiny bear. "Remember when I got him for you?"

"Yeah." She says, looking at me. "When you were still in that 'thoughtful' phase."

I make a faux-outraged face. "Uh, I was always thoughtful a thoughtful girlfriend."

"Was?" She questions my choice.

"Well...you know." I shrug like my chest isn't tightening. "We are on break."

She's still for a moment, then gives an almost imperceptible nod.

"But I'm still here." I add, choosing not to tell her about my and Kyla's talk. "Not waiting - I'm just here." I assure her.

This brings a smile to her face. "You're perfect, Ash."

"Yeah." A male voice echoes from behind us. "You're just perfect, Ash."

I turn around to glare at Glen, who's holding his graduation cap and gown in his hands. Clay and Paula appear behind him. Glen chooses to ignore me and starts forward.

"Check out these sweet threads, Spence." He holds up his hanger. "Flossy, flossy."

Spencer looks sad for a moment, just a small tilt of her head and a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. I know she feels like she's being left out of things - damned to that hospital bed for an undetermined amount of time.

I have to do something about this. "Uh, I'm gonna go."

"You sure?" Clay asks. "We brought donuts." He holds up a box and wiggles them in front of my nose. I've always liked Clay.

I give him a thankful look, and shake my head. "Tempting, but - I have dinner with Kyla, so.."

He nods, giving me a quick one armed hug. "Take it easy, Ash." Did I mention I've always liked Clay.

"I will." I lean over to give Spencer a quick kiss on her forehead, and her cheeks burn as I pull away. "Love ya, babe." I whisper in her ear.

Glen and Paula part so I can walk past them.

"Peace." I offer to them, before I walk out the door.


	10. See Your Future in the Distance

(a/n) Thanks for all the lovely reviews. I love reading what people think. Anyways, here's the next chapter.

--

Glen came rushing out of the dispersing crowd of seniors, waving his diploma high in the air. "And you all said I've never make it!" He smirked openly straight into my camera.

"That's right." I instructed. "Ham it up."

Clay comes up behind him, all smiles and envelopes both his parents in a hug. "I love you, Mom and Dad."

"Aw." Glen says, pointing. "Get that on camera."

I oblige, turning the lense toward the group hug which Glen joins in on. It's a day of celebration, a day I almost feel guilty for enjoying. But I'm really doing it for Spencer, so I try not to feel too bad.

"You boys look so cute in your gowns." Paula coos, straightening out the wrinkles on Glen's shoulders.

"They look dapper." Arthur proclaims proudly, standing up straight beside his sons. Clay beams at him.

"Mom." Glen says irritably, shrugging off Paula touching his hair, slicking it back, and fussing with his tie. I smile at the scene.

"Okay, everyone look towards the camera, and tell Spencer how much you wish she could be here." I say, in my best director voice. They all line up, fixing themselves for the camera.

"Spencer, we did it!" Glen exclaims, shaking his diploma.

"Some of us better than others!" Clay adds, showing off his medals and earning laughter from both parents.

"We're so sorry you couldn't be here, honey." Arthur says into the camera.

"And we're going to miss you when we leave for school, sis." Clay interjects.

"One day it'll be you up there, Spencer." Paula says. "We love you."

I let the camera linger on them for a second longer, until they start talking amongst themselves. I hear Glen yell something about a beer bong, hear Paula tsk-tsk, and turn the camera on myself. "I can't wait for us to graduate together, Spence." I give the camera my best smile. "I love you, and I hope you like the video, sweetheart."

I don't usually use terms of endearment, but it seemed appropriate, and I know Spencer will like it. I turn the camera off, looking over to the Carlin family, making their way through the crowd. They've all been - surprisingly - very nice to me today. It might just be because I'm doing something for Spencer, and they have to be.

I don't mind. It's a beautiful day, and I can't wait to get to her.

"Hey, Ashley."

I look up and see Arthur turned my way. "We're going out for pizza, before we let these two tigers loose on the town."

"Roar." Glen says, rolling his eyes.

"You're welcome to come." Clay says. "We'd love you to."

Paula even offers me a tentative smile, but I just shake my head. "Thanks - really, guys. It means a lot."

"But..." Glen starts to say.

I narrow my eyes at him goodnaturedly. "But I should go edit this." I hold the camera up. "For Spencer."

They just nod, turning away to make their way throught the throng of people. Balloons are everywere, photos are being snapped, and it's almost chaos.

Which made it all the more surprising when I see Aiden appear at my side, decked out in complete graduation gear.

"Congratulations." I tell him flatly. He doesn't look like he's enjoying himself.

"Thanks." He squints at me in the sunlight. "I can't believe it's over, you know?"

I nod. I know how he feels. But I can't tell him this, because there's a part of me - a big part of me - that can't bring itself to forgive him. I blame him, more than myself, for the way things are. For something that felt like a betrayal. He probably doesn't deserve it, but I'm not ready to be a big person yet.

"I'm gonna go." I say, turning to leave.

"Ash, wait..."

I stop. "There's nothing to say, Aiden."

"Will you just let me talk?"

I spin around, turning the camera back on and pointing it in his face. "Here, say something for Spencer." I say, my voice emotionless.

He looks past the camera at me, swallows, then glances back at the lense. "Spencer, I, uh...I wish you could be here." He says with sincerity, and a sadness I can't bare to look at. I flip the camera closed before he can say anything else, and push through the crowd, away from him.

Kyla's waiting by my car.

"Parking's crazy." She says, flipping her hair.

"You came." I'm surprised.

She just shrugs, trying to look casual. "I wasn't gonna, but, you know..."

"Yeah."

"Talk to Aiden?"

I frown at her, letting that answer my question.

"He's really broken up about - "

"He should be."

"You should think about talking to him."

I laugh out loud at this, but it sounds hollow.

"Ashley...he's going to UCLA in the fall. You might not get the chance."

"I don't care." I say, unlocking my car. She watches me.

"Are you ever going to forgive him?"

Her words hang in the air, and I think about them for a second before hopping in my car. She gets in the passenger seat, and we buckle up before I answer.

"I don't know if I can."

I'll have trouble enough forgiving myself.

I drop Kyla off at some random graduation party that I'm sure Aiden's going to be at, and make her promise to call me later. Then, of course, I turn around and head straight to the hospital.

The lady at the counter nods to me, and I figure I'm becoming a familiar face around here. When I get to her room, Spencer looks serene.

"They came by already." She tells me, just before I sit down. "Glen looked so dashing in his gown."

I laugh. "It's the first time and the last time Glen Carlin will ever be seen in public in a gown."

She sits up a little in her bed, looking at me expectantly.

"What?" I ask innocently.

"What'd you bring me?" She asks, making me chuckle.

"Spence, you're like a two year old."

She claps her hands together excitedly, and I pull my chair over to her, holding the camera out in front of me and switching it on.

The images start to play, the graduation ceremony theme song, and I can hear my narration along with the odd comment from her parents. She puts her chin on my shoulder, her hand on my arm, engrossed in the video. But I'm engrossed with her - her breath tickling my ear, the smile on her face. I can't help but to keep glancing back at her.

She squeals when her brothers' names are announced, and laughs at all of Glen's antics once the graduates are let off the stage.

"Awww." Her family lines up and delivers her a sweet message, wishing she could be there with them to enjoy this special day.

When I pop up on screen, she squeezes my arm. "I love you." My words ring out from the small camera, filling the room. "And I hope you like the video, sweetheart."

She kisses me quickly on the cheek, making be blush. But the good mood is cut short when Aiden's face takes up the screen. My smile falters.

"Say something for Spencer." I hear my own voice. Spencer glances at me, then back to the video.

"I wish you could be here." He looks as sad as I remember, then the screen switches to black.

I flip the camera closed, feeling a bit stupid for leaving that last part in there.

"That was...nice." She says, leaning back. "I'm so happy - for all of them."

I place the camera gently on the table. "Yeah."

There's a strange pause, a silent pact between us. If she doesn't want to talk about it, neither do I. And then the mood passes when she lights up with a smile. "You called me sweetheart." She teases.

"So?" I say, a little defensively.

"You never call me sweetheart." She points out.

"Well...I do now." I tell her stubbornly. "Sweetheart."

"Sweetheart." She echoes. Then she gestures for me to come closer. When I do, she wraps her arms around my neck in a hug - the closest I've been to her since the accident.

I relish in it, taking a deep breath of her scent. "Love you, Ash."

I nod into her embrace.

"Thanks for the video. It means a lot." She lets me go.

"Well...you mean a lot."

"What would I do without you?" She asks, reaching for my hand.

I give it to her. She doesn't know how many times I've asked myself that question the past few days, only reversed.

What would I do without her?


	11. A Land of Others and Silence

My arms were heavy and aching for release. The yearbook I'd been carrying was heavy, and just seemed to weigh more as the day went on.

The last day of the school year. I'd been at school after the last bell had rung for atleast an extra hour, running around to all of Spencer's teachers, acquaintances, other friends. They all signed her yearbook at my request, seemed happy to oblige. They told me what a sweet thing I was doing.

I thought Spencer would enjoy it. I shifted the books in my grip, stopping at the nurse's station to grab a pen and add my own ink to the pages. I flipped through, looking for a specific picture. Spencer and I had been lucky - our picture had been featured in one of the Junior Life collages. It was actually a good picture of both of us, a long time before we started dating. We were making goofy faces at the camera, and our caption read "Best Friends!"

I poised my pen below the picture, writing in my best penmanship _Spence - we've been through a lot together and that's how we'll tackle everything else: together. I love you completely. Always yours, Ashley Davies. _I mark the page - 97.

I smiled at my own thoughtfulness, and the nurse glanced over, nodding in agreement. I blew on the ink, letting it dry, before I closed the book and headed towards Spencer's room.

The nearer I got, the more certain I was that I heard voices. I thought for sure she'd be alone. I peek my head in, and see her staring at the camera in her hands, an unreadable look on her face.

"I wish you could be here." Aiden's voice repeated, and then she slammed the camera shut.

I stepped into the room. "What're you doing, Spence?" I ask, almost afraid of the answer.

"Have you talked to him yet?"

I play dumb. "Who?"

She just levels me with a stare, telling me this is no time to mess around.

"No." I say.

"But you filmed him." She's apparently been sitting on this all night.

"Well, yeah..."

She sighs as I sit down. "He was looking past the camera at you the whole time."

"So?"

"So, anyone with a brain in their head can tell that he's in love with you, Ash." She points out bluntly.

I swallow. "Again, I repeat: so?"

"So why couldn't you tell?"

I don't know how to answer.

"Unless you were just pretending not to know, in which case..."

"Spencer, what does this have to do with anything?" I interrupt. I want to get to the good news, the nice thing I did for her. But I'm afraid that may take longer than expected.

She takes a deep breath. "We have to talk."

"I don't wanna."

She steels herself for what she's about to say. "When Aiden told you he loved you.." She looks like she hates to say these words. "Would you have even given me a second thought if I hadn't gotten shot?"

I gasp. "Spencer, I can't believe you would say that." Her words ring in my ears.

"It's how I felt."

"I'm - I'm sorry." I stutter, reaching out for her hand. She pulls it out of my grasp before I can get a real grip on it.

"You seem to be saying that a lot lately." She says bitterly.

My nostrils flare, despite my overwhelming sadness. "Spencer, what do you want? I mean, I haven't even spoken to him - "

"Why?" She asks. "Why are you avoiding him? Is there something there?"

"What?" I can't believe this. "Spencer..where is all this coming from?"

She looks miserable. "Answer the question."

"It's not even a question! It's a stupid question - of course there's nothing there. Aiden and I, we just have a lot of history - "

"So you've said."

"Spencer." I take her hand, firmly this time. "There's no one else in this entire world that I care about more than you. No one. Please.." My voice cracks. "Please tell me you believe me."

She looks like she's about to cry. "I don't know if I can."

I lower my voice, my heart inches from breaking, and hope she hears the conviction. "When you fell...when I thought you were hurt, and that I would never get a chance to tell you how it's not even close to a choice between you and Aiden, how much you matter to me, I felt like I would never be okay again." I stumble over my words, hoping they convey all that I'm feeling.

"You had that chance." She's not convinced, and it's then I realize it isn't going to be easy - this is going to be hard. She takes her hand back, and I let her. She fidgets with her hands in her lap, not meeting my eyes.

"Look at me. Spencer, look at me."

She does, reluctantly. Tears are threatening to spill from her eyes. "I love you." I tell her desperately.

She starts crying, and my face falls. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know." She wipes the tears away.

"Tell me what you're feeling." I plead with her.

"Why did you always have to go to Aiden?"

"What?"

"Why did you have to go dance with him?" Her voice rises, tinged with jealousy and anger. "Why were you always around him? Always talking about him, spending time with him?"

"He's my friend." I say weakly, knowing that's no defense. I take a different approach. "Why did you tell him to back off?"

"You were drifting away from me!" She yells. "And closer to him. Always to him. You didn't seem to care. What was I supposed to do?"

"Talk to me!" I explode. "You could have talked to me."

She actually snorts at this. "As if you would have listened."

"I always listen."

She just shakes her head. "You're only listening now because I'm in a damn hospital bed."

I take a deep breath. "I haven't eaten in days. I haven't showered in half as long. I can't even sleep unless I'm in this fucking chair, next to you! I'm a wreck, and you don't...you don't even..." I can't finish. I can't make her feel like I feel.

"If it's so horrible," She says, her lip shaking, betraying her emotion. "Then you can leave."

"I don't want to leave! I just want you to tell me what I'm doing so wrong."

She doesn't want to give me easy answers. "I hated him." She says through clenched teeth. "In that second, I hated him."

"And I hated you." I shoot back. "I hated you for making me choose, because you knew, you _knew, _I would choose you."

"Is that how you feel?"

"Yes!" I say finally. "That's how I feel. Then I hated Aiden, I hated him...so much." Spencer seems a little taken aback by my words, my conviction.

"Now, though." My shoulders sag, and I feel overwhelmed. "Now I just really, really hate myself..." Spencer looks stricken. "So are you happy? Did you enjoy your little peek into my head?"

She laughs harshly. "Yeah, Ashley. Yeah, I loved that. It's not all about you, you know."

"I hope to hell it isn't, I really do." I say, standing up and starting to pace.

"Sit down."

"I don't want to." I turn to face her, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Ashley."

"Kiss me." I say.

"What?"

"I want you to kiss me. I haven't kissed you in forever. And we just had a fight, and I want you to kiss me."

She opens her mouth, but says nothing, just shaking her head. My face falls.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask her, really wanting to know. "Do you think I'm not trying my best here?"

She doesn't answer. That's not it.

"Do you...do you think I deserve it?"

She slowly begins to nod, then looks away from me.

"God." I squeeze myself tighter. "God, Spencer...you have issues."

"Screw you, Ashley."

"Oh, what are you gonna do, huh? You already broke up with me." I throw it back in her face.

She takes a long, steady breath. "Get out."

"No."

"Get out!"

I clench my jaw, walking over to the table and grabbing the yearbook. I hand it to her, and turn my back on her, doing what she asked.

"Page 97."


	12. Without You I Don't Sleep, Just Dream

(a/n) Love the reviews. Keep 'em coming, I'll keep the chapters flying your way. Thanks for reading.

--

I hear soft voices talking even before I open the front door to my house. I lay my head against the wooden door, preparing myself for whatever was on the other side with a long sigh.

I push the door open, and see my Mother giving Kyla a sad look. They look interrupted, and regard me with surprise.

Then, shock of all shocks, my Mother looks at my pityingly and gets up, wrapping me in a hug I don't quite know how to respond to.

"Mom?"

"I'm so sorry about your friend...your friend Spencer, Ashley." She pats my back three times in quick succession, then releases me.

I look at Kyla. "You told her?"

"She didn't have to, dear." My Mother says, "It's all over the news. Have you done any interviews yet?"

"Mom." I say, warning in my voice.

"Of course, it's too soon." She ushers me to take a seat. "So, how is Spencer?"

"She's...uh.." I scratch my head. "She'll live."

Kyla looks at me, concerned, and I just shrug.

"Are you okay? You look like you've been to Hell and back." She surveys my face. "Those circles under your eyes...have you been getting much sun?"

"Christine, I don't think Ashley's really up for talking about it." Kyla glances at me, and I send her an appreciative look through hooded eyes.

My Mother pauses, looking at us both with her fingers on her chin. "Very well. I'm going out for Chinese. Who wants to join?"

Silence. She nods at this, collects her things, and gives me an exaggerated kiss on the head. One for Kyla, too, and she's out the door.

"Sorry." Kyla says, once she's gone. "We were actually having a nice talk, before...well...I think she's just wigged out."

I shift uncomfortably. "She's always liked you better. No secret."

Kyla shrugs at this. "I was gonna go see Spencer today, then Christine showed up."

"Don't bother." I grumble.

"Don't bother?"

"Spencer freaked out on me today. I just..." I sigh, looking at the ceiling. "Mood swings, you know?"

"What happened?" Kyla prods, knowing I want to vent.

"She just..." I struggle with the words. "She thinks I'm in love with Aiden or something." I try to laugh out loud at this, but I don't feel like I've laughed in forever. "I've never been in love with Aiden."

"Did you tell her that?" Kyla's voice is quiet.

"Yes."

"Did you tell Aiden that?"

I look at her. "I'm sure he knows."

Kyla opens her mouth, then closes it.

"What?" I demand.

"You can't really be sure what Aiden knows. Think about it from his perspective, he tells you he wants you back, and Spencer confronts you, and you turn it into Indecision '07." She tries to tell me this in a light tone.

"What, have you been talking to Aiden?" I ask, rubbing my temples. A headache's coming on.

"Well, yeah, Ash. Someone had to."

"Whatever." I lean back and close my eyes.

"It's only going to get worse, Ash. You can't let stuff like this sit for too long, it'll get too big."

I sit up. "How would you know? Doesn't it bother you that he lied to you, strung you along like that? When he really wanted me."

She looks like I slapped her, and for a second, I kind of feel like I did. "You know, I'm not surprised you can be full of yourself, even in a situation like this." She says in disbelief.

"I didn't mean it like - "

"And for the record, yeah. It stung." Her eyes flash. "This hasn't been a walk in the park for me, either, Ashley."

"I know."

"I don't think you do." She says, sounding like she has more to say, then stifles herself. "I'm trying to help you. You obviously aren't all right, and you don't have a lot of people in your corner right now."

I let her words sink in, knowing they're true. "I'm the world's biggest jackass." I mutter.

"Well, there goes that ego again." She pokes me in the ribs.

I look at her with a glimmer of a smile. "Los Angeles?"

"That might be more accurate, yeah." She nods, then gets serious again. "Promise me you'll talk to Aiden?"

"I might."

"Ash."

"I promise I might?"

She gives me an amused look, then stands up and pads upstairs. I think I should give her a lot more credit.

But in the mean time, I rub my eyes and lean back, surprisingly, falling asleep almost the second I close them.

_"Ashley."_

_I open my eyes to Spencer. I'm in her bed, and she's next to me, and we're wrapped up together, the way it should be._

_"Spencer." I'm not surprised to see her, because I knew we'd always end up like this. "You look so pretty."_

_She smiles at my compliment, and leans forward to kiss me. I close my eyes, anticipating it, and then I feel a wetness. I open my eyes and look down, a sickening redness is spreading over the bed, covering the sheets._

_"What the..." I look up at Spencer, who's become pale, with stringy hair, and gaunt eyes. "Spencer! What's wrong?"_

_The red continues to seep into the blankets, weighing us down. "I'm dying, Ashley." She pulls away from me._

_I can't speak._

_"But it's okay." Spencer's becoming more decrepit by the second, I almost can't look at her. But I know I have to. "You have Aiden now. You don't need me."_

_"I'll always need you!" I cry out. _

_I struggle against the sheets, but I can't move. The red blood is heavier and thicker than I expected, and I'm not strong enough to prevail against them. I want to take Spencer back in my arms, but I can't._

_When I look back at her, she's the same Spencer again, sunny disposition and smiling. "Spence..."_

_Her smile broadens, and she leans forward to whisper something in my ear. "I'm dead."_

"Spencer!"

I'm awake, and drenched in sweat. I look down, and I'm covered with a heavy quilt in the middle of summer. I kick it off like a madwoman and look outside, only to find that it's night time.

"Oh my, God." I wipe clamminess from my forehead, breathing heavily. "Shit." I feel my heart thud in my ears, my fingertips.

I stumble to the counter, grabbing my keys, and then I'm out into the cool night air. I've been sleeping for hours, but I don't feel any less exhausted. I can barely keep awake, swerving in and out of lanes to the hospital.

I walk like a zombie through the corridors of the hospital. "Visiting hours are over." The nurse tells me. I look at her without a word, and she recognizes my face, stepping back to let me past. I don't want to think about how I look.

Spencer's room is dark and quiet, except for the barely audible sounds of her breathing. She's alive. I let out a long sigh, feeling drained.

The machinery, less now than there was before, gives the room a strange energy.

I collapse into the chair as quietly as I can manage, and squeeze my eyes shut, praying for sleep.


	13. And We'll Survive With What We've Got

I slept well that night. No nightmares, no dying Spencer, no waking up suddenly. Just once, with a yawn, just before the sun came up. I left before Spencer woke up, kissing her on the forehead. I couldn't help it.

For the next week and some odd days, I was a phantom. The ladies working the night shift didn't pay any attention to me, letting me roam in and out of Spencer's room at odd hours of the evening and morning.

I didn't visit her during the day. She probably thought I was ignoring her, or trying to forget about her. It would have ripped me up inside to let her think that, but every night, I came to her bedside and saw her sleeping like a baby. And it helped me not feel so bad.

It's the only place I can get a good night's sleep. Kyla doesn't ask me where I go, I think she knows. I also am sure she knows not to mention this to Spencer.

In everyone's eyes, I was a ghost. I hardly spoke to anyone, and now that school was over, I had nothing to hold me back. Some days I would go to the beach, but that reminded me too much of Spencer.

Sometimes I drive my the Carlin house. More often than not, there isn't anyone home. I guess they're busy people, but it's sad to see the house empty.

Most time, though, I sit in my room and yell at anyone who knocks at the door.

Like now, for instance.

"What?!"

"You have a visitor." My Mother says in her stern way.

"No, I don't want any girl scout cookies."

"It's a Carlin."

I rip my headphones off. "Cute, blonde, blue eyes?" I demand. Spencer? Why the heck would Spencer be here?

I fling my door open. "Very cute." My Mother tells me, and I give her a questioning look before throwing myself down the stairs at full speed.

Glen Carlin is waiting by my front door, looking a little ticked off.

"You aren't Spencer."

He just blinks at my disappointed tone, and I hear my Mother chuckle behind me and excuse herself.

"Listen, don't think I want to be here." He says, as if that had to be mentioned.

"What do you want?" I cross my arms.

"It's what Spencer wants."

I try to sound casual. "Ah, what..what does she want?"

"She wants you to stop being a bitch and come back to visit her."

"She said that?"

He rolls his eyes. "Yes, Spencer called you a bitch."

I make a sad face.

"No, you idiot. Of course she didn't. She told me to come get you to see her, and managed to use the words 'love' and 'girlfriend' like, eleven million times." He sounds like he hates to be relaying this message.

"She said I was her girlfriend?" I pipe up hopefully.

"I didn't take a transcript!" He says, annoyed. "Just...she's about to get released, and she's convinced you hate her. And I don't want to see her like that." He gets serious. "So you come visit her and tell her whatever she wants to hear, you got it?"

"Well, maybe I'm not ready."

"Ready for what?"

"We had a fight.." I say lamely.

Glen sighs dramatically. "Oh, you had a fight. A fight, how terrible!" He mocks me. "Get it together, seriously. And get over yourself."

He leaves me standing there, turning on his heel. So Spencer wants to see me. I thought I would be the first one to break, honestly. I definitely didn't think she'd want to be anywhere near me.

Once again, I was wrong.

I mull this over all day. Kyla knows something's up, but I ignore her meaningful glances. So of course, she's waiting up when late in the night rolls around, waiting to see what I'll do.

"Where are you going?" She puts her book down.

I take my hand away from the doorknob, "Out."

"Out where?"

"To do stuff."

She narrows her eyes, trying to figure me out. She's gotten good at it lately. "What, do you have a new girlfriend?"

That flusters me "What? No, I don't - I mean, if I wanted to, but...Spencer, you know...we're kind of..well, I don't...really. Um, no."

Kyla tries not to look so amused. "Tell Spencer I said hi."

I glare at her, letting out a breath that turns into a sigh. "We never talk." I say glumly, opening the door and disappearing into the night.

The nurses tell me she's to be released in two days. I'm a little surprised, but she has been looking healthier. From what I see in her sleep, anyways.

I lower myself into the chair, for once, not feeling really tired. I watch the steady rise and fall of her chest, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her somehow.

I don't think I have that right, even though I still consider her mine.

"They told me you'd be here."

I jump up, startled to the point of heart attack, and fall out of my seat, flat onto my back. "Ow."

"Get up, Ashley."

I do, standing awkwardly at her bedside. "Hi."

"Where have you been?" She sounds a little angry, her eyes shining in the dark.

"Around..."

"Ten days." She lets me know, as if I haven't been counting, too. "Ten days I've sat here, waiting for you to come so we could make up."

I don't meet her eyes. "You sent me away."

"Ten days."

"You said awful, horrible things and made me leave. How was I supposed to come back after that?"

"How could you not?" She whispers, and it makes me feel about an inch tall.

I hang my head. "I'm - "

"Don't say you're sorry."

"I...I feel really bad?" I say instead.

She sighs at this. "Come here."

I stand there, motionless.

"Ashley."

I look at her, finally.

"Come here."

I sit down in my chair and she reaches an arm out. I place my head gently in her lap from my sitting position, and she strokes my hair. "This time, I'm sorry." She tells me, and I can feel her fingers dance on my scalp. I lose myself in her touch.

"It's okay."

"It's not. I - I was angry. I had to lash out at someone, and you...you made a good punching bag." She traces my outer ear with a finger, making me shiver.

"I deserved it. You had every right to...do everything you did." I say, closing my eyes as she runs her fingers along my neck, my jawline. "Every good couple has to have a rumble every now and then anyways."

I can feel her stare at the back of my head. "Everything you said was the truth?"

"The things I said that weren't bitchy, yeah. Every single word." I promise.

I hear her let out a breath. "It didn't feel right when you weren't around."

"Yeah?"

Her fingertips tickle my cheekbone. "I miss touching you." She says softly, making my breathing hitch.

I turn my head around, so I'm peering up at her face. "I'm right here."

"I know."

I look at her for a split second more, and she flicks a piece of hair from my cheek. I sit up and lean forward, my face inches from hers.

"I'm right here." I say again.

She just nods this time, looking expectant and nervous. We're so close, our noses brush each other.

Spencer licks her lips. "I feel like..."

"What?"

"Remember our first kiss?" She asks hesitantly.

I smile at her, glancing down at her lips. "I'll never forget it."

She rests her forehead against mine. "Ash?"

"Hm?" I bring my hand up to caress her cheek. She closes her eyes dreamily against my touch.

"Kiss me?"

I let my hand slide down her face gently until I'm holding her chin, guiding her lips to mine. I close my eyes and press our lips together, every nerve ending on my body responding by exploding in tingles.

It's a familiar kiss, and it's something we both needed. When we pull apart, we know this isn't a promise of anything to come, and it's easier knowing we don't have to define it.

My lips are still buzzing when I pull my chair close to her bed, lacing our hands together. "My sweetheart." I murmur.

She sighs contentedly. "You know, I dreamed about you every night."

I smile in the darkness. "Yeah?"

"I usually have nightmares, but...I just dreamed of you. Kissing me right...here." She points to her forehead.

I kiss her fingers, deciding not to tell her the truth. I like to let her think I can protect her anywhere, even in her dreams, too.

"It's like you were almost here with me."


	14. Standing Amidst the Wreckage of Our Past

"Whoa, okay, one more step." Glen is clutching Spencer's hand softly, and Arthur is holding the front door to the Carlin residence open.

Clay and Paula are rushing around inside trying to clear things out of her way so she can sit down, and me? Well, I'm holding her purse.

Or more precisely, her bag of medical supplies. Pills, hospital bracelets, gauze, all that stuff I don't like to look at. Spencer's kind of struggling with being upright, her ribs are still broken and very sore, but she's trying to make it seem like no big deal.

"I got it." She says shakily, entering the front door of her house. Glen leads her to the couch and she sits down very slowly.

"Are you comfortable?" Paula asks, draping a blanket over her.

"Uh, yeah.." Spencer says, peering behind the crowd and finding my eyes. She senses I feel a bit out of place and pats the couch next to her.

I hide a smile and oblige her, butting my way through to take a spot next to her.

Paula sighs loudly. "Alright, honey - what do you feel like for dinner?"

Spencer grimaces. "I couldn't imagine eating, Mom."

"Aw, come on." Glen whips out his cell phone. "I can have a thin crusted, pepperoni and olive Papa John's pizza here in less than thirty minutes."

Spencer grins at him, but still shakes her head. "I'm kind of tired..." She cocks an eyebrow. "Who has the remote?"

Everyone stumbles over themselves trying to make her feel at home, making sure she's completely comfortable and not in any pain.

Paula has to run back to the hospital to finish her shift, and Glen and Clay eventually drift upstairs.

Mr. C flips on the TV, glances at the two of us. "I think I'll leave you two to it - DVDs are on the shelf, Ashley. If you need anything, Spence, holler."

"I've never felt so loved before." Spencer jokes as he starts to exit the room.

"You were always the baby." He calls over his shoulder.

I wait until he leaves and lay my head back on the couch, gazing at her tenderly. "My baby." I tell her.

She giggles at this, and reaches over and clasps her hand with mine, flipping through the channels.

"Ooh! L Word, L Word, L Word." I say, as she continues right past it.

"Ash. I can't watch that."

"Uhhh..Spence, I don't know if you knew this - you're already gay. Everyone knows. We totally did it and everything."

She looks at me dryly. "It would freak Glen out if he walked downstairs and we're cuddling, watching a show about lesbians."

"Okay, for the record, we aren't cuddling. I haven't gotten my cuddle on in far too long, actually. I just don't think you're physically up to it."

Spencer raises an eyebrow, and I continue.

"And that's a point I'm always trying to make - people need to be desensitized to hot girls making out. So, I venture we do it as much as possible. In front of everyone."

"In front of everyone." She repeats. I nod wisely. "You never tried to make that point."

"Well, I'm going to start." I tell her, and she just laughs, stopping the channel on Cartoon Network.

"Ah! Spence. So lame." I watch a studly cartoon character strut across the screen.

"Johnny Bravo is not lame."

I consider this. "He's just a giant, egomaniacal doofus." I point out to her.

She looks at me, a sly look on her face. "Who else does that sound like?"

"Um, I'm not giant."

"True."

We watch cartoons for a while, Spencer giggling like a little kid at every lame joke. I don't like watching the cartoons half as much as I like watching her face light up. I feel the overwhelming urge to lean over and kiss her, something I would have done without hesitation say, three weeks ago.

Now, everything's change. So all that happens is she catches me looking at her and I glance away quickly, like a kid caught staring in class.

"Enjoying the view?" She asks, amused.

Before I can answer, the doorbell rings, startling Spencer to the point where I reach over and pat her on the leg.

"You okay?" I whisper, and she just nods quickly as Glen runs downstairs and pulls open the door.

I reach over and pinch Spencer's nose playfully, and we turn our attention back to the TV when Glen's voice interrupts us. "Spencer, you want me to kick his ass?"

I look over and see Glen holding the door open for Kyla, with Aiden behind her.

"Glen, be nice." Kyla says, poking her head in. "Spencer, can we come in?"

"Is that Aiden?" Spencer asks, putting her hand on my arm possessively.

For once, I'm on Glen's side. "Do your worst, Glen."

"We just want to talk." Kyla says, while Aiden looks extremely uncomfortable. Glen rolls his eyes, trying to close the door on them.

"Glen!" Spencer says sharply, and he steps back. "Let them in."

He looks questioningly at me, and I just shrug. I have no idea. He turns around and pads upstairs. "Call me if I need to play bouncer." He grumbles.

Kyla steps in and comes over to hug Spencer, who looks a little distraught, but won't take her eyes off Aiden. He steps through the door, looking sheepish.

"How are you?" He asks Spencer.

"Shot."

He clears his throat. "I, uh, I brought you these." He hesitantly hands Spencer a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

"No flowers for Ashley?" She asks hotly. Aiden looks down.

"Spencer, I'm - "

"Sorry, right?" She cuts him off, sounding angry. I sit up straighter, feeling on edge.

"Yeah..." He says weakly. "I was just - "

"Trying to steal my girlfriend." Spencer cuts him off again.

Aiden doesn't quite know what to say. Kyla bites on her lip, looking like she regrets bringing him over. But then she speaks up, over the tension.

"Listen." Her voice is low, and she looks each of us in the eye, in turn. "We were all friends before this happened. I don't understand why we can't be, now."

"I thought he was my friend." Spencer tells her. "One of my best. Then he stuck a knife in my back and twisted it."

Aiden flinches at this, and tries to speak up. Spencer, once again, my girl, doesn't let him speak.

"You wanted to take Ashley from me." She says, voice growing with each word. "You tried to make her choose, hoping that choice would be you." She lays it all out for him. "How could you do that, Aiden? After all I'd been through - you were there for us that whole time. How could you?"

She sounds genuinely upset by his betrayal, and his eyes seem to water up. "I was just..I was just trying to make myself happy."

"I didn't deserve to be happy?" Spencer demands, and I glance at Kyla. Her face says it all: Crap.

Aiden's jaw clenches. "You guys didn't seem that happy." He mumbles.

"What?" I snap.

"Oh, come on, Ashley. Every other word out of your mouth was about how things weren't working out between you and Spencer - "

My anger flares up instantly. "Don't twist my words, you stupid asshole." I tell him through clenched teeth. I feel Spencer's hand find my own and I try to calm myself.

"I'm sorry." Aiden says miserably. "I'm sorry, okay? What else can I say? I thought I had a shot, and apparently..."

"You didn't." Spencer finishes, rubbing it in.

"Guess not." Aiden says, looking like he's had it. "You know what? I'm done - I'm sorry for being selfish for once in my damn life, but I can only apologize so much." He scratches the back of his head, looking towards Kyla. "I'm sorry, I - I can't. I'm sorry, Spencer." He says earnestly, and then bolts out the door.

Spencer watches him go, lips pressed into a thin line. Kyla and I stare at her. "O...kay." Kyla says. "That didn't work...quite as well as I would have hoped."

"Yeah.." Spencer says bitterly. "I thought - I thought I had it in me to be nice to him, but..." She looks a little disappointed in herself. "Sorry, Kyla."

"Don't apologize." Kyla says, "He's just..." She sighs. "We're all just messed up, you know?"

Spencer and I both nod silently. We know.

Kyla is quiet for a second longer before coming over and wrapping us both in a hug. "I'll come by another time, Spencer."

Spencer nods as Kyla pulls away from the hug. "See you at home." She tells me, and leaves. Apparently Aiden was her ride.

The door closes, and I look at Spencer. "That sucked."

Spencer doesn't say anything. She seems tense, and I curse Aiden and Kyla silently. We were having such a perfect time before they showed up. Now she's pulling away again.

I reach an arm around her shoulders, careful not to hurt her sore ribs, and kiss her on the temple.

She leans away a tiny bit. "We aren't back together, Ash."

I pull my arm back immediately, feeling stupid. "I know."

Spencer looks like she has more to say, but just clicks the TV on.

Cartoons don't have the same charm, after that.


	15. You Are No Ordinary Drain on My Defenses

"You guys are unbelievable." I say, throwing my purse onto the side table and glaring at Kyla and Aiden, who are sitting in my living room.

"We were trying to make things right." Kyla offers, but I just fix my glare on Aiden.

"Who said he could come in?"

"I'm leaving." He stands up, but Kyla grabs his arm.

"Ash."

"He is leaving." I say steadily, and Aiden strides out the door without another word.

Kyla looks at me, angry, as I flop down on the couch casually.

"What was that?"

"Um, he's a douche." I say, clicking on the TV.

"He was trying to - "

"He was trying to make himself feel less guilty." I snap. "We're not interested."

"It was my idea." She insists.

"Well, that sucks, I thought you'd be smarter than that." I tell her, turning the channel.

"You're so immature."

"You're so immature." I mimic.

She rolls her eyes.

"Listen, Kyla." I turn to her. "Can I just relax and watch TV right now? I kind of had a busy day - "

She snorts. "Doing what?"

I just stare at her like she's stupid. "What's your problem? Why are you - why are you even hanging out with Aiden?"

"Because maybe he listens. Maybe he tries to understand."

"Whatever."

"Like you should. But you have Spencer to go to. Who do I have? I'm sorry, but I didn't have many options."

"You think it's all rainbows and flowers with Spencer?" I demand, tossing the remote onto the table. It clatters loudly. "She's freaked out, Ky. I'm freaked out. I'm sorry I don't have time coddle you."

"I didn't ask you to. I just asked you to...care. God, why can't you just care?"

"I do care." I say indignantly.

"You don't show it."

I take a deep breath. "Well, then, I'm sorry."

She stares at me a moment longer, and then takes off upstairs. I watch her go, sure she didn't think I was being sincere, and then am very aware of how tired I feel.

I lie down and close my eyes.

When I open them, someone's covered me with a blanket, and it's early the next morning. I'm very surprised at this, but am thankful for an entire night of sleep.

I get up and pad into the kitchen, where Kyla's pouring orange juice.

I set a glass down beside hers, and she fills me up.

"Morning." She says.

"You're up early."

"So are you."

"It's a fluke." I sip my juice.

"I bet."

I drink the rest of my juice, and she does too, finishing our glasses in silence. After we put them in the sink, we stand awkwardly until I go to the sink and wash both glasses.

"You wash dishes?" She quips.

I turn off the water and turn around. "Listen. I care. Okay?" I say, almost forcefully.

Kyla looks caught off guard. "Um, okay?"

"No, really. I mean, I never thought I would like you." I tell her honestly, with a serious face. "But I...well, I care, okay?"

She grins at me. "Awww." She scoops me into a hug. "I love you too, Ash!"

"I didn't say that!"

She just squeezes me tighter. "I knew you'd break down and say it. Ha!"

I groan.

"Say it." She looks at me. "You have to say it."

"This is emotional blackmail." I tell her.

She just waits.

"I love you." I grumble.

"What was that?"

I glare at her. "Stuff it, _half _sister."

She skips out of the kitchen, laughing it off. I smile a bit despite my self when I hear her chirp to herself. "It's going to be a beautiful day."

It is. The sun is out in full force, the air is crisp, and the sky is blue. So blue, in fact, I find myself thinking of Spencer while I'm taking a walk, clearing my head. Not that I wouldn't think of her, anyways. But it was a nice comparison.

I walk past a picket fence, with some lovely yellow roses peeking through. I glance up at the porch, and see and old woman swinging on a porch swing. She sees me and squints in the sun. "You're that Davies girl!"

"Guilty as charged." I say, peering at her flowers. "These are really beautiful."

"Planted that bush myself." She tells me, proud. "Years ago."

I lean down to smell one. "Can I steal some?" I ask her.

She takes a few slow steps down off of her porch. "Now why would you be needing my flowers, sweetie?"

I touch the petals gently. "There's this beautiful, beautiful girl. And she's kind of sick, and stuck indoors, and I think she'd really get a kick out of them."

She's silent, so I just reach in my pocket to whip out my cell phone. "I'll just take a picture."

"Nonsense!" She swats my hand away. I look at her with a smile while she talks. "Your generation, silly children. You can't get the full effect of things off a screen! Always looking at a screen..." She mumbles, turning to amble inside her house. "Experience! That's where life is. You stay right there, honey."

I wait patiently, and she reappears moments later with a tiny clipper and some ribbon. She clips the stems with a quick and steady hand, then wraps three flowers with a ribbon. "For your friend. I hope she gets better."

"Me too." I say, handling the flowers with care. "Thank you so much..."

"Edna."

"Edna." I stick my hand out. "Edna, I'm Ashley. And I'm very thankful."

She shakes my hand and smiles, and eventually, I start down the side of the street that leads to Spencer's house.

Clay answers the door. "Hi. Can Spencer come out and play?"

He gives me a smile and pulls me inside the house. "You seem in good spirits."

"I know, right?" I sniff the flowers. "And how are you?"

He just laughs. "I'm fine. Spencer's upstairs."

I give him an excited look and bound the stairs two at a time. I knock on Spencer's door lightly.

"Come in."

I peek my head in. She's sitting on her bed with a magazine, propped up with pillows.

"You knocked?" She asks.

"You might have been naked or something." I say in my defense, putting the flowers behind my back.

"You've seen me naked." Spencer counters.

I consider this, walking into the room. "Does this mean I haven't lost naked Spencer-seeing privileges?" I ask with wide eyes. "Why didn't you tell me - we've been wasting so much time!"

"Down, boy." She tells me, beaming. "What's behing your back?"

"Surprise."

She gets an impatient look on her face, eyes bright. "I love surprises."

"I know." I tell her with a laugh, walking to her bedside and presenting her with the flowers. "Compliments of Edna. They reminded me of you."

Spencer gasps and reaches out to take them. "They're beautiful."

"I did say they reminded me of you." I kiss her on the top of the head.

"Thank you, Ash. I love them. I love you."

"Love you too, Spence." I tell her easily, gazing into her eyes before walking over to her window. "You should really open this - it's a great day out." I prop it open.

She smells the flowers. "Ah. Smells like outside."

I pull up her computer chair. "If things were different, we'd probably be at the beach right now." I say, looking out the window dreamily. "Getting tans, splashing each other, fending off dorky guys..."

She gets a wistful look on her face. "Trying to hitch hike home?"

I laugh, propping my feet up on her bed. "Or that."

She sighs, and I know we're both remembering the same day. "We'll have lots of time after you get better to do - "

"Everything?"

"Everything." I echo.

We're silent for a minute, then I poke her with my foot. "Whatcha readin'?"

"People."

"Anything good?"

Spencer shrugs, flipping through the pages. "Angelina Jolie wants 14 babies."

"She's pretty, but that woman's insane." I shake my head.

"You don't want kids?"

"And ruin this figure?" I don't think so.

"When you're older. And in a stable relationship."

"I'm a lesbian."

"So?"

"So? So you never want to have kids?"

"I...never thought about it." I lie, hoping she won't bring my past with Aiden up.

She gives me a pointed look. "Weren't you going to - "

"Yes." I cut her off quietly. "Yes, I was. But it was different."

"You would have Aiden's baby and no one else's." She says in a deceptively plain voice.

I almost choke on my spit. "What?"

"You said - "

"What, do you want to have my babies or something?"

"You wouldn't have my babies?" She demands, sounding peeved.

My mouth hardly works. I can't believe we're having this conversation. "We're not even together!" I blurt out, feeling put on the spot.

"So you wouldn't!"

"Oh, my God! Spencer, we have got to look into what kind of pills they're giving you, because - "

"When Aiden got you - "

"It was different!"

"How?"

I open my mouth. How, indeed. "Because I didn't have you." I say simply, before I can think of a better answer. Then I realize there couldn't be a better answer, because it's the complete truth.

"But - "

"No buts."

"But - "

"No buts!" I snit, sighing. "Spencer, no more Aiden talk, okay? The kid's boring. You know I'm in love with _you_, not him, right?"

"And - "

"And I'd have your hypothetical babies anyday, even though we're technically just friends right now." I can hardly keep from laughing at such an absurd sentence.

But it makes Spencer feel better, andI know I've said all the right things. "You know, you can come on the bed."

I look at her bed, and it's true, it's big enough for the both of us. "Are you sure?"

She rolls her eyes. "I didn't invite you in for tea and sex. Just come up on the bed, Ash."

I stand up, thinking tea and sex sounds good, but cuddling with Spencer sounds just as fine. I crawl onto Spencer's bed, taking care not to bump into her or rattle the bed too heavily.

I settle in next to her, our shoulders touching. She places the magazine between us, and before I know it, she's engrossed in our horoscopes.

"We're totally compatible." Spencer says, peering at the joining of Libra and Aries.

"Duh." I say, my cheek on her shoulder. "We're awesome."

"No, I know." She points. "But it's totally written in the stars."

I peer down at the paper. "Spencer, it says 'the attraction between Aries and Libra is a common occurrence but not a lasting one. This combination makes for a marvellous affair, but not necessarily for a good marriage'."I look at her. "I don't see any writing in the stars."

She grabs the magazine. "It also says, 'this is a magnificent combination. The warm and passionate Libra will make a welcome home for the fiery and impetuous Aries'."

"We are "on break"." I use finger quotes, rolling my eyes. "Maybe we were just an affair. Maybe this stupid paper is right."

"Or maybe it just leaves it open ended so it's always right." Spencer says logically, after I deflated her bubble. She throws the magazine on her dresser.

"Let's ignore that stuff, anyways." I say, letting my head rest against her arm, staring at the wall. "It's stupid."

"They did say marvellous, though. And magnificent."

"The best 'm' adjectives." I say, closing my eyes and relaxing. She leans her head against mine,

"I'd have your hypothetical babies, too, Ash." Spencer whispers softly, murmuring against my hair. Shivers run up my spine.

I smile at this, letting it sink in, then shift my weight to climb off the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna get some water for our flowers."


	16. The Skyline, Baby, is Bright Tonight

"You're doing it wrong."

"I am not." Spencer grumbles, eyebrows furrowed concentration.

"You're not even knitting in a straight line." I say, pointing a crochet needle at her.

"Neither are you!"

"I'm not trying to. I'm making you booties."

Spencer glares at me. "Since when did you become an expert crocheter?"

"Since when did you become so jealous?" I say haughtily, giving her a wink.

Truth is, with Spencer cooped up in her room all day recouperating, I've had a lot of time to think about things we could do together. Since I'm not very imaginative, I came up with knitting. Something I turned out to be very good at. After about a week and a half of practicing, though, Spencer can hardly hold the two needles straight.

"I don't even want booties." She tosses the ball of yarn back onto her table, a little frustrated.

"Aw. You're so mad I'm good at something you're not."

"Dream on, Davies." She rolls her eyes grandly. I continue crocheting in silence.

There's a knock on the door. "Hey, Spence." Glen pokes his head in. "We got pasta down here if you want some."

"Sauce from a can?" She quips. Spencer's been very picky lately. Getting downstairs to eat is kind of an ordeal for her, so it has to be good to lure her down.

"Oh, you know it's homemade." Glen tells her, swinging his head around. We both laugh.

"You stayin', Ash?" He taps his fingers impatiently on the doorway. Glen's been kind of dismissive to me lately, but also oddly nice. I don't know how to explain it, except to say that I've been at the Carlin household so often I'm practically a fixture.

Perhaps he's just gotten used to me. Arthur and Clay are polite as usual, and only Paula seems to be giving me a cold shoulder.

"Uh, sure..." I say, glancing at Spencer. She smiles at me.

"I'll send Mom up to help you down, then." Glen says.

"Ashley's got it." Spencer says quickly, and I nod.

"I got it."

"Whatevs." And with that, Glen's off. "Dinner in ten!"

"Here, gimme that." I say, gesturing to Spencer's needles and yarn. She hands them over, and I wrap all the stuff up and place it on the shelf. Then I make sure nothing's in the way that Spencer might trip over.

"How're your ribs?" I ask.

She takes a steady breath. "Okay?"

"Did you take your pills? You can't eat unless - "

"Yeah, yeah."

"Do you - "

"Ashley." She gives me an appreciate smile. "Just help me downstairs."

I stop where I am, nodding. "Okay, yeah." Sometimes my mind goes a mile a minute, when it comes to Spencer.

I pull the covers back for her and reach out to grab her hand. She grips on tight and I gently pull her out of bed, and she stands on her own while I grab her brush.

"Hold your head still." I tell her, running it through her hair a couple times. Then I go in front of her, looking her up and down. "Beautiful!" I kiss her quickly on the cheek and set the brush down, giving her my arm.

The stairs offer a bit of trouble for Spencer, but she leans on me and we get down okay. Paula is waiting at the bottom. "How are you doing, Spencer?"

"I'm good." Spencer says cheerily, and I go to lead her over to the dining room table, where Clay is setting up the placemats. Paula takes Spencer's other arm.

"I got it, Ashley."

"Oh, it's fine, I - "

"I got it." Paula repeats, a little icily. I give Spencer a strange look and let go of her arm and hand, going to take my place at the table.

"Smells great!" Glen says loudly, coming to sit down.

"Dad's famous pasta, you can never go wrong." Clay grins.

Spencer sits down lightly next to me, and Paula goes to sit on the opposite side of her. She reaches over and squeezes my thigh, and I make a goofy face at her so she giggles.

"Dinner is served!" Arthur comes bustling out of the door with plates, setting them down in front of each person.

The food steams up an aroma into everyone's nostrils, but before we eat, we take hands in prayer. Something I've gotten used to, after many dinners in the Carlin house.

"Father who art in heaven..."

Everyone's eyes are closed during the prayer, but I always sneak a peak. Clay's hand is warm, and Spencer's hand is soft. She's caressing her thumb over my knuckles, and I shoot her a look. She winks at me and I grin back.

"Amen." We all say, and dig in.

"So, Ashley, how's your mother?" Paula asks, after Glen shares his story about some MILF, his words, at the mall.

"Ummm.." I finish chewing. "She's okay. I don't see her much."

"I don't imagine you do. You're over here so often, it's a wonder she sees you at all."

The food lodges in my throat. "Yeah.."

Glen notices the immediate tension and clears his throat.

Arthur speaks up. "We're glad for the help, Ashley."

Spencer beams a smile at him, while Paula shoves a forkful of pasta into her mouth, chewing angrily. Only Paula Carlin could chew angrily.

"Anytime, Mr. C."

"Hey, Ash." Spencer turns to me. "Could you get me some soda?"

"Sure." I go to sit up, but Paula stands up quicker.

"I'll get it."

I feel awkward, sitting back down. Spencer frowns.

"I asked Ashley."

"I said, I'll do it." Paula says, storming into the kitchen.

Everyone looks at each other in her absence. "Your Mother's under a lot of pressure, kids." Arthur explains, glancing at me. I look down at my plate, embarassed.

"Sorry." Spencer whispers to me. I just shrug, and Clay and Glen start talking to each other about college plans to pass the time.

Paula comes back and places a glass of frosty soda in front of Spencer, nearly slamming it down.

I gulp, and everyone resumes eating.

I feel Spencer's fingers lace through mine under the table. I glance at her, and she's eating casually. That girl is something else.

After dinner, I stand off to the side and let Paula set Spencer up on the couch, fussing over her for a while, and then she retires to the kitchen to clean up after dinner dishes.

I sit down next to Spencer. "Should I go offer to help her with dishes or something?" I glance towards the kitchen door.

"I don't know what's up her butt." Spencer shakes her head.

"Maybe she wants some booties?" I ask hopefully.

"I think she's jealous of the time you're spending with me." Spencer tells me thoughtfully. I look at her in wonder.

"You're such a therapist's kid."

"Maybe you should ignore me or something. Maybe she'd like you more." Spencer offers.

I scoff at this. "You know that's not happening."

"Good."

I peer back at the kitchen. "Although, I should be getting home. She's right - I probably do spend too much time here."

Spencer looks a little worried. "Do you think - "

"I wouldn't have it any other way." I assure her. "What do you think I have to do that's better?"

"Quantum physics?"

"Not even that, sweetheart." I tell her, and she wraps her arm through mine.

"Sweetheart." She repeats. "I could get used to that."

"You should, because it's sticking around."

"Just like you?"

I nod. "Exactly like me."

Spencer looks content, and I lean over and press my hand to her cheek, laying a kiss on her other. "On that note..."

"Goodnight?"

I kiss her again. "Mhm."

"Lots of quantum physics?"

I kiss her once more, on the forehead. "You know it."

"Goodnight, Ash."

I withdraw my arm from hers, standing up.

"'night, Spence."

When I hop in my car, I peer back at the window and see Paula Carlin pull the curtain shut in a hurry.

I sigh. "'night, Paula."


	17. There's Nothing as Lucky as Easy or Free

"Cute?"

I look at Kyla, who's holding up a hideous green blouse. "Ew."

"I like it!"

"Then get it, if you prefer to look like a baglady. There's no shortage of cash." I say, turning around to rifle through a rack of skirts.

I'm taking a much needed day off. I almost feel guilty; I haven't seen Spencer all day. But, shopping is the ultimate relaxer.

Not that I need a day off from Spencer or anything, but Kyla says she hardly ever sees me anymore. I feel obligated to be nice to her, since she swore off Aiden because I asked her to.

I think I like my sister a lot.

"Ash - this skirt is gorgeous!"

I peek over. "Once again, are you going for hobo chic? Whaddup with the frills?"

"I like frills."

"I can see that."

We bring armfuls of clothes up to the register, setting them on the counter and waiting for the lady, a pink haired punkette, to ring us up.

"How are you ladies doing today?"

"Fine." Kyla says, as the lady starts shoving our things in bags. She cringes at a yellow and green skirt that Kyla picked out.

"I told you!" I say to Kyla, and the lady looks up. "My sister, the gypsy." I explain.

"I take it this is yours, then?" She regards Kyla, holding up a floral blouse with startling lime green colors.

"Guilty as charged."

"She likes to look like a walking landscape." I joke.

The lady snorts out a laugh, and I notice her nose ring. "Ah. Did that hurt?" I ask, pointing to her nose.

"No, but I'm tough."

"I bet."

"I'm thinking of getting a tattoo next."

"Well, I'm tough, too. But this," I pull up my shirt, turning around. "Hurt like hell."

"No way! You got a tramp stamp."

I turn around, trying to look outraged. "Tramp stamp?"

She raises her eyebrows, nodding appreciatively. "Very nice."

I smile at her, "Well, yeah. It is."

Kyla clears her throat and hands the lady swipes it. Eventually, we're on our way.

"Was she hot?" Kyla asks, switching bags from left hand to right.

"Eh." I shrug.

"Well, you must have thought so."

I frown at her. "What does that mean?"

Kyla laughs out loud. "You were totally flirting with her, Ash."

"Uh, no. No, I wasn't."

"Yeah, right." Kyla snorts.

"I talk like that to everyone."

"Ha!"

"I'm a natural charmer!" I defend myself.

"Should Spencer be worried?" Kyla teases.

Before I can say no, my phone rings. I glare at Kyla and reach in my pocket.

"Hey, Spence." I smile into the phone.

"Hey.."

"Are you alright?" I ask, and Kyla looks at me, alarmed.

Spencer laughs a little. "I'm fine. What are you up to?"

"Oh, nothing. Just at the mall with Kyla."

"Oooh. Fun."

"Yeah. What are you doing?"

"Um, watching Sally Jesse Raphael."

I wince. "Sorry."

"Yeah. So, when are you coming over?"

"Uhhh - "

"Not that you _have _to or anything - "

"Spence, shutup. Of course I'm coming over, I love spending time with you." Kyla hears this, and looks at me cutely. I flip her the bird.

"Am I too needy?"

"Yes."

"Ash!"

"Well, it's understandable. That you would cling to me." I sound cocky.

"Is it?"

"Yeah." I lower my voice, falling behind Kyla. "And I like you when you're all needy - I like being needed."

"I always need you, Ash."

Kyla turns around and gestures for me to catch up. "I know. I'll be there in a sec."

"No one's home..."

Okay, half a sec. I drop Kyla off and head to Spencer's, letting myself in. I carry my bag of clothes up to Spencer's room, setting them on the bed.

I give her a hug and a kiss on the head. "How you feel?"

"Great."

I smile. "Good, because I have something for you."

"What?" She asks excitedly.

"Fashion show!" I hold the bag up.

She looks a little uncertain for a second, then I give her a wink and head into the bathroom, undressing as quickly as I can and pulling on a halter and skirt combo.

I traipse back into Spencer's room, showing off my outfit.

"You look amazing, Ash."

I know she means it. "Isn't this top awesome?"

She nods. "You'll have to let me borrow it."

"If you think you can pull it off." I tell her with a wink, then I'm back in the bathroom, throwing on a jacket that I had to have, but probably looks ridiculous.

I strut into Spencer's room dramatically, head up and shoulders straight, like a runway model. She giggles.

"You look like an eskimo."

"But a sexy eskimo, right?" I strike an exaggerated pose.

"If there's such a thing, that would undoubtedly be it."

I wiggle my eyebrows at her. "I think you'll like this next one." I pull off the jacket before I'm out the door. In the bathroom, I put on my string bikini, checking myself out in the mirror first.

I hop into Spencer's room, and her eyes scan my body immediately. I like the feeling. She likes what she sees - I've still got it.

"Great for tanning." I spin around.

Spencer nods. "You look hot."

I laugh. "Thanks for your honesty."

"You've lost weight."

I shrug, coming to sit next to her on the bed. "Eh. I've been running around a lot lately - it's better than a diet."

"We should order a pizza." She suggests.

"Are you trying to fatten me up?"

She licks her lips. "All the better to eat you."

My jaw drops. "Spencer Carlin. That was dirty."

Spencer laughs. "I blame you. My Mom's right - you're a bad influence."

"Your favorite influence." I tell her, getting up to grab my phone. "Papa John's?"

"The works." She nods, confident I know what that means. I learned all of Spencer's favorites long ago, committed them to memory.

"Got it." I put the phone to my ear, heading out of the room to order and change my clothes back.

"Ash?"

I turn around.

"Keep the bikini on."

Oh yeah. Still got it.


	18. I Know What My Heart is Like

"From fairest creatures we desire increase, that...thereby? Beauty's rose might never die." I peer at the words on the page, while Spencer looks on, amused. "...feed'st they light'st flame with self substantial fuel?"

"Ashley, the poem's not a question."

"I can't make any sense of this."

"It's Shakespeare's first sonnet!"

I close the book. "Since when are you into poetry?" Weeks have gone by, and apparently, she's resorted to reading.

"Since I realized this book was the only one I owned." She says, chagrined. "I'm tired of TV."

I shrug, settling further into the deep groove I've worked into the chair. I've spent many a day in this chair over the past weeks, talking to Spencer about everything under the sun.

"TV is enjoyable. If it doesn't make sense, it can atleast look good. Poetry is overrated."

"You're not very good at reading it." She admits.

"But this?" I point at my face. "Atleast I make it look good."

She rolls her eyes grandly. "You're so vain."

"I probably think this song is about me?"

Spencer shakes her head and goes to move off the bed. "I gotta pee."

"Thanks for sharing." I tell her, standing up and holding out my hand.

"I think I got it."

"You sure?"

She nods, wincing as she slides off the bed and stands up hesitantly. "Be right back."

I sigh, flopping back on her bed. I grab her pillow and hold it over my face, breathing in her scent. I feel obsessive for a minute, then I remember that it is Spencer, and of course I'm obsessed, because how could I not be?

I hear the door open. "Spencer, did anyone ever tell you you smell kind of like vanilla? Just naturally?"

I throw the pillow off my face, turning towards the door. Paula's smirking at me. "No, I've always been more of a chocolate girl."

I don't have a witty response.

"Where's Spencer?"

"Nature calls." I grumble, sliding my legs over the side of the bed.

"You let her go alone?" Paula says, worry clouding her face.

"I could have held her hand, but you know, she didn't want me to see her butt."

Paula glares at me, and then strides down the hall to knock on the bathroom door. "You okay, honey?"

I don't hear Spencer's response, but I'm sure it was to the positive, because Paula steps back into the room. "Doesn't your Mother ever wonder where you are?"

"Don't you ever get tired of asking me that?"

She raises an eyebrow. "I think you know where I stand when it comes to you, Ashley - "

"Far away?"

She ignores this. "But I want to thank you for helping out with Spencer. It's obvious she's making a speedy recovery and I think we owe a lot of it to you."

I feel like smiling despite my self, but I'm really taken aback by her kindness. It seems genuine. "Sure, Paula."

"But I think I can take it from here."

Of course. "Um..."

"You don't have to be around anymore to try and prove anything..."

I frown at her. "What are you getting at, Paula?"

"I know you feel guilty, Ashley. But you don't have to sit at Spencer's side everyday, we get it." Paula crosses her arms, looking proud of herself.

"I don't know what you think I'm doing here every day, but I think only a very stupid person couldn't see that I love your daughter very, very much." I say slowly, carefully not mincing my words.

Paula considers my response. "I believe she dumped you, Ashley." The smirk is showing through her neutral smile, and I glower at her.

"I believe." I mock her tone of delivery, standing up. "That Spencer could kick me in the throat and I'd still be here, every single day."

"The throat, huh?" Paula looks unimpressed, but I can tell I've got her a little stumped. Atleast for now.

"Several times." I clarify.

"Hm." Paula turns around to leave without another word, but almost runs smack into Spencer.

"Mom!"

"I'm so sorry, sweetie!" Paula says in a hurry. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, but...um, I'm fine." Spencer says, and then I see Paula guide her gently back into the room. Spencer takes her arm back.

"Got it, Mom." She takes the last few feet into the room without assistance, sitting on her bed.

Paula exits the room with one last subtle glance my way. "Your Mom has a crush on me." I tell Spencer, very seriously.

"What?" She asks, sitting down carefully.

"You know how they always say when someone's mean to you, they like you? Boys dipping girl's pigtails in ink and stuff?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, she's got the total hots."

"That's your answer to everything."

"And it's usually right." I say, grinning at Spencer.

"Wanna help me with something?"

"A bath?" I say suggestively.

She looks like she's considering it, then shakes her head. "Breathing exercises." She bits her lips. "They're always easier when you're there. My Mom usually does them with me, but she's so pushy."

Spencer has to do breathing exercises each day to help heal her broken ribs. "I'm down."

I come and sit in front of her on the bed, putting her hands on my shoulder.

"Ready?" She asks.

"Born ready, baby."

"I bet you were." She smiles, then closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. I can tell this hurts a little, but that's what the therapy calls for.

I caress her shoulders gently. "Now out." She lets it out slowly. "Hurt?"

She just nods, keeping her eyes closes. "In..." I watch the features of her face change with every breath. "Out." She's beautiful.

She reaches up and places her hands over my own on her shoulders, and takes another deep breathe. "Hold it this time." I advise. I reach out and brush my lips against the tip of her nose. "Now out." She smiles, letting her breath out.

"Small breath this time." I tell her gently, hoping my words soothe her. I know they do, and as the therapy progresses, her wince is replaced with a serene look.

I punctuate every few breaths with a quick kiss to her forehead, or her nose, or her chin. Any skin I can see is fair game.

Eventually, she opens her eyes again and I drop my arms from her shoulders, wiping hair out of her face. She looks relaxed.

"You okay?" I whisper.

She nods, eyes glittering, and then leans forward and kisses me softly on the lips.

This time, I'm a little breatheless.

"What are you doing to me, Spence?" I ask softly, not really caring for an answer. It was more of a statement, anyways.

"I really like these breathing exercises." She says, then giggles.

I can't help it. I giggle, too.

"Does this mean we can kiss again, like all the time?" I ask hopefully, after a few seconds of chuckles.

She shrugs.

"Because your Mom was like, totally making fun of me. 'Cause you dumped me." I say, pouting out my lip.

She reaches out and grabs my lip, tugging on it. "I didn't dump you. I just...I didn't need a girlfriend. I needed my best friend, Ashley."

"I felt dumped."

"You're not my girlfriend, but you're still my everything."

"Mean it?"

"Well..." She looks ready to say more, then leans forward and kisses me again. "I'm so in love with you."

My insides tingle with anticipation. Anticipation of I don't know what, but I'm sure it's going to be great. "The feeling's mutual."

"Sweetheart." The words barely escape her lips, but they smother me.

I love it.


	19. Some Foreign Candle Burning In Your Eyes

Knock knock.

Glen answers the door, rolling his eyes. "Of course. I don't even know why you bother knocking anymore."

"To be polite." I tell him breezily, at which he just laughs. Glen Carlin mellowed out isn't that bad of a guy. Arthur's got his feet propped up on the table in the living room, shelling pistachios.

"Pistachio?" He offers.

"Oh, no thanks, Mr. C, I think - "

"Spencer's s in the shower." He pops one into his mouth and winks at me. "You've got time."

Showering with a few fractured ribs is no small ordeal, so I make myself at home on the opposite end of the couch. Glen flops down in the middle with a smirk, grabbing a handful of nuts.

"Here." He hands me one. "Eat that and shaddup."

I pretend-glare at him, then turn my attention to the small pistachio in my hand. "I've never had one of these."

Glen stuffs his face with an inhuman amount of them. "Like this." He grabs it from my hand and peels away the shell, handing it back.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." I chastise him, which makes him open his mouth wider.

I cringe, then take a small bite. "Not bad." I say, chewing it.

Mr. C offers me the bowl and I take a few, making sure to thank him. "What are these called again?"

"Pistachio." Mr. C says. "Possibly my favorite nut."

Glen bursts out laughing at this, and Mr. C looks at me, bewildered. "Did I say something funny?" He asks, with a hint of a smile.

"Some people have no tact." I say in a dignified manner, turning my nose up at Glen. Mr. Carlin chuckles.

"But he said...his favorite - " Glen lets his own laughter dies down as I shake my head at him.

"Gay jokes! How original." I say, though it doesn't really bother me.

Mr. C tosses a nut at Glen's head. "Watch it!" Glen wipes his hair. "I spent several minutes in front of the mirror this morning."

"I don't doubt it." I flick another at him, and Mr. C looks on, amused.

"Dad!" Glen says, annoyed, and reaches for some ammo, but Mr. C pulls the bowl away.

"You've brought this on yourself, son."

Glen glares at me, and picks up the pistachio I threw, popping it into his mouth. "Whatever."

Mr. C and I share a laugh, and then I hear Paula bound down the stair's.

"Spencer is spic and span."

"Awesome." I jump to my feet, and can see Paula didn't expect me to be there.

"Well, hi, Ashley. Didn't see you there."

"You wouldn't; you were upstairs." I say pleasantly, heading to the stairs. "Thanks for the pistachios, Mr. C."

"Not a problem!"

"We'll settle this later!" Glen hollers after me. Ha.

Spencer is sitting in front of her mirror, brushing her hair carefully.

I walk up behind her, gently wrapping my arms around her and kissing her on the neck. I see her smile in the mirror. "Let me do that." I murmur, taking the brush from her hand.

"Did you have a nice shower?" I ask, running the brush through her hair.

She shrugs. "It was okay."

"Are you fresh and revitalized?"

She grins. "You sound like a shampoo bottle."

I laugh at her. "Have you eaten anything yet today?"

"Nope. Why?"

"I was wondering." I set the brush down and put my chin on her head, looking at her in the mirror. "Maybe I could bring us some chinese or something."

"You don't have to."

"Aw, but I like to." I say, giving her my best puppy dog look.

Spencer's eyes sparkle when she smiles, and I head over to her closet, throwing it open. "Let's get you dressed. What do you want - hot pink blouse? Tank top? You could totally rock some sweat pants."

Spencer looks down at her robe, tugging it to her chest. "Uhhh. Just some shorts and a beater."

I take them off the hangers for her, setting them on her bed. Then I offer her my hand. She looks at it hesitantly. "Usually my Mom helps me get dressed."

"I'll be careful." I say, steadying her with my hand. Like showering, it's hard to get dressed with fractured ribs. I get closer to her, centimeter away from her lips. "I'd never hurt you."

She looks away.

I step back, sensing something's wrong. "Sorry - "

"It's not you. It's...it's me." She's still holding the top of her robe closed.

"Spence..." I try to smile. "I've seen you naked before, you know. I mean, you're hot, but it's nothing I can't handle."

"No, I know. It's just..." She walks over to the side of her bed, trailing off. "Some of the bandages came off today and...uh.."

I frown while she speaks, not understanding.

"It's really, well..." She bites her lip, fondling her shirt. "It's not attractive." She tries to laugh, but I can tell it's bothering her a great deal.

My heart falls. "Oh - Spencer. I couldn't care less..." But my voice is small, and weak. I don't know why.

She clears her throat. "There's a lot of, ah, bruising and it's really...Well, it's kind of a mess."

I reach out to touch her hand, the one clamping her robe closed. "I'm sure it doesn't look that bad."

She jerks away, and I bring my hand back immediately, startled. "Spence, really, I don't care."

"I do." She says, unmistakable embarassment in her tone. I almost wince. "So, uh, turn around."

I look at her like I can't believe her, like she's kidding.

"Turn around, Ashley." Her voice is resigned.

I tense immediately, facing the wall. I feel something I can't quite place, but I'm glad I don't have to face her. I'm listening to her fumble around with her clothes. Several times I want to turn around and help her on instinct, listening to her struggle, but she stops me with a sharp tone.

"I'm done."

When I finally do look at her, she's sitting on her bed, dressed, and redfaced from exertion. I stand where I am.

"Come sit next to me, stupid."

I sit down on her bed, looking everywhere but at her face.

"Ash."

I look at her. Her eyes flash.

"Can I have a kiss?"

I lick my lips and press them into hers, softly at first, but before I know it my hands are in her hair.

We're kissing hard, now, and I'm being gentle with her, sitting up perfectly straight and never applying too much pressure. There's almost an agression in our kiss, something I can't quite put my finger on.

When we break away, we're both gasping for a breath, eyes straight ahead. Her hand finds mine.

"You'll show me one day?" I break the silence.

"I will."

We leave it at that.


	20. Those Dreaded Words Slip From Your Lips

"You good?"

Spencer nods, watching the trees blow in the slight wind.

"The sun isn't hitting your pasty skin too violently?" I ask.

Spencer's eyes are lost in the sky.

"Spence."

"Hm?" She looks at me.

"I just made fun of you. Admonish me so I can say something cute."

"Don't call me pasty?"

I squint in the sun. "It's okay, 'cause I like my women like I like my coffee."

"With a spoon in them?"

"Sugary and far too milky looking." I beam at her.

She laughs. "That wasn't that cute."

"Aw, I try so hard, though." I put my hand on her knee, scooting closer. She just sighs, leaning into me and peering out across her front yard.

Spencer has to make a trip today, back to the hospital, of all places. From what I've heard, it's just a regular check up, but for her, it's a big thing. She hasn't been outside in weeks, and I can tell she's enjoying just sitting on the front porch, catching some sun. I enjoy watching her enjoy herself.

"Almost ready to go, honey." Paula whips past us, doing God knows what. That woman is always running around.

Spencer rolls her neck lazily. "It's so nice outside."

"It is."

"Real nice." She closes her eyes, taking in sun. I reach out and trace my fingers down up and down her neck.

"Almost as nice as you."

She pops one eye open to look at me. "Are you buttering me up?"

"I didn't think I had to. I thought you came pre-buttered." I bat my eyelashes, and she can't contain her laughter.

"You're on a roll today, aren't you?"

I just nod happily.

She takes a deep breath. "And it's smells so good out here."

"We should come out here more often. Maybe at night." I lay my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes. "Sit on the swing. The nights are hot, you know. I bet we could sleep out there."

Spencer makes a sound that tell me she likes that idea, but then says, "I don't think my Mom would go for that."

"Oh, boo hoo for her then." I say, smelling Spencer's scent. "We'll sneak out. It's okay, I'll keep you safe. It's what I'm good at."

Spencer moves her head to graze her lips against my forehead. I can tell she's smiling. "You do excel at making me feel - "

"Time to go." Paula's voice interrupts us from behind. In the past, Spencer and I would have jumped apart. But now, jumping in Spencer's vicinity isn't a very good idea. So we linger for a second as Paula stares down at us, and I feel Spencer press a kiss into my forehead.

This makes me very happy, then I stand up slowly and grab Spencer's hand, pulling her up.

I hear Paula jingle her keys impatiently. "I take it Ashley will be accompanying us on our trip to the doctor?"

"Aw, you know how I hate to spoil your day, Paula, but I think I'm sitting this one out." I tell her, trying to sound the perfect amount of apologetic and sarcastic.

Instead of glaring, Paula just sends me a tiny smile. "Well, you're always appreciated."

The she's off, back into the house.

I turn to Spencer, surprised. "She kinda smiled."

"I know."

"She was kinda nice."

Spencer's lips curl into a smile at my confused look. "I know."

Realization dawns on me. "Did you...say something or something?"

"Or something."

"Or something?"

"She was being so mean to you." Spencer says distastefully. "I didn't like it, and I'll never stand for anyone being mean to you when you're so sweet to me."

My heart swells. "What'd you say?"

Spencer smirks, grabbing my pink finger and brining my hand up to play with it. "I told her that the meaner she was to you, she more she was pushing me into your arms." Spencer laughs at this. Some joke.

I ponder this for a second. "You actually said that?"

"Yep."

"Like, as a joke or something?" I thought Spencer was already _in_ my arms. No pushing needed.

Spencer thinks about it. "I don't know...but she's being nicer to you, so what's it matter?"

I connect the dots in my head, taking my hand away from Spencer. "She's only being nice to me because...because she thinks we're not getting back together?"

Spencer bites her lip. "I guess. When you put it like that..."

"You did put it like that."

She looks at me funny, then grabs my hand for reassurance. "Well, we are only friends."

"Then give my hand back." I tug it away from her.

"Stop being stupid." She mumbles, then makes a play for my hand again. I, however, need time to think without Spencer touching me. Just for a second.

"No." I lock my hands behind my back. "You can't have it."

Spencer narrows her eyes. "Give me that hand."

I shake my head.

There's a beat of silence, but it's just enough.

"You're never getting back together with me!" I accuse, blurting it out.

Spencer's eyes widen. "Ashley - "

"I mean, you can't keep kissing me and stuff and then tell your family we're just BFFs!"

"I'm - I'm not."

"That's exactly what you're doing!"

"You are my best friend, and I kiss you because I like it." Spencer says calmly, evenly.

"You can't have your Ashley cake and eat it, too, Spence!"

"You never minded before."

I think about this. It sounds perfectly reasonable. But Spencer, with just a few offhanded words, has put a fear in me that's never been there before: that possibly, there isn't a future for Spencer and Ashley, the girlfriends. Not Spencer and Ashley, the friends who kiss sometimes and can't sort out their issues.

"Why is this such a huge deal?" Spencer asks evenly.

"It's because I thought..." I choose my words carefully. "I never thought it was a question."

"What was a question?"

I swallow hard. "That we would get back together."

"We are together, Ash." Spencer insists, putting one hand on the railing. She doesn't like this conversation.

My mind's racing a mile a minute. "I thought we were broken up."

"We're on a break." Spencer reiterates, sounding irritated and bordering on hurt.

"I thought we were together!"

"You're talking in circles."

"Well, tell me what's going on!"

"Calm down."

"I am calm! I'm very calm!"

"You don't sound calm."

"I was born calm!"

"Ashley." Her tone quiets me down. "What is wrong with you?"

"You're not taking me seriously. I mean, you're kind of freaking me out, Spence." I tell her, honestly. Insecurity is coming out of my pores, very suddenly. "What's going on with us?"

"I told you I needed time, Ashley."

"I gave you time. I mean, I'll still give you time. But I just need...I don't know. Hope?" I say desperately, hoping this makes sense to her.

"So, I can have all the time I want, but only after I tell you what my decision is?"

"It's a decision?"

"What?" She demands, exasperated.

"Us. We're a decision, now? Some decision you have to deliberate over?"

Her mouth struggles to work, and she seems to know she's fighting a losing battle. "I...I told you all this."

"I thought you were just making me wait. Punishing me for...whatever. And I've been here. I've been here every single day, Spencer. And now I'm just a decision you have to make, maybe, sometime in the future." I'm ranting. Saying things I hardly knew I was thinking until they tumbled out of my mouth.

She looks at me like I'm crazy. "You told me you weren't waiting for anything."

"It didn't feel like I was waiting." I tell her lightly. "I thought we were...on pause. But you've hit stop."

Spencer looks a little stricken by my words. "I didn't." She tries to say, but I shake my head. "I told you..."

"I, uh..." I lick my lips. "I'm kind of heartbroken right now, I think."

"Oh, Ash..." She reaches out to stroke my arm and I take one deliberate step back.

I steel myself. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Be my girlfriend." I say bluntly, emotion evident in my voice. "Be my girlfriend again." I see myself in my own mind, asking Spencer for a kiss, during one of those first nights in the hospital. She had a look on her face then, and she has the same one, now.

"I can't." She whispers, but she might as well have screamed it. "I thought you understood."

A million old wounds are ripped open, for both of us, I know.

"Crap." I clench my jaw, then try to remember what even started this conversation. This horrible, awful conversation.

"You ready?"

Spencer squeezes her eyes shut at Paula's terrible timing as she looms up from behind. "Mom - "

"I was just leaving." I say, voice cracking. I curse myself for it, and Paula looks only a tiny bit concerned as I give Spencer a wounded, helpless look.

Then, I leave.


	21. Around Here, We Always Stand Up Straight

"You're an idiot."

I stare at Kyla, sitting on the couch next to me.

"She was acting like she didn't want to get back together with me." I lament

"Maybe she doesn't." Kyla says easily.

I grind my teeth. "Not helping."

"Doesn't sound like you're helping much, either." She sounds flippant. She clearly does not understand the enormity of the situation.

"It's like, she just forgot about me. Like I'm not with her all the time, giving her all I've freakin' got, and she can't bother to pretend I've got a chance."

Kyla sighs. "Do you think you've got a chance?"

"I didn't think it was a question of chances!" I explode.

"Oh. So she's just supposed to take you back, 'cause you're Ashley, and you're just that great?"

"It's complicated." Apparently, Kyla doesn't get it. I put a pillow over my face.

"So, uncomplicate it."

"You don't get it. With me and Spencer, there are, like, uspoken things." I remove the pillow. "Things we don't need to say."

"And?" Kyla grabs the pillow, propping her head up with it.

"And this time, the unspoken thing was 'We're definitely getting back together. I just need time.'"

Kyla gives me a puzzled look. "Call me crazy, but isn't that exactly what Spencer said? Like, outloud? Today?"

"No. What she said was, "We might not be getting back together. I need time to decide.' Two very different things."

She considers this. "I think you're going crazy."

"I think I went crazy a long time ago." I squeeze my hands against my face. "I've never felt actual stress in my life. It feels awful."

Kyla laughs glumly. "Just tell Spencer you're sorry."

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I want her to tell me she's sorry. And I know how incredibly selfish that sounds, because she has so much going on..."

"Well, atleast you know you sound selfish." She says dryly. I groan.

"I'm an awful person." I say. "She doesn't love me anymore."

"You're throwing yourself a pity party." Kyla chirps. "Just because she's going through a lot right now, doesn't mean she doesn't love you."

"I know! I know everything you're saying is right, but..." I let out a long breath. "Atleast tell me I make sense. Can you just tell me that."

"You make sense, sis." She pats my leg. I appreciate it. "And I think Spencer's just giving you a taste of your own medicine."

I sit up. "What do you mean?"

She just looks at me wryly. "Just talk to her, Ashley. You know you don't want to be fighting with her."

Truer words were never spoken. Which is why I find myself on the Carlin's front porch swing, minutes later, waiting for Spencer and Paula to arrive. I'm torn between feeling righteous, hurt, and incredibly stupid.

It's a strange combination. It got me to thinking. What if Spencer and I were never meant to be? We were friends first, anyways. Great friends. What if that's all we were supposed to become? The best of friends. On one hand, I could never say no to her. Despite my pathetic display of insecurity today, I'd be there for Spencer in any way she allowed me to.

On the other hand, I feel like vomiting when I think about any alternative scenario that doesn't involve my lips on hers. Her lips on someone else's? I'd kill them.

I see the van pull up into the driveway. I stand on instinct, rushing out to the car.

Paula hops out, giving me a look. "Ashley. How long have you been there?"

"Not long." I say. I point to the passenger side. "I just wanna talk to Spencer."

Paula nods, "Of course. Why don't you walk her around a bit?" I force a smile, appreciatively. Building bridges. Soon, she's in the house.

I open Spencer's door for her.

"You came back." She doesn't sound impressed.

"Of course I did, dummy." I offer her my hand as she gets out of the car, and then lace them both firmly together.

She gives me a quizzical look.

"Wanna take a walk?" I ask. She just nods. "A short one, I know you get tired..."

We amble slowly down the sidewalk, swinging our clasped hands between us gently. This is the place we go back to, each time. We can fight, we can yell, but somehow, we always can find each other again and manage a smile.

"I'm sorry I suck." I finally say.

Spencer gives a short laugh. "Are you really, now?"

"C'mon, Spence. I mean it. I'm just kinda frazzled lately." I tell her softly.

She nods, understanding. "I know. Trust me."

"Yeah. And I'm sorry for freaking out like that. It's just..I don't know. It's hard. To think that maybe..."

"Maybe you're not what I want?" Spencer finishes.

"Maybe."

"Like, maybe I thought the decision between you and...something else was far too hard to make? And that surprised and hurt you?"

It's like she's taking the words out of my mouth. "Yeah." I say, my voice small.

"Like...prom night?" Her voice is smaller, and her hand clenches mine. Kyla's words ring in my ears: A taste of my own medicine.

I look at Spencer. "Sorry." I say, probably only just now fully understanding what I put her through.

Her gaze is penetrating, and I stare right back. "Yeah."

I feel the need to speak. "Listen - I don't want you to think it's all or nothing with me, you know?" I say. "Any choice you make, I don't even care. I'm with you one hundred percent because I..I trust you. And I love you."

Spencer's smile flickers on. "Look at you, saying all the right things."

We walk on for a while, in silence, then Spencer speaks up. "It's not a decision, you know."

"Hm?"

"Between having you and not having you? Being as close to you as I can be, or just having you as a friend?" She sandwiches my hand between both of hers, staring at it. "Not something I have to think about for a second."

"Not even a second?"

"Not even. I just..." She shrugs, sighing, peering out across the streets. Her neighborhood. "It's strange. I'm just beginning to feel whole again. Not even all the way - and when I give myself back to you, I want to be all put back together. So we can be perfect."

I understand. It'll take time. And we'll never be perfect, and we'll never be like before, but we can be better. And stronger.

I lean over and kiss Spencer on the cheek. "I love you, Spence."

She smiles. "I love you, too." Then she takes a deep breath. "We should take more walks. I really like this."

"Yep. Just me, you and the road, baby. Nothing better."

"It is kinda hot, though." Spencer points out, nudging me. "Next time, we should bring umbrellas."

"I believe the correct word is parasol, dear."

"Parasol?" Spencer makes an impressed face. "How fancy. I didn't know you - "

Before she can finish her sentence, there's a loud banging sound. I tense up immediately, feeling Spencer clutch my hand hard enough to hurt.

A car had backfired, just right next to us. Loud enough to scare me. I look at Spencer and all the color's drained from her face.

"It's just a car that backfired, Spence." I tell her reassuringly. Her grip on my hand doesn't let up, and her eyes dart around.

"Uh, uh..." She mumbles, lips pressed into a thin line.

"We're okay, Spencer." I try to soothe her. "You're okay."

She looks at me, and then I can feel her hand shaking. I reach out to stroke her hair. "You're afraid."

She nods. "Can we go home?" She squeaks, sounding terrified. My heart pangs.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go."

We take hurried steps, and Spencer's breathing irregularly. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just...crap." She squeezes her fingers together, taking deep breaths. She's panicking.

"Spencer." My voice is firm, calm. "Look at me."

She does. I can see it in her eyes, all her fear.

"You're gonna be okay, 'kay?" I squeeze her hand, matching the tenacity with which she's gripping mine. "Because I wouldn't let anything happen to you."

"Right."

"And I'm right here."

"Yeah."

"Feel my hand?" She nods. "Feel me squeezing? Feel that?" I wrap my arm around her, caressing her gently. I can feel her shakes subsiding. "As long as you're okay, I'm okay."

She's watching me, slowly calming down.

"And I'm perfectly fine." I tell her. "So you must be..."

"I'm okay." She's nodding now, and her eyes are still flashing, but her grip is lessening.

I give her a concerned look. "Okay?"

"Okay." She smiles weakly. I let out a sigh of relief, not letting her notice. I hate whoever had that gun that night. I hate them for what they're doing to her. "I just..I get so freaked out sometimes, ya know?" She's trying to laugh at it, but it bothers her.

"Well..." I search for words. "Anytime you're afraid, you just reach over and grab this." I gesture to our hands.

"What if you're not there?"

"Speed dial." I kiss her hand.

I know I don't have to tell her she can't call anytime.


	22. Coming Back In From Nowhere

"Wanna go to the beach tomorrow?"

"Can't." I grab for the bowl on the table.

Kyla tosses a piece of popcorn into her mouth. "Why?"

"Hanging out with Spencer." I chew noisily.

"Hanging out with Spencer." My Mother echoes from the kitchen, cocking an eyebrow.

"What of it?" I demand, not liking her tone.

She simply shrugs.

"Aren't you on your wait out?" I narrow my eyes at her.

My Mother sips her martini. "Ooh. Too strong." She shuffles across the linoleum, heels clicking, and hands it to Kyla. "Finish this, dear."

Kyla looks at the glass in her hand, then at me, looking entertained. "Uh, sure."

She whips past me, pinching my cheek. "There are things in life other than Spencer, honey." Then she's out the door before I can say anything.

"She's such a witch." I tell Kyla, who's still peering at the martini in her hand. I grab it, taking a drink. "And she's totally trying to poison you - that's like, 90 percent pure grain alcohol, I'm sure." I make a face, feeling a burning in my throat.

"If I get you drunk enough, will you hang out with me?" Kyla gestures to the glass hopefully.

I laugh out loud, setting the drink down carefully on the table. "I don't think Spencer would like it if I stumbled in drunk."

"Then stumble in hungover - tomorrow."

"I can't do that."

"Lame!"

I sigh. "I can't. I'm - "

"On call?" Kyla says.

"Exactly. Not that I mind." I lower my voice. "Spencer's been having nightmares lately. Like, waking up screaming nightmares."

Kyla looks sympathetic. "Whoa."

"Yeah." I say. "She called me the other night, because she had a dream she died." I had to calm her down. Not a good night.

"You can't be there for her every second." Kyla tells me gently.

"I know." And I do. "But I can try."

Kyla nods, and I know she agrees with me. She knows how I feel about Spencer. "I'm so lonely." She pouts. "It's just me and my popcorn."

"Oh, come on."

She glumly chews a single piece. "It's true."

"You know who you should call?" I say, almost proud of myself for the idea.

"Who?"

"Madison." I tell her, stifling a laugh.

She gasps. "Madison! She'd totally be up for it."

"Totally." I shrug. "Well, if you can put up with her."

Kyla whips out her cell phone. "I can put up with you, I can put up with anything."

I stick my tongue out at her. She babbles to Madison on the phone for a few seconds. Of course Madison's up for a party. That girl's up for anything.

Kyla's running around like a freak, getting ready. I'm on her bed, and really, it's pretty comfortable. I fall asleep before Kyla gets the chance to say goodbye.

"Ahhh!" I'm shaken out of my slumber by Kyla jumping on the bed. Madison's behind her, laughing up a storm.

"Wake up, Ash." Kyla taps my forehead. It's barely dark outside, but they're both tipsy.

"You two are so juvenile." I sit up, wiping my eyes. "And you let Madison in my house."

Madison tries to glare, but it just fades into a grin and a laugh. "Shutup, Ashley." That's the best she can do.

"We're gonna go out again!" Kyla's telling me. "I thought you'd be at Spencer's, but you're here! So...let's go out!"

I glance at the clock. "I should actually go over there..."

Madison groands, but then feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pull it out and glance at the caller ID. The Carlin house phone.

Strange. Spencer always calls me on her cell. "Hello?"

"Ashley?" Clay's voice is a little shaky, and my heart leaps to my throat.

"Clay? What's up?" Kyla looks at me, worried by my tone.

"It's Spencer, she...well, she - "

"What happened?" Kyla puts her hand on my arm, concerned. I see Madison frown.

"She fell down." My stomach plummets. "She just fell down in the bathroom."

"Oh, God. Is she okay?"

"What happened?" Madison demands, and I shush her with a wave of my hand.

"She's fine. She's just a little worse for the wear and pretty shaken up."

I stand up immediately. "I'm coming over." I flip the phone shut, throwing it on the bed.

"What happened?" Madison asks again, anxious. I brush past her.

"Spencer fell down. I have to get over there."

"She fell down?" Kyla asks, following me. Madison follows her.

"She's okay, but..." I don't finish, taking the stairs two at a time.

"We're going." Kyla declares.

"No. No." I hit the floor, fumbling for my keys off the dresser. "I'll let you know..."

"You're not wearing shoes!" Madison calls after me, but the door's already closed behind me.

Once I'm there, not having counting how many traffic laws I broke, I park on the wrong side of the street and jog up the Carlin walkway. I push the door open.

"Where's Spencer?" I'm out of breath.

Glen Carlin's holding a piece of pizza, looking caught off guard. He looks me up and down. "You're in your pajamas."

"Where's Spencer?"

"She's not here yet."

"Where is she?"

"Clay and Dad are bringing her home."

She's at the hospital. Damn. I turn around, heading for the door. Glen hustles to grab my shoulder. "Ashley, chill." I look at him. "She's fine. She'll be home in a sec. Have some pizza." He leads me over to the couch.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I ask lightly, after he's shoved the second piece of pizza in his face.

"You should see yourself." He says through a mouthful of mushy food. "You should lighten up. Did you even brush your hair before you ran over here?"

I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut. Before I can answer him, I see headlights pour through the window; the Carlins arriving home. I stand up, ready to bolt outside.

Glen pulls me down again. "Ash, chill! Jeez. She's coming in."

I sit down, not believing I'm taking lessons in staying calm from Glen Carlin. He goes over to the door and pulls it open, and I watch in silence as Arthur helps Spencer shuffle into the house. She's still wearing her hospital bracelet, and there's an already forming bruise on her jawline.

She sees me as soon as she enters the house, and makes a beeline for the couch I'm sitting on. I feel like crying, and I'm not quite sure why. She looks so frail, all bundled up. Arthur sets her down on the couch, careful to not hurt her. She takes my hand in hers without a word, and we both know what this means. Her fingers lace through my own.

Glen, Clay and Arthur look at each other, then excuse themselves for pizza in the dining room.

"Hey." I say, gently, like I'm afraid the sound vibrations bouncing around might hurt her.

She sighs a long sigh, wincing a little. I bit the inside of my lip, hating that she's in pain.

"What happened?"

"Bathroom floor was wet." She says glumly.

"Do you hurt?"

She just nods.

"Is it - "

"I don't wanna talk about it." She looks at me, a reserved, sad look on her face. I guess it hasn't been her best day. I squeeze her hand, and she tightens her grip, impossibly hard.

"I'm sorry."

"You were here when I got back." Spencer offers the tiniest of smiles, not even with her lips, but her eyes. "Like magic."

"That's me. Magic Ashley." I say, worry still radiating throughout my body. I think she can tell.

"Don't worry."

"I can't help it." I say sincerely, a look of complete devotion on my face. I can feel it stuck on my features.

"I know." She says gently. She's clinging to my hand, but putting on an amazing front of bravery. But when she looks at me, I can tell just by the way her eyebrows crease. She's afraid. "Spend the night?"

I nod my head up and down several times. "Yeah. Yeah. I can do that." I can definitely do that.

This seems to calm her, if only a little bit. "You came prepared." She glances down at my outfit. Froggy pajamas and white tee.

"Yeah, I came kinda...spur of the moment."

She runs her hand through my hair. "Bed head."

"Real spur of the moment."

Spencer chuckles a little, and I think it's the most laughing she can do at the moment.

It's enough.


	23. Choose Love Or Sympathy, But Never Both

(a/n) Gonna attempt to wrap this story up before the actual season starts. Here's to August 10th.

--

I roll over to face Spencer, yawning. A full night's sleep, something I always get when staying the night with Spencer. In her bed. Nothing ever happens, but just feeling her breathing beside me is enough.

Ever since that night Spencer fell in her bathroom, she wants me around more and more. More than usual, which is tons.

Not that I mind, of course.

Spencer's still sleeping. I think about padding downstairs and stealing a breakfast muffin, but I can hear Paula rustling around. Not that she's been mean to me lately or anything, strangely nice. Especially considering the fact that I've been sleeping in her daughter's bed most nights of the week for a while.

I think everyone's just tiptoeing around Spencer lately, being very careful about her feelings. And, by association, mine. She's been in strange moods.

I shift in bed, trying not to wake her, but she pops an eye open. "Morning."

"Early morning." I glance at the clock. "How'd you sleep?" Spencer sometimes can't get a wink. She tells me these are the nights I am not there.

"Like a baby." She says, rubbing her eyes. I watch her. She's adorable in the morning.

"Good."

She gives me a sleepy grin. "Wanna do something later?"

Usually this means a short walk, or me pushing her on the outside swing. Maybe a movie, maybe a short trek to the arcade down the street to play their archaic Pac Man machine. Nothing special.

No, I take that back. It's very special.

I brush hair out of her eyes. "I think...we can do anything you want." I tell her.

"Anything?"

"Anything. Except, I told Kyla I'd have brunch with her today." I make a face. "Her, and Madison. So, anything after that."

"You're not coming to breakfast with us?"

"What breakfast?"

"My Mom's treating us to breakfast at the wafflehouse."

"Waffles. Tempting." I say, stretching my arms back and then settling in closer to Spencer. I kiss her ear. "I can't ditch Kyla."

She makes a pouting sound. I know her sounds very well.

"Speeeence." I groan. "Don't ask me to, you know I will. I'm putty in your hands."

"I know." She admits, then she sighs. "I guess I'm too demanding."

"You are."

She levels me with a stare then reaches over to stroke her arms up and down my side. "I just like it when you're with me. I can't explain it, it's like..."

"A security blanket?" I suggest, goosebumps rising on my skin at her touch.

She thinks about this, then nods with a smile. "That's perfect. A security blanket." She squeezes my arm, "Warm, cuddly and safe."

That means I've done my job. I'm glad she thinks of me this way. "Cuddly?"

She nods. "You can scoot closer."

She's always saying this. Cuddling with Spencer is always one of my favorite things to do, but I'm terribly afraid to hurt her. Her ribs, her still fragile to the touch wound, they're easy to upset. Time heals, but well...time takes time.

I gently move a little closer, wrapping a hand around her thigh. Normally I'd wrap an arm around her waist, across her stomach. I've learned to avoid her stomach - her newly forming scars. Her fresh bruises. She doesn't ask me, but we've subconsciously found new ways to fit together.

"There." I say, and we're only a tiny bit closer.

"You can come closer." She says again.

"You have morning breath." I say lightly, kissing her on the nose.

"You don't like my morning breath?" Spencer gives me her doe eyes.

I bury my nose in her hair, inhaling deeply. "I love the way you smell in the morning." I kiss her head. "Your breath, not so much." I look down at her and grin.

"Kiss me, stupid."

Our kisses are very rare. We haven't broached the 'getting back together' topic since that day on her porch, but sometimes she'll gently remind me that we aren't together by requestion a kiss. I always oblige her.

This time isn't any different. I think she finds our spontaneous kisses reassuring. I don't tell her that I do, too.

"How's the breath?" She asks, after our barely-more-than-chaste kiss.

I let out a content sigh. "Delicious."

She likes my answer, then surprises me by leaning forward for another kiss. I take her lips once again in my own, tracing her cheek with my fingers.

Her tongue dances across mine briefly, immediately intensifying the kiss. I moan, then pull away. "Spence?"

"Hm?"

"You, uh..I mean." I blink a few times, and she just keeps staring at my lips. I take this as an invitation, pressing my lips against her.

"Kiss me harder." She whispers into my kiss. I do as I'm told, doing what I do best. I'm kissing Spencer like I want to, like I haven't in forever.

I moan at this familiar feeling, the heat. I can feel her press her palm flat against the back of my head, pushing me into her. My fingers crawl up her thigh, across her pelvis, and then I lay my hand lightly, gently, on her stomach.

I look at her, I'm not sure why.

She looks at me strangely. "Are you still not coming to breakfast?" She says, a bit out of breath.

I don't answer.

She looks down at my hand resting on her stomach. I haven't moved it. I look, too, following her gaze, then gulp.

I gather as much courage as I can muster, moving my hand to the hem of her oversized, black pajama shirt she wears to bed. I pull it up slowly, hearing Spencer's breathing hitch. Before her white skin can show, before I move enough shirt out of the way to expose her, she grabs my hand and pulls it away.

"Don't."

I look at her, trying to find her gaze, and she just looks away. I feel my face turn red, and I look away, too. She pulls her shirt right back down, smoothing out the lines.

"I can't." I say, finally.

This time, she does look at me. "What?"

"I have to meet Kyla for breakfast..." I pull up the covers, scooting off the bed.

"Right now?" She asks, watching me closely.

"Well..." I look for my jeans. "I have to shower and stuff...wash."

"Yeah." Her voice is distant as I pull my pants on. "Call me?"

"Yeah."

"Coming over later?" She asks, like I knew she would.

"I'll be back." I say, nodding, just like she knew I would. Like I know she needs me to.

"Promise?"

I don't know why she asks this, every time. I walk over to the bed and straighten out her eyebrows with my thumb. They sometimes get mussed up when she sleeps.

"Promise." I kiss her chin quickly, then step back. "Do you want me to walk you downstairs?"

"Yeah."

I get her robe, brush her hair, and get her some water. Things she's perfectly capable of doing herself, but I've gotten used to it. I like taking care of her, and I think she likes it, too. Routine.

I walk her downstairs, holding her hand, and she sees me off at the door.

Routine.


	24. Maybe I'm A Little Bit Over My Head

"Club soda?"

Kyla sets down my drink in front of me while Madison scans the club. Gray. First time in quite a while, I have to admit. Madison's drink reeks of rum, and Kyla steals a sip.

"Ah, Madison. What'd you put in that?" She asks, wiping her mouth.

"A little something something." Madison shakes her flask with a devilish grin.

"It's like, four in the afternoon." Kyla laughs.

"So?"

Kyla shrugs at this, turning to me. "What's your itinerary for the rest of the day?"

I open my mouth to speak, but Madison cuts me off. "Uh, Spencer, Spencer and more Spencer?"

I sigh. "Shutup, Madison."

She rolls her eyes, taking a ladylike chug of her drink. "I'm just sayin'."

"She's been being kinda weird lately. Distant...I dunno." I scratch my ear. "I'm thinking of making her dinner."

"Aw. That sounds cute, Ash." Kyla says. Madison makes a gagging noise.

"You are such a wench!" I glare at her.

She just laughs. "And you are whipped!"

"Spencer's not even my girlfriend!" I respond immediately.

"Then that's just sad, chica." Madison says. The girl can be nice, if she tries hard enough, and okay to hang with. But man, she can be a bitch.

Kyla clears her throat before I can say anything. "She's just trying to be a good friend."

I silently thank Kyla, then nod at Madison. "Something you were never good at."

"Oh, please." She glances around that bar. "Her."

I look to where she's pointing. "What about her?"

"Go hit on her."

I laugh. "You're insane."

"Come on." She takes a nip of her drink. "If you're not dating Spencer, and you're not whipped, then what's wrong?"

"Why do you insist on trying to ruin lives?" Kyla butts in goodnaturedly, saving Madison from whatever Hell I was about to serve her.

"I'm just trying to help the girl live!"

"You never liked me and Spencer together." I narrow my eyes at her. "You're evil."

"Ah! Water under the bridge." Madison reaches over and clinks her glass with mine.

I hide a smile. "You would be familiar with what's under bridges. Troll."

She cocks an eyebrow. "Nice."

I laugh. "I thought so."

"Let's go dance!" Kyla says, grabbing my hand.

"Whoa, there, horsey. I can't believe Spencer hasn't called me yet...I think I have to go." I glance at my watch.

"Of course she does." Madison says, getting up and polishing off the rest of her drink.

"Whatever." I grab my purse. "If you two get too crunk, call me. Don't let this one drive." I point a finger in Madison's face, and Kyla nods.

"Laters." I'm pushing my way through the club and reach my car in no time. I check my phone to make sure I have no missed calls. Nope, zero. I shrug, then make my way to Spencer's house.

I see her sitting on the front porch with her Mother when I pull up, laughing about something. I take a minute to smile at the fact that she's in good spirits, then park my car.

She says something to Paula, who nods and walks into the house. Privacy.

"Hey there, beautiful." I say, approaching her porch.

She grins. "What's up?"

"Nothing." I take the steps and sit next to her. "Just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine."

"'Cause you didn't call or anything."

"Yeah. No, perfectly fine."

I pause for a second, sensing something's up, but then just nod. "Good."

"Yep."

We swing for a while, and then I look her way. "What should we do today?"

She just shrugs. "I don't know. What were you doing before this?"

"Uhhh, hanging out with Madison and Kyla."

"Where?"

"Gray."

"Oh. You left?"

I smile at her, patting her leg. "I wanted to see you."

"Not much to see."

I nod mutely, a little put off by her tone. I don't say anything.

"You can go back if you want. I'm just sitting here."

"Spence." I laugh. "You're always just sitting here."

She looks irritated by this statement. "Well, I can't exactly run out and go to Grays, Ashley."

I'm a bit taken aback. "I know."

Spencer fumes, suddenly angry, and won't meet my gaze. "You don't have to check up on me everyday."

"I know." I say, my voice smaller now. "I like to."

Spencer sighs, like I've said something stupid. I frown. "What's wrong?" I dare to ask.

"Nothing." She snaps.

I laugh, but not a happy laugh. "Clearly, something is."

"You think you know me so well." Spencer says, turning to glare at me.

I bite my tongue, taking her statement like a punch in the gut. "I do."

She raises an eyebrow. "Maybe that's because you're here every damn day."

I stand up. "Okay, what the hell is going on? What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing."

"You're trying to pick a fight with me, Spence. Something's wrong." I try to keep calm, but it seems like she's purposefully pushing me away.

She softens the tiniest bit. "Must be cranky."

"Duh." I put my hands on my hips. "You know, you ask me to be here every day."

Her nostrils flare. "I thought you liked being here. Excuse me."

I groan. "Of course I do, Spence. I love being here. But am I annoying you or something?"

"No." She purses her lips.

"Do you want me to leave, or - "

"No."

"Then what is it? You usually aren't like this."

"Must be the medication." She says derisively, ignoring the question.

"Cut the crap, Spence."

"You know what? Maybe I do want you to leave." She goes to stand up, and I come forward, grabbing her arm and hand to help her. She jerks away. "I got it."

"Just let me - "

"I got it!"

I step away immediately. "Jesus, Spence. I know you got it."

"Then don't try to help me." She glares daggers at me. "Just stop trying to help me all the time!"

"Are you dense?" I cry. "What do you think I've been doing for the past two months? Helping you!"

"Then maybe you should just stop!" She sounds near tears, and I have no idea how this happened. I step forward, softening my voice.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? Did something say something? Did..." I shake my head, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Just tell me what's wrong?"

She sighs, pulling away from my touch. "Maybe you should just go, Ashley."

"I don't want to go."

"Ash..."

"I'm not leaving until you tell me why you're acting like a crazy person." I say firmly, though I feel anything but strong right now. I feel like she's stomping on my heart for some reason, and won't tell me a thing.

"Have fun sitting out here, then." Spencer says, uncharacteristically cruel, then slams the door.

"You're such a..." I clench my fits, staring at the closer door. I take a step forward and knock on it. Nothing. I knock again, harder.

Paula opens the door, narrowly avoiding me flinging my fist around, still knocking. "What is it, Ashley?"

"Tell Spencer to stop being mean!"

Paula looks sympathetic. "She's going through a lot right now, Ashley - "

"Sorry, but I'd like to hear this from Spencer." I interrupt. She looks beyond the door, into the living room. "Is she standing right there?" I demand, trying to peak in.

"Just tell her to go, Mom." Spencer sounds like she's crying.

My heart crumbles. "Oh, God. Is she crying? Paula, just let me in..." I beg.

Paula holds the door, looking like she hates being caught in the middle of this. "I'm sorry, Ashley."

"Paula..."

"Just...just come back later." She says in a low voice. "Her medication, she's having mood swings...I'm sorry."

"Can't you just - "

The door is closed.

I clench my jaw together. "Whatever!" I cry through the door, taking off across the lawn angrily, then throwing myself into my car.

To Gray.


	25. It's Hard To Remember How It Felt Before

"Gimme that." I take Madison's glass from her and drain it, and it burns all the way down my throat all the way into my stomach.

I slam it down on the table, wincing. "Shit! What was that?"

"Tequila?" Madison says innocently, looking a her empty glass.

"Ash!" Kyla comes up from behind me, squealing. "What're you doing here?"

"I'm having fun." I announce. Kyla looks confused, but Madison whoops out loud.

"What's Spencer up to?" Kyla asks.

I try to answer, but Madison interrupts. "Who cares! She owes me more tequila!"

I laugh loudly, already feeling the effects of the alcohol. I reach into my purse and pull out my wallet, "Time to go work a little magic!" I say, wiggling my eyebrows and making my way over to the bar.

Moments later, I'm coming back with a tray of shots. "How the hell did you work that, Davies?" Madison sounds impressed

"Day bartender's an...old friend." I say, looking past her and giving him a wave. Internally, I roll my eyes.

"I'm not drinking these." Kyla says, cringing.

"More for us, then." I declare, handing Madison a shot. She downs it with a grimace. I do the same.

"You guys are crazy." Kyla says, turning to me. "What happened with Spencer? Did she throw your puppy in the street or something?"

I smack my lips against the taste of alcohol. "Kyla, I don't have a puppy."

"It's a figure of speech. Did you guys have a fight?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Uh, maybe because you're sitting here downing shots before it's dark, instead of tending to Spencer's every need?" Kyla says, like it obvious.

Madison tries to sneak a shot, and I slap her hand away, then turn back to Kyla. "Spencer doesn't want me around, that's cool. I can have fun without her." I shrug, handing Madison a tiny glass. I take one for myself, and we down it together.

"You guys should slow down." Kyla warns.

"Shutup, voice of reason." Madison says, burping a little. "Excuse me."

I point at her and laugh. "That? Gross."

"Here." She points to my tray. "Drink more, you have to play catch up."

I make an excited face! "I love catch up!"

Kyla mumbles something, but I ignore her. A few minutes later, I have my hands on my stomach. "I don't feel so good."

"Shock of the century." Kyla says sarcastically

"Actually..." Madison hiccups. "I'm not that surprised. She's been drinking."

Kyla looks at her like she's the dumbest thing walking the Earth. Which she might be, but she's good for a drinking buddy.

"Now that you're liquored up, what did Spencer say to you?" Kyla turns to me, trying to to get information.

"Spencer." I ponder this. "I should go see her."

Kyla notices I'm slurring my words, and reaches in my purse to grab my keys. "You aren't going anywhere."

I fume at her for a few seconds, then shrug. "Spencer told me...she told me. That I was around too much! Like that can even...be. Like that's true!"

Madison's giggling like an idiot. "You shushup!" I say loudly.

"Ashley, shh." Kyla turns my head back to face her. "She said she didn't want you to come around anymore? Why?"

I make a grand gesture with my hand. "That's a good question!"

"That's weird. Spencer wouldn't say that without - "

"Ten o'clock!" Madison shouts.

"What?" I demand.

"Look!" She abandons code and blatantly points to a tall redhead standing at the bar. "Same chick from earlier! Go hit on her!" She pats me on the back, encouraging me.

"Don't peer pressure me when I'm drunk!"

"It'll be...It'll be a good story to tell Spensher!" Madison laughs giddily, completely waster.

"Okay, no more for you." Kyla says, scooting the tray over to her.

"Take one!" Madison prods her, while I'm still looking at the redhead. She's cute.

"I'm gonna...I'm gonna talk to that lady." I stand up, wobbly for a second, and do my best strut over to the bar.

"Ashley!" Kyla says, trying to grab my arm. I shake her off. "Shh! I'm strutting..."

I sidle on up to her, sitting in the seat next to her. "I'm Ashley Davies." I stick my hand in her face. She raises an eyebrow. "I'm very drunk!"

"So I can tell." She looks amused, then shakes my hand. "I'm Sarah. I'm not drunk at all."

I pout. "You're no fun."

She laughs, swiveling her bar around to face me better. "I'm lots of fun. Anyone who tells you different? Is a liar."

Ha. "Fun?"

She nods. She wants me, I can tell. "You're very pretty." I say clearly, looking over at Kyla. She looks worried, but Madison's being a handful.

"You're gorgeous." Sarah says, cocking an eyebrow. We could be in the bathroom in minutes, done in double that. No one would have to know. And she's very cute.

"You know.." I say, putting my chin on my fist. "Spencer's very pretty, too."

"Spencer?"

"She's...gorgeous." I say carefully, not wanting to slur. "Prettier than you, definitely."

"Who's Spencer?" Sarah tries to look amused, but I totally just put her off her game.

"She's this girl." I say proudly. "Well, she's _the_ girl. She has the cutest little nose..." I pinch an imaginary nose in front of me.

"The girl, huh?" Sarah looks around while I nod. "Spencer's a funny name for a girl."

I shake my head. "It's the best name."

"Hey..." She lowers her voice, reaching closer to whisper something in my ear. "You wanna go to the bathroom?" She whispers seductively.

I pull back, licking my lips. "I...I don't have to pee." Then I burst out laughing.

Sarah looks extremely let down, then bolts from her chair. "Grow up."

"Bye!" I watch her head across the club, then wave at the bartender. "Hi!" Then I hop off the stool, in a good mood, and amble on over to Kyla.

"What was that?" She asks.

"That was Sarah."

"Sarah?"

"She was nice." I say and that's that. "Where's Madison?"

Kyla points to the center of the dancefloor, where Madison is whipping her hair around like a lunatic. "I'm waiting for her to barf." Kyla explains.

I laugh out loud. "I don't wanna be here to see that." Kyla hands me water, and I shake my head.

"Drink it."

"No...I think I'm gonna...go." I say, standing up slowly.

"I don't think so."

"I think yes."

"I think no."

I grab the water, chugging it like a madman until it's done. "I'm fine!" I promise, wiping my mouth. "I'm just gonna take a walk over to Spencer's..." I blink a few times, trying to get the drunk out of my system.

"Ash..."

"It's not even dark out!"

"You look blasted!"

"Looks are..." I snap my fingers, looking for the word.

"Deceiving?" Kyla guesses, rolling her eyes.

"That's the word!"

Kyla sighs. "Keep your phone on."

"I will."

"Be safe."

"I make no promises!" I give her my best winning smile, then turn to walk out of the club. I hear Madison retching just as I open the door, and chuckle to myself.

I make it to Spencer's street uneventfully. It's not that far of a walk, really, but I feel a little sick to my stomach. No more tequila, ever, I vow to myself. It's been a long time since I've drank.

I think I might actually vomit in the conveniently placed bushes a few houses down from Spencer's, when I happen to glance up and see a tall, dark haired boy exiting Spencer's front door.

Spencer stands on the porch, hugs him goodbye, and says something I can hear with my super keen drunk powers of hearing. "Goodnight, Aiden."

Aiden just nods, patting her gently on the back, and says, "Thanks." How gross. I cringe to myself, then Spencer closes the door.

He's almost to his car when I abandon the vomiting idea and speedwalk over to him. "Hey!"

He looks at me, surprised.

"Yeah, you!" I point a finger at him.

"Were you hiding in the bushes?"

"Were _you_?"

"No, I was..." He trails off as I get closer, peering at my face. "You're drunk."

"You're a dick!"

He looks a little concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Like you care."

He takes a step closer. "Don't be stupid. How'd you get here?" He peers up and down the street for my car.

"Legs." I slap my thighs for effect. "Why are you here?"

"Spencer asked me over."

"Liar."

He looks at my for a second, then rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Get in the car, Ash. I'm taking you home."

"Yeah right!"

He groans. "Listen, I know you don't like me, but I'm not letting you walk around drunk after it turns dark, okay?"

"Shutup!"

"No, you get in the car and shutup." He goes to unlock his car.

"I will not."

"You stubborn ass." He says, shaking his head. "You know, I'm no fan of yours lately, either."

"Guess who doesn't care?" I sneer. "Me!"

The second the word 'me' leaves my mouth, I can feel it. In my stomach, then my throat.

Aiden takes a few steps closer, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Ashley? You look like you're going to - "

Vomit sprays down the front of his shirt. He takes a step back, disgusted. "Man!"

I pay him no attention, feeling much better. I spit on the sidewalk. "Ew."

"This is like, my favorite shirt!" He looks at me, and I scowl, wiping at my chin. "But I guess I deserved that, huh?"

I nod. "Completely."

He goes to his trunk, peeling off his shirt and pulling on a sweatshirt. UCLA.

Aiden opens his door for me, gesturing me to get inside. "Can we be even now? I still smell like your puke."

I shrug, taking a few uneven steps toward his car and hopping in the front seat. Vomiting all over someone will really help you let go of a lot of anger. Especially when you're still tipsy.

"I'll think about it."


	26. To Err Is Human, But Do Not Overdo It

"You're hungover."

I open an eye to see Kyla at the foot of my bed, then close them immediately. "Not awake."

"Someone's here for you."

Half asleep, a thought flashes through my mind. "Spencer?"

"No."

"Go away." I take a few steady breaths, hoping sleep will come to me again. I hear a curtain zip, then sunlight invades the room, burning through my eyelids.

"Close it!" I choke out, burrowing my face into the pillow. My stomach is churning.

"I'm getting you some water." Kyla says, and I hear her leave the room.

I make an infuriated noise, as I feel sleep slipping away for good, and manage to sit up. My mouth is amazingly dry, and I put a hand over my stomach, grimacing. I notice I'm only wearing one shoe.

Hungover, indeed. I bury my face in my hands and feel sorry for myself, until someone enters my room.

It's Aiden, holding a glass of water out like an olive branch. He has a thin scratch above his upper lip.

"Kyla said you might need this..."

I take it, drinking greedily. Once I'm finished, I set the glass down and stare at him, frowning. "Close that blind." I croak. He complies, then sits down uncertainly on the edge of the bed - far away.

"What happened last night?" I rub my eyes.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"You, bringing me home..." I squint at the memory. "I barfed on you."

"Yeah..." He says, cringing. "I brought you home, and then you started drinking wine. I told you not to, but..."

I wince at this. Wine is just asking for trouble.

"After a couple glasses, you passed out, so I brought you upstairs, and tried to take your shoes off for you." He explains. Typical Aiden, trying to be nice at the wrong moment.

I glance down at my one shoe still intact. He notices. "You kicked me in the face."

I laugh, and it sounds raspy, but Aiden smiles. "So, I didn't attempt the other shoe."

"Wise choice."

We stare at my wall for a minute, then I remember to ask him something. "Why were you at Spencer's?"

"She called me."

I wait for him to go on.

"She told me...that she couldn't blame me for being in love with you." His brow creases, frowning at the words, but he continues. "And that what's done, is done."

"Spencer forgave you." I say simply, letting the words echo around the room. I don't know why, but I feel like something heavy is lifted off of my shoulders. He nods.

"Yeah."

"What's done is done." I repeat, blinking. "I like that." I look at him, and he gives me the briefest of smiles.

"Me, too." The air is cleared, after what seems like forever, and I'm thankful. But something is different, something I can't quite put my finger on.

An awkwardness that wasn't there before. Something I don't think can go away. I decide to change the subject.

I pause for a second, then shrug, casually. "Did Spencer seem...mad at me?"

He shakes his head.

"Not even a little?"

He looks baffled, then shrugs. "You should talk to her." He seems like he desperately doesn't want to be in the middle of anything. I don't blame him.

"I plan to." I assure him. "I just want to know what I'm going up against."

He stands up, sighing. "Just Spencer. It's just Spencer, Ash."

I nod slowly. "Yeah." I look up at him and he looks at the door. "You leavin'?"

He glances around my room, like he's taking a last look. He looks sad. "I think I got what I came for."

I keep my face blank.

"So, I guess. Yeah." He starts toward the door, tapping his hand on the frame, then turning around. "You know, Ash, I'm leaving for university in two days."

"UCLA. I heard." I clear my throat, ignoring my oncoming headache. "Congrats."

He tries to smile. "Yeah. Well, I have to drive up there, and it's sort of a long drive." His fingers dance nervously across the doorframe as he processes his thoughts. "I thought, maybe, if you don't have anything to do..."

I look at him, and he looks so sad. At a time when he should be happy, full of hope, and looking towards his own future. "What's up, Aiden?" I urge, prodding him to spit it out.

"You wanna drive up with me?" He blurts out, throwing it out there like it's the world's worst idea. Maybe it is, but I just cock an eyebrow.

"Road trip?"

He smiles, slowly but surely. "You know it."

"Pick me up Friday at 8."

He looks like he has more to say, but he bites his tongue, nodding happily and ducking out of my doorway.

Once he's gone I let my smile fall and collapse onto my bed. Kyla trudges in a few minutes later with some aspirin, which I swallow dry.

She lays on the bed with me. "Glad you're being nice to Aiden."

"Think of it as a going away present for him." I say gruffly.

"He's a nice guy."

I don't say anything, and she comes and lays down next to me. "Saw Spencer this morning."

"The whole world revolves around that girl." I say in a hollow voice, but I know Kyla knows what's coming next. "What'd she say?"

"Lots of things."

"About me." I squeeze my eyes shut against my headache.

"She said she was afraid."

"Of what?" I demand, opening my eyes to look at her.

"Lots of things." Kyla says seriously. "She made a lot of sense."

"Then tell me." I say, glaring. Why won't anyone tell me anything?

"I think..well, I think she wants to tell you herself."

"She told me to leave her alone."

"You know she didn't mean that." Kyla counters.

I do know. "I don't know what's up with her."

"A lot." Kyla says, shrugging. "She just wanted to face some things by herself. I think she felt like she had to."

I don't like the sound of Spencer feeling like she has to do anything without me, but I can't quite articulate this. Kyla pats my leg.

"Just give her time. She has to heal, physically, yeah. But that's not even the hardest part." Kyla tells me, and I roll my eyes and turn over, away from her.

"Whatever. You drama kids..." I'm done talking about this with her. She sounds so sure of things I'm just trying to grasp.

She laughs, then hops off the bed. "Just call her, Ash."

I don't say anything, but when I'm sure she's downstairs, I creep my fingers over to my nightstand, grabbing for my phone.

I dial Spencer's number without thinking about it, muscle memory kicking in.

It rings four times before it goes to voice mail. Whether it was deliberate on her part or not, I don't know.

I sigh into the phone. "It's Spencer. Leave a message. Muah!"

Beep. "Spencer." I plaster a smile on my face, hoping it translates through the phone. "Spence. I'm calling because I'm obsessed with you, if you didn't know it yet. I, uh...I miss you already, but that's okay, so just call me when you're ready to. I hope you miss me, too."

I click my phone closed. "Crap." I say, staring at it and then flipping it over and hitting redial.

Four rings. Voicemail. Okay, that's definitely deliberate. "Muah!"

"I forgot to say I love you. So, I love you." I say, a genuine smile this time. I roll my eyes at my own lameness, then add, "Too."

Because I know her reply even if she doesn't say it.


	27. So I Stumble Along As Best I Can

"I'm leaving soon, Mom."

My Mother turns around and cocks her head at me. "And where are you going?"

"UCLA." I swallow a drink of my milk. "With Aiden." I add.

"That Aiden boy..." My Mother narrows her eyes, not quite knowing what to make of it, and shrugs. "Have fun, dear."

She exits the room, no more questions ask. My shoulders slump a little. I'm not especially sure why I thought she'd care, and it makes me feel stupid. You'd think this whole school shooting incident would soften her a bit towards me, but no.

I decide to take solace in the fact that some things really never change, and that's when Kyla walks in, throwing her arms around me in a hug.

"Ahh!" I cry, setting my milk down. "What's this for?"

"Because I won't see you for a while." She lets go.

"It'll only take a couple hours to get there."

"A couple long hours. Plus, you're staying overnight"

"Aiden already has an apartment for rent. I'm catching a taxi the very next morning." I tell her, reciting the plan as Aiden and I had gone over it the day before.

"He should be here pretty quick then, huh?" Kyla says, as we both sit down at the counter.

"Yep."

"Have you talked to Spencer about it?"

"Nope." I spin my glass between my hands, staring at the swirls.

"Do you plan to?" She asks carefully.

"You think I wouldn't?"

"I don't know." She admits.

"I've called her every single day for the past three days. She hasn't picked up. So far, I've left her three messages." I roll my eyes. "So, if that's how she wants to play it..."

"You'll leave town, with Aiden, to punish her?" Kyla finishes for me, but I don't like the way she puts it.

"I didn't say that." I say evenly. "I would never do that. No. I'm calling her right now, in fact."

I push my glass and reach for my phone in my pocket. Kyla gives me a sour look.

"What?" I ask.

She just shrugs, looking away.

"What?" I demand.

"It's just..."

"You think I shouldn't go?"

"No. It's not that. I mean, it's obvious you don't love Aiden. I'm sure Spencer trusts you.." Kyla sighs, looking conflicted.

"What's up?" I'm impatient.

"He..." She shakes her head. "He never liked me, did he?"

"Who? Aiden?"

She nods sadly. I hate to think that she has her feelings hurt over some guy who's not even worth it.

"Kyla..." I'm unprepared for this. "Who cares if stupid Aiden liked you or not?"

"You cared." She points out softly.

"Once, yeah." I admit, then think about this. "I understand the need to have people like you. Everyone does." I shrug at this. "But then someone'll come along, someone you don't like. You love them."

Kyla looks uncertain about this.

"And it's not going to be Aiden for you. It definitely wasn't Aiden for me...Ky, one day, your Spencer's gonna come along." I tell her with conviction, wanting to make my only sister feel better with the only words I know how. "And she...he's gonna be sweet, and he's gonna be goodlooking, and totally in love with you. And you're going to love them back."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It'll be the best feeling ever, because it..it just is. Because you? You're awesome. And you deserve that."

"You believe that?" She bites her lip.

"I know that."

She smiles at me, taking all this in, and then slips off her stool. "That how Spencer makes you feel?"

"Every day."

Kyla looks like she likes the sound of this. "You think you make her feel that way?"

I pause for a second, then I nod. "I really do, yeah."

Kyla grins at me, but doesn't seem to have anything else to say, so she saunters out of the room.

I give myself a mental pat on the back, then shake my head. Who knew I'd become such a softie?

I'm calling Spencer within seconds, actually hoping she'll pick up this time. No dice. I sigh.

"Hey, Spence. You didn't pick up, again. I'm sure you know who this is, because no other chicks better be leaving messages on your voicemail sounding all heartsick." I try to sound lighthearted. "I just wanted to tell you that I'd come by and tell you this, but I don't think you want to see me. I'm just waiting for you to tell me what to do. So, I'm leaving town for maybe a day and a half." I bite my lip. "With Aiden. And I know how that sounds, but I know you two worked everything out. So, I hope that's okay. I love you more than all the tea in China, sweetheart. And you know how I love my tea."

I hang up, throwing the phone on the table. I fight the growing urge to jump in my car and go to Spencer's. I know she's listening to my messages. I know she gets every one. I don't know why she doesn't call me back. All I know is that she isn't ready to, and that's all the knowledge I need.

I'm stubborn, I guess. This time I want her to come to me.

I get up to put my glass in the sink when my ringtone goes off. My Spencer ringtone. I turn around and take a flying leap towards the counter, reaching for my phone. Spencer's calling!

"Spencer?"

"Where are you going with Aiden?"

Wow. She got straight to the point.

"I love you, too, Spencer!" I say cheerily into the phone. "I know we haven't talk in like, forever! It's good to hear from you, too."

She is silent.

"UCLA." I give her her answer.

"Okay." Pause from her end. "Why?"

"He asked me?"

"When?"

"Uh, how about the morning after I saw him at your house?" I say, a little more harshly then I intended. "You didn't tell me you two were so buddy buddy."

"I wanted him to know that I wasn't going to hate him forever." She defends herself. "So you're actually going?"

"I said I was."

"Why?" She asks.

"Why have you been ignoring me?" I ask her right back.

"Don't ask a question with a question."

"Don't ignore me for three days then call me up and give me the inquisition!"

She sighs a long sigh. "Okay, I guess I deserve that."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah."

"Ash!"

"Okay, apology accepted." I can't ever stay mad at her. "I just want to know - "

"I know." She says quickly. "I'll tell you everything."

"I'll be over in a second." I say, on instinct, heading for the door.

"No, wait."

"What?"

"When you get back."

I frown. "Spence..." I hope I convey all the need in my voice. "I really want to see you."

"It's okay, Ash." She says softly. "I'll be here when you get back."

"Spencer." I whine.

"I love you." She says sincerely.

"I love you, too." I say a little sadly. "You know, I was waiting for you to call."

"I got every message."

I smile at this. "Are you...you sure it's okay for me to go?"

"If you feel like you need to.."

Not exactly a resounding 'yes'. I just sigh. "I'll see you right when I get back, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Bye, Spence."

She hangs up.

It didn't go as bad as I thought it would, or as well as I would have hoped. Fair to middling is never bad, I guess.

A few minutes later, Aiden pulls up outside. I walk out glumly, hopping in the passenger seat. His car is loaded up with boxes.

"Hey." He greets, smiling.

"Hey."

"Wow, you're a bucket of sunshine today." He says, noting my bad mood.

"Wow. Sarcasm. Great." I lean my head back. "Drive."

He just laughs, and we take off. It's going to be a long drive.


	28. Breathe,  Trust,  Bless Me And Release

I trudge up the steps to Aiden's new apartment building, holding the smallest box in his car.

It was a long, uneventful drive. Aiden could tell something was on my mind, and he probably knew it was about Spencer. So he just listened to rap music until I made him turn it off.

Then he kept trying to play the license plate game, until I shut him down on that, too.

Then he just kept nagging me. Same old Aiden. Hours and hours later, we arrived. It's pitch dark.

I'm tired and bored by the time I let myself fall on Aiden's apartment floor, throwing my purse down next to me.

"Thanks for the help." Aiden says, setting down an armful of heavy boxes.

"I'm stiff from the car ride." I say, stretching out on the floor.

"So am I." He sits down next to me, taking a deep breath.

"You'll get over it."

He just shrugs. "So, this is it."

I glance around. It's pretty roomy. His parents must have shelled out a pretty penny. "Is this their thank you for getting a scholarship?"

"I guess." He doesn't sound too happy about it.

"What's wrong? It's nice and roomy."

"I dunno. It's gonna be weird. Lonely."

"Ah, you'll get to know people. You're a social guy." I tell him.

"I guess." He shrugs. "I'll miss home, though. All you guys."

I just nod.

"I'm really glad you decided to drive with me, Ash. It's not much, but it's.."

"No big deal." I finish for him, before he can get too mushy. As Aiden tends to do.

"No, it is." He presses on. "I mean, I thought you guys would hate me forever."

I laugh at this.

"So...it's not no big deal." He says sincerely.

I reach over and pat his shoulder. "You're just a big softie, aren't you?"

He hides his smile, shaking his head. "How are you and Spencer?"

The atmosphere of the apartment is much more calming and comfortable than the cramped car, so I just sigh. "We're okay."

"She was fine with...us driving up here together?"

"Why wouldn't she be? She trust me." I say, trying to sound nonchalant.

"I dunno..." Aiden trails off, not sure what to say. "Well, I'm glad you two made up."

"Made up?"

"You know." He shrugs one shoulder. "My stupid prom night stunt."

"Stupid, it was." I agree, noticing that talking about this isn't as strange as I thought it would be.

"I'm real sorry about that. About everything."

"So you've said."

"I know..."

"You can stop saying it, now." I tell him genuinely. He nods slowly, understanding. No hard feelings.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Uh, probably not." I say, not liking his tone.

"Shutup." He says. "Come on."

"I promise I might not tell the truth." I warn him.

He straightens his shoulders. "If you weren't with Spencer - "

"Not an appropriate question." I cut him off.

"Ashley, come on. Just tell me. If you weren't with Spencer, would I..."

"Would you have a chance?"

He nods, bravely meeting my eye.

"Aiden..." I shake my head. "We've been there before, you know? It..it just didn't work."

"But - "

"No buts. Spencer was right that night. You had your chance." I don't sound harsh, I just call it the way I see it.

Aiden doesn't look sad, just resigned. Like he knew this. "We had good times, right?"

"Sure." I say. "We probably couldn't improve upon them if we tried."

He tries to laugh. "That's a nice way of saying 'never again, asshole.'"

I laugh along, hoping to lighten to moment. "Never again, asshole."

"Yeah.." He stops laughing, but there's a small remnant of a smile on his face.

"Promise me something, Aiden."

"Hm?"

"Date lots and lots of chicks, okay?"

After I get him to agree, he breaks pillows out of the box, along with two blankets, and we make separate beds on the floor - a good distance away from each other.

I know he isn't asleep yet, but I pull out my phone in the dark apartment, dialing Spencer's number. She must be sleeping, so I just get her voicemail.

"Hey, sweetheart." I try to keep my voice down. "Just wanted to tell you I got here safely. Aiden's as boring as ever, and we're going to sleep now. So, goodnight, and I'll see you tomorrow night sometime. Love you, Spence."

I hang up. The last thing I hear before I fall asleep is Aiden telling me I'm lucky.

I dream of Spencer.

When I wake up, Aiden's still sleeping. I pat my foot against his bare stomach, just like old times.

"Wake up, ass!"

He groans. "What?"

"I called my cab."

He pulls himself up to a sitting position, then stands. "It's on its way?" He rubs his eyes.

"Yeah. So I guess that ends our last official sleepover." I tell him brightly.

He barks out a morning laugh, smoothing out his hair. "I guess it does."

We stand there for a while, and it's just like I said. I know he's still in love with me, and now he knows I don't return those feelings. We both know we can never be what we once were, but I'm the only one who doesn't want to go back. Always an undercurrent of sadness and awkwardness that won't go away. It makes me a little disappointed, but maybe that's the way things have to be.

"This is it, big guy." I tell him, when I see my cab pull up outside.

He pulls me into a hug, and I let him, lying my head against his chest. I hug him back. He really was a good friend, for as long as he could stand it. I can't blame him, not anymore.

"Hold on to Spencer, okay?" He plants a quick kiss on my head. "She's perfect for you, Ash."

"I know." I sniff a little, pulling out of the embrace. "Do good for yourself, Aiden."

"I will." I know he will. We stand at arm's length for a few seconds, then I reach out and pinch his cheeks, giving him a smile. "I think I might miss you, you stupid lug."

"I doubt it, but thanks for lying." His lips curl into something of a smile.

"Yeah." I head towards the door. Everything that needs to be said has been said.

"Ash?" He calls out.

I turn around. "Yeah?"

"Maybe you could visit sometime?" He sounds hopeful, but reserved. I think he knows my answer.

I'm shaking my head slowly before I open my mouth, and he just nods knowingly. "Okay. Yeah. That's fine..."

"Bye, Aiden."

"Goodbye, Ashley."

I don't look back. It's not as sad as I thought it would be, but I know I'm probably leaving Aiden forever.

The ride home is much shorter.


	29. Take Me Home And Leave Me There

The Carlin driveway feels sort of like home these days. Which is strange, seeing as how I haven't been 'round in quite a while.

I pull my car into park and take my keys out, strolling up the driveway and onto the front porch.

Someone's at the curtains before I reach the front steps. I recognize that flash of blonde hair, and before the minute is over, Spencer is pulling the door open. The sun is hardly setting.

"Hi." I can't exactly read her mood by her tone, but II grin at her despite my stiff back from the long trip, all the unanswered questions in the back of my mind. She steps outside the threshold, closing the door behind.

"Good to see you." I pull her into a careful hug, which she returns. "Good to touch you." I mumble into the crook of her neck.

She pulls back with a slight smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, but before I can say anything, she takes a few swift steps to her porch swing.

I follow her lead, sitting closely next to her. "How was the trip?" She asks a little too nonchalantly.

"It was good." I say truthfully. "I think we both needed it."

Spencer's eyes won't leave her lap, where her hands are fidgeting with each other. "That's good."

"Yeah." I say, staring at her like she's a puzzle. "So..what's up?"

"Ah, nothing." She says, and starts picking at her thumbnail. I reach my hand over and cover both her hands with mine. Spencer never picks at her fingernails.

"Spencer." I say, and then she finally looks at me.

She takes a short breath. "Did...did anything happen?" I look at her blankly. "Between you two." She finishes, as if I needed clarifying.

It takes me a moment to register what she's asking, but when it does, I immediately pull my hand away from hers. "Spence..."

She doesn't answer, just looks like she's waiting for an answer that she doesn't want to hear. Meanwhile, I'm trying to sort through my own feelings, all of which are coming at me fast and hard.

I swallow. "Happen?" I repeat. "You think something 'happened'?"

Her lips purse. "I don't know, Ash - "

"No." I interrupt. "You do. You do know, and don't you dare tell me you don't."

Spencer looks like she doesn't quite know what to say. I continue. "Tell me this is just your insecurity. Tell me you didn't really mean to ask me that stupid, stupid question." I say, sounding a little bit more than hurt.

She looks stricken. "I didn't think - "

"You didn't think." I cut her off sharply. "You thought I - "

"I'm sorry." Spencer says quickly, looking apologetic in about ten different ways. "That was dumb. I'm sorry."

I struggle to make my vocal chords word. "Did you think I would?" I don't want to know what my face looks like. "You thought I would what, have sex with him?" I demand. "What did you think?"

"I didn't think that!" Spencer's eyes flash. "I just...I believe you." She says genuinely.

I take a deep breath, letting her words wash over me. She keeps talking. "I'll believe anything you tell me." She says gently. "I trust you."

I bit the inside of my cheek, not letting her know how good these words make me feel. "That's good." I tell her evenly. "And no, nothing happened." I stare her straight in the eyes for this. "I just...I couldn't wait to come home to you."

She smiles at me, a real one. "Everyone misses you."

I snort. "Everyone?"

"Oh, you wouldn't even believe. My Mom thanked God when you pulled up."

I make a face. "No way."

"Yes way. They figure you'll snap me out of my funk." She nudges me with her shoulder.

"Hm." I put a finger on my chin. "Something tells me you've been little Miss Moody."

She just laughs softly. "You'd be right."

A silence follows, and I gather my thoughts for what I know is coming next. "So. Tell me what's going on." I gently urge her, putting my arm around the back of her side of the swing.

"Well..." She trails off, looking into the distance. I notice she looks a little bit more tan. A little bit more healthy. Better. "I just wanted...some time for myself."

"So I've noticed."

She puts a hand on my thigh. "Not like you think. I just..." She shakes her head, meeting my gaze. "You don't know how wonderful you are."

"You should tell me." I say in a soft voice, almost kidding.

Spencer bites her lips, continuing. "You don't know how easy you made things. I relied on you...like you don't even know."

I had a clue. But I let her speak.

"I'm sorry you had to suffer for it, but I had to try and get along without you. Because you...you were my rock, Ash. And I could ask you for anything, and you'd give it. Every time."

"Spencer, I'd give you anything."

"I know." She says, a smile in her eyes. "I know, and that's the problem...you shouldn't have to, you know? Something happened to me, and you've helped me like a saint. You're perfect, Ashley, you really are. But I had to learn to be there for myself."

I nod slowly, understanding her, finally. Spencer needed to be there for herself, before anything else. She's asked me a long time ago, in a hospital bed, if I could be strong for the both of us. I'd proven to her I could be, and now she had to take over the reigns.

Even things out.

"Spencer..." I shake my head, bringing my arm down around her shoulders. "How are the nightmares?"

She ducks her head. "Not that great. But I don't think they're ever going to go away, you know? You can't be there every night."

"Yes I can." I say defiantly, which makes her chuckle a little.

"You just..you don't know how much you mean to me." She tells me, looking straight at me, her voice heavy. I take in every feature clouding her face, committing them to memory.

I try to open my mouth, to find the words to console her, tell her I do know. I know perfectly well. But she doesn't let me. "It's just so scary, you know?"

"What?" I ask lightly, noticing my hand is clamped on her shoulder.

"That you're the only thing that makes me less afraid." She licks her lips, considering her next words. She delivers them well. "It makes it so much scarier. I don't want to lose you."

I swallow the lump in my throat, bringing my hand up from her shoulder and gently pressing her head onto my shoulder, soothing her. "Spence." I laugh a little. "You're so crazy. You're so crazy, you know that?"

She just shakes her head.

"If you think I'm going away..." I sigh at this. "If losing me is the only thing that you're afraid of, you might as well be fearless, 'kay?"

Spencer turns her face, so that her nose is pressing against my bare shoulder. I feel her let out a tiny imitation of a laugh. "Ash..."

"Freakin' fearless, Spencer." I insist.

I feel her nod against me, and I nod with her. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay." I say, blinking a few times to make sure I'm not tearing up. I love this girl.

We sit there for a while, in the twilight, until it finally fades to dark. The days are getting shorter as summer wears on.

"You know." Spencer says after a while, shifting to sit closer to me. She moves easier now. She's healed, what's hurt her in the past is almost done with. "School starts up pretty quickly."

"Seniors." I say, rubbing my arm absentmindedly up and down her arm.

"Yep."

"It's gonna be good." I say, half thought, half promise.

"It is."

Paula pushes the door open, startling me a bit, but neither of us move. She gives me a smile, which I'm surprised to see is sincere. "Ashley. You're back."

"I am." I say, not knowing what else to speak.

"Well..." Paula's eyes travel over Spencer's hand, draped across my thigh. My arm, wrapped gently around her shoulders, keeping her warm and safe. Our obvious happiness with each other. "It's good to see you two together."

She offers a tiny reconciliatory nod, and I immediately forgive her for anything she's ever done wrong with me. "Thanks, Pau - Mrs. Carlin." I say genuinely. I see Spencer smiling at me out of the corner of my eye.

"Come in soon. It's getting cold out." She says, then closes the door gently.

I look at Spencer, about to exclaim my wonder about how I couldn't believe what just transpired. But the moment I'm turned her way, she has both hands on my cheeks, leading my lips to hers. She's smothering me with kisses, deep kisses.

"Whoa." I say, right after I draw back. I can't stop staring at her eyes.

She just smiles in response. The same shy smile she's given me a hundred million times, but this time, I blush. She can still do it.

"Ashley."

"Hm?" I say, floating.

She waits a second, then shrugs. "I dunno. I just wanted to say your name."

I laugh a little. "Can I spend the night?"

She looks a little bit uncertain, so I'm quick to take it back. "Unless you - "

"No, no. That's, uh..." She looks thoughtful. "How about I spend the night at your house?"

I grin at her fully. "That sounds delightful, Spence."


	30. My Hope Is Feeling Worn

I lead Spencer up my stairway with one hand firmly gripped on hers, and the other holding her bag. I kick my door open, probably a little too loudly, as I see my Mother's light turn on.

"Crap." I put a hand on Spencer's shoulder and gently push her into my room, out of Kyla's sight.

My Mother appears at her doorway with curlers in her hair, not looking sleepy, just annoyed. "Honestly. What time is it?"

"Not that late."

"I thought you were out of town."

"I came back." I tell her simply, shifting my weight from foot to foot. She looks like she wants to say something else.

"Did you have a fine time?"

"Sure, Mom."

"I didn't think you'd be back so soon."

"Yeah, well.." I run my toe along the carpet, wishing she would leave me alone.

"That Aiden boy. He's quite charming, isn't he?"

"He does okay." I don't glance at Spencer.

"He's certainly handsome." She thinks since I'm gay she has to point these things out.

"What about Spencer? Spencer's cute too, right, Mom?" I ask, smirking.

My Mother smiles at me. "Spencer is gorgeous, honey." I see Spencer grin out of the corner of my eye. "Only girlfriend of yours I ever liked, in fact. How is that poor girl doing?"

"She's doing great."

My Mother nods, looking like she has more to say, but stops herself.

"Where's your sister?"

I shrug, and then we both just stand there. Spencer looks bored on the other side of me, out of sight. I groan, taking a few backward steps to Kyla's door, and pound on it. Nothing. I open the door, seeing Kyla sleeping on her bed.

"Kyla!"

She snaps awake. "Hmm? Oh...you're home."

"Yeah. My Mom wants you."

"I didn't say I wanted her, dear. I just said - "

"Okay. Kyla, go back to sleep."

Kyla looks confused, and then my mother shakes her head, retreating back into her room. I hear her door lock. "What's going on?" Kyla comes to stand next to me. I walk over to my door and grab Spencer's hand, pulling her into Kyla's line of vision.

"I snuck Spencer in!"

"Hi, Spencer." Kyla gives her a sleepy smile and a small hug, then turns to me. "Why'd you have to sneak her in?"

"Good question." Spencer adds.

"Because." I look at Kyla pointedly, tossing Spencer's bag into my room. "She's going to be nosy. And we want to be alone. Because we're going to be doing dirty things to each other."

"Ashley!" Spencer admonishes.

"What? It's the only way Kyla's gonna leave us alone." I defend myself, while Kyla cracks a smile. I regard her again. "We're gonna be naked." I say.

"We're not gonna be naked." Spencer says, while I just turn around and pull her into my room.

"Totally naked!" I sing in a hushed voice, pulling my door closed. I pop my head out. "'night, Ky."

She rolls her eyes, then trudges back into her room. Hopefully, to fall back asleep.

My room is dark. I turn the lights on low. "It's been a long time." Spencer looks about.

"Remember your way around?" I say, wrapping my arms around her from behind. "That's the dresser. Those are my drums." I turn our bodies together. "And that's my bed."

She laughs a little, shaking in my embrac, then I let her go. "I'm really tired from that horrible cab drive. It was unbearable." I go to my dresser, pulling out some shorts and a sports bra. "I'm gonna go change, and - "

"Do it here."

"Hm?"

Spencer eases herself down onto the edge of my bed. "You can change here."

Before Spencer can say it again, I've whipped my shirt off. She grins, eyes roaming over my naked torso. "You like?" I say seductively, then laugh. I wiggle out of my jeans and spin around a few times before taking a few steps closer to her.

Spencer looks me up and down, and then I'm right in front of her. I take her hands in mine, placing them flat against my stomach, moving them around so she's touching me on my ribcage, my hips, my stomach. Goosebumps rise wherever her hands go. "Did you miss me?" I ask her.

She just nods, then swallows heavily. I'm not quite sure what I had in mind for tonight, or what she did, either. But I'm not quite sure it went like this.

But I'm sure I like where it's going. Spontaneous is never bad, right? I lean down, pulling her hands up and over, placing them on my chests. She's breathing shallow, staring at my lips. Then she leans forward and captures them, "Ashley..."

I wrap my hands around her face, smoothing her hair, touching her cheeks. Her lips are wetter than mine, and they slip and press against each other in the best of way.

Her hands are still on the outside of my bra, just now beginning to take handfuls, squeezing gently and nicely. Then her fingers dance past the fabric of my bra, just grazing the sensitive skin underneath. I arch my back, pressing myself more fully into her hands, waiting for what I know comes next.

Then, she stops.

I let out an aroused breath, opening my eyes. Spencer's stopped kissing me. "What's wrong?"

But I can tell by the answer in her eyes, glazed over in passion, but creased with worry...no, not worry. Conflict. "What's wrong?" I ask again. "Spencer?"

I stand up fully, now painfully aware of how exposed I am. "I want to." Spencer says, rocking slightly back and forth. I know she's turned on, the way she's squeezing her legs together. The way her face looks, her lips..I've seen that look before, countless times. "I really do..."

"But." I say, turning around to grab my clothes off the floor.

"Yeah, but." Spencer says, mimicking my tone. I grasp my shorts in my hand, and turn around to face her.

"You told me to - "

"I know." Spencer says, almost guiltily.

"And you're the one who wanted to - "

"I know."

I take a deep breath, and then I see her shoulders slump. I walk past her, out of the room, and down the hall. I change in the bathroom. I take a long look at myself in the mirror, then splash my face with water. Cold water. I need it.

When I come back in our room, Spencer's rifling through her bag. She pulls out a long nightgown. I see her look at me, then opens her mouth to say something. I know what she's asking even before she speaks.

"I'll go so you can change." I spin around, heading for the door. I know the protocol. A part of me hopes she'll stop me, tell me to stay. Tell me it's okay.

"Ash..."

I don't turn around, not daring to hope. I just stop a little, tilting my head. "What?" I ask. I hate the way my voice bounces off the wall, making it sound harsher than I intended.

"I, uh..well, if you want, you can.." She's stumbling over her words, and the throbbing between my legs isn't going away. I bite my lip, impatient. I don't want her to dangle herself in front of me again. I know she has her issues, and I know there's no way I'd push her, but even I need some slack sometimes. I feel horrible for thinking this way.

"Spencer, just hurry up and change." I cut her off, going to sit at the top of the stairs. A few minutes later, I hear her voice.

"Done."

I silently follow her back into my room, where she settles herself into bed. I turn out the light, crawling into bed next to her. I reach my arms for her, out of habit, then stop myself, pulling back. I don't like not knowing if it's okay to touch her.

"Hold me."

She abolishes all my indecision with her words, and I reach out and wrap myself up in her. I kiss the nape of her neck gently, the way I know she likes it. In a way, it's like nothing's changed.

"I love you, Spencer."

She sighs into my embrace. A happy one, I hope. "I love you, too, Ash."

"Goodnight."

I kiss her shoulder once more, then I realize how tired I am. Our breathing becomes regular, in time with each other, and soon, we're both asleep.


	31. You Can't Hide Beautiful

"You like it?"

Spencer drapes her new shirt over herself, looking at me for approval. 

"You look great. You're gonna knock 'em dead, Spence." I tell her, making her grin.

School clothes. Spencer decided she needed a new wardrobe - she knew she was going to be the center of a lot of attention when school was back in session, so I obliged her. My Mother's credit card, us, and the mall. Old friends. Spencer looks beautiful in her new clothes.

"Five short days, Spence." I say, sitting on the stool next to my drumset. "We're gonna be seniors."

"We're gonna rule that school, aren't we?"

I nod. "Oh, of course. They're not gonna know what hit them."

Spencer sighs happily, folding her clothes. She's better able to get around lately, a lot more independent. I'm so proud of her. Sometimes she takes walks over to my house. Sometimes we walk together. It's good to have her out and about again.

"I can't wait to show you off in all your new clothes." I say, hitting a cymbal with my pinky finger.

"Hot, right?" Spencer asks. She's been getting her confidence back. I love that.

"So hot." I tell her truthfully, tapping on the snare. "I know we're not exactly a couple or anything, but when people hit on you, I'm still going to kill them with lasers."

"You have lasers?"

"I do." I stand up and go over to her, helping her fold all her new clothes.

"Scary. What else are you hiding from me?"

I shrug, smoothing out the creases in a shirt and folding it. "Uh, my other, cuter best friend who I kinda kiss sometimes when no one's looking?"

"Oh?"

"Yep. She looks just like you, but better. She's funnier, too." I say happily, laying the shirt on the bed.

"I'm not funny?"

"I didn't say that, Spencer. But yeah, she's a riot." I try to conceal my smile.

She slaps me on the arm lightly. "You're so mean."

"I'm not mean. She lives in the attic. She has her own pinball machine."

"Are you on drugs?"

"Yes. That, too. I never told you that, either." I turn to face her, all the clothes now folded.

"Drugs and women." She shakes her head at me. "Ashley Davies, I thought I knew you."

"Yeah...Can you hurry up and grab yourself and leave? Attic girl wants to hang out." I say flippantly.

"Attic girl, huh?" Spencer rolls her eyes. "The one that's cuter and funnier than me."

I nod. "Yep."

"Will you walk me home?"

"Of course." I start piling up all her clothes. "Did you try all this on?"

"No, but I know they'll fit."

"How? You should try them on."

"I'll do it at home.."

Realization dawns on me. Of course. "Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. 'Cause, you know...yeah." Spencer doesn't want to try on anything in front of me. "No fun fashion shows, I guess."

"Guess not." Spencer echoes, sounding sad.

I look at her, holding all her clothes. "Look, Spence...It's fine."

"I know."

I'm struck by her indifferent tone. "Of course you know." I sigh.

"Are you mad?"

"Mad? No." I say, patience wearing thin. I've been being so good about this, I swear. But sometimes, it's almost maddening.

"You sound mad."

"I'm not mad!"

"Just because I won't take my shirt off in front of you - "

"Spencer! I said I don't care. Stay clothed forever. I don't care." I say forcefully, enunciating each word. I'd honestly really not talk about this at all.

"You do care." She says, sounding certain. I set the clothes down, softening my tone.

"Of course I care. You have this whole part of you...this special part, and you want to keep it from me. How could I not care?" I ask her gently, my voice conveying all the hurt that I've been saving up.

Spencer absorbs this, looking increasingly more miserable each second. "Ash..."

"No, I know. You're not there yet. And that's fine. But just...let's just go." I turn around to grab her clothes again, but she grabs my arm.

"Wait."

"Spencer - "

"I said wait!"

I look at her, alarmed. I can tell she's building herself up towards something. She's playing with the buttons on her shirt, looking very afraid. "Spencer?"

"Here..." She licks her lips, taking a deep breath, unbuttoning her top button. "Hand me that shirt." She points toward the pile.

My eyes are wide, and I do so without question. I hold it out to her, and she looks at me, holding my gaze as she quickly unbuttons her shirt.

"I am ready." Her voice is shaking. "I've been trying to tell you, but I thought..." She doesn't finish her sentence, and I'm still looking her completely in the face. I'm afraid to look anywhere else.

She whips her shirt off her shoulders, looking bare and ready for...whatever this is. But it feels big.

I close my mouth, letting my eyes travel down her body. Small bruises line her ribcage, yellow, disappearing. One deep red gash, and a small, circular scar is raised.

"Come over here." Spencer breathes. I take a step closer to her, and she grabs my hand quickly, gripping it. She brings it to her stomach, running my hands along the scar. It feels soft. The discolored skin is different than the rest of her stomach.

"That's where the bullet hit me..." Spencer runs my fingers along the puckered scar. Next, the tiny line next to it, jagged and raw looking. "That's the surgery incision..."

I watch her face, now, but she isn't looking at me. I can feel her breathing hitch, concentration, staring at both of our hands. "Does it hurt?" I ask.

She shakes her head a tiny bit. "Only a little..."

"Oh." I sound weak, and I wish there was something for me to say. Something, anything. But I know I have goosebumps.

"Does..." Spencer finally looks at me. "Does the girl in the attic have this?"

I look at her, trying to smile at her attempt to lighten the mood, which seems like an impossible chore. I try anyways, for her. Then something happens. We both burst into a simulataneous fit of giggles, and her grip on my hand tightens with every laugh.

"No." I say, calming down. I glance back at her stomach. The scars. It seems so unimpressive. But I know there's a story there, part our story. A story of Spencer, and what a strong, beautiful person she is. I wish I could tell her all this. I wish I could tell her how much I love her right now, with all the right words. "This..." I tap my index finger against the scar very gentle, a suggestion of touch. "This is special."

She watches me intently, studying my face.

"No one else has this." I tell her seriously. "It just..." I shrug. "Spence, it's just another thing I can love about you. And only you."

Spencer looks like she might cry, but breaks into a smile I'm not sure she can pull off right now. "You don't think it's..."

I cut her off with a very short kiss. She looks caught off guard.

"Oh, don't look so surprised." I tell her, giving her as playful as a look as I can muster. She looks grateful.

"Thanks, Ashley."

There's a lot of meaning behind those words, and I just give her a small nod. You're welcome. I reach for her new shirt and hand it to her. "Put this on, gorgeous." I say lightly. She does so, and I watch her, transfixed.

"Ready?" I aks, when she's fully clothed.

She wipes at her eyes. "Totally."

"Let's get out of here, then." I grab her clothes, stick them under my arm, and lead her down the stairs by a gentle grip on her hand.

I'm very relaxed, and I know she's at ease.

I wish I could tell her that it really didn't live up to all the hype, but I think she knows because of the way she tickles my stomach on the way out the door.


	32. You Shouldn't Think What You're Feeling

"You're quiet."

I nibble my thumbnail. "Shh." I shush Kyla.

She stares at me like I'm a puzzle. "You shh. What's up?"

"Tomorrow is our first day of our senior year." I say slowly.

"Yeah. How cool, right?"

I don't say anything. Kyla nudges me with her foot. "After this summer, we deserve a great last year, right?"

I nod slowly.

"So..." Kyla keeps staring at me. "Jeez! Say something!"

"Something."

"Ha. Ha." Kyla says. "What's wrong with you?"

I pull my thumb away from my mouth. "Spencer is totally all over me."

Kyla looks a little amused. "And you...don't love it?"

"Of course I love it. It's awesome. But it's...she hasn't asked me to be her girlfriend again." I say, with great effort.

"So? Just go for it." She shrugs.

"Are you insane?"

"I don't get it." Kyla looks about ready to laugh.

"This is serious! It's been all summer! She was supposed to get back with me by now."

"I thought you weren't expecting anything."

"I wasn't!" I defend myself. "Just...now I am. I mean, we've come so far..." I try not to pout. It's true. I've given Spencer everything. I've done everything. There's nothing left, and the ball is completely in her court. And yet, she does nothing.

Except, of course, become extremely forward. It's almost unnerving. It wouldn't be if I had that promise, that promise of something more. How hard is it to ask me to be hers again? I never stopped.

"So, ask her."

"Ask her why she doesn't want me?" I roll my eyes, wallowing in self pity. "I don't think so."

"She kisses you."

"Yeah."

"She holds your hand."

"Yeah."

"She tells you she loves you."

"Of course."

"And you two...aren't together?"

"I know!" I hold my hands up. "I feel like we're so solid now...I thought we were back."

"Well, maybe she's waiting for you."

"Maybe she's waiting for some hot chick to stroll up to her and sweep her off her feet." I grumble, frowning. "Some girl that's not me."

"I don't think Spencer would do that."

I stare at Kyla a long time before I decide to go to Spencer's and ask her herself.

She was just settling into bed when I climb up to her window, tapping on the glass. "Ooh. You're at my window. How romantic." She grins and pops it open for me.

I jump in her room, trying to be quiet. "Sorry."

"I was just about to call you, don't be sorry." She pulls me into a kiss. Something I would have welcomed in the past. I still have a hard time turning it away. But I feel like there are more important matters at hand.

Our lips barely touch before I pull back. "Spence..."

"What's wrong?" She asks, tracing her fingers up and down my neck. I wish she wouldn't do that. I shrug away from her touch.

"Don't do that."

Spencer backs away uncertainly. "Why?"

"Don't do it...if you don't mean it."

She gives me a terse smile, not understanding. "I don't...I don't understand."

"You want me?"

"Of course I want you, Ash." She shakes her head like I'm stupid.

"Then tell me."

"I want you."

I press my liips together. "No. _Tell me._"

"I...want you." Spencer says again.

I sigh, looking at her with tired eyes. "Wrong again."

"I don't get it."

I'm a little hurt. "Are you really that dense, Spencer?"

Spencer's mouth opens and closes, not quite sure how to reply to me. "Did you come over here just to play mind games with me?"

"Mind games?" I demand, almost laughing. "I'm playing mind games with you?"

"You're acting really weird..."

"I'm acting weird?!"

"Shhh!" She shushes me, taking a step closer. "My parents are sleeping."

I keep myself from looking sad, rubbing my temples. "I gotta go."

She grabs my arm. "Tell me what's wrong."

I bite my lip, looking at her. I'm almost desperate. "I seriously feel like I shouldn't have to."

"Spend the night." She sounds as desperate as I feel.

"It's a school night."

She searches my eyes. "Please? I want to..I want to spend the night with you."

"You want to have sex with me?" I ask bluntly.

Spencer swallows. "Maybe."

I laugh hoarsely. This time, she can't have what she wants. It has to work for both of us. "I only have sex with my girlfriend, Spencer." Then I turn around, not allowing myself to look back, and I'm halfways out the window before I turn back around. Of course.

Spencer's still standing rooted to her spot. I hurry back to her and press a kiss into her forehead. She grabs my face and kisses me deeply. Then we pull apart. I wait for her to say something. Anything.

She's silent.

I gulp, knowing it's up to me now. "Spencer, it's going to kill me to walk into King High and have everyone know we're not together."

Spencer looks like she wants to say something, but she just looks away. My shoulders sag, and I turn away, too.

I climb out her window, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"I'll pick you up at seven."


	33. Take Your Tears, Put Them On Ice

"Look at her."

Madison and Kyla turn their heads to where I'm looking. Spencer being mobbed at her locker by adoring acquaintances, anxious to make sure she's okay, asking her about her summer, all that good stuff.

The first day of school is always exciting, but for Spencer, this has got to be a bit overwhelming. She's smiling, though.

"She looks happy." Kyla says.

Madison nods, agreeing. "She's like, totally popular."

I roll my eyes. "Taking a bullet straight to the stomach on prom night'll do that to you. Maybe you should consider it."

Kyla winces. "Probably too early for jokes."

"Whatever." I'm sitting at a table with Kyla and Madison, peering at the crowd. No one really cares about us. A few people are casting sidelong glances my way, probably wondering why I'm not at Spencer's side, holding her hand and telling everyone to screw off.

"She's probably telling everyone how available she is." I grumble, glaring.

"Oh!" Madison slaps her thigh. "That's why you're so moody."

"What?" I narrow my eyes.

"Spencer never got back together with you." Madison smirks.

"Madison." Kyla warns, knowing my mood can be explosive.

"Well, look at her! She looks like - "

"Watch it." I snarl.

"She looks heartbroken." Madison finishes, looking at me, bemused.

"She does." Kyla nods.

"Heart shattered." Madison adds.

"Lost."

"Completely - "

"Right here!" I say, holding up my hands. "I'm right here and can here your every word!"

"I thought you said you two were totally getting back together." Madison frowns.

"I never said that."

Madison laughs, shaking her head at me. "You practically flew a banner."

Kyla puts a hand on my shoulder. "She hoped Spencer would come around. I mean, even I thought she would, you know..but." She just shrugs. "Guess not."

We all peer over towards Spencer. The crowd around her is dwindling, and she looks over and catches my eye, giving me a smile and a little wave.

"What was that?" Madison demands.

"Uh, a wave?"

"You are so dense. Is it because of this whole gay thing? Because, really - "

"Shut. Up." I seethe.

"I'm trying to help you, girl. Lesbians just must be blind to the light. It took you two long enough to get together the first time."

"So?" I'm not really in the mood for this. I'd rather be angry and hopeless, and watch Spencer from far away.

"So?" Madison gestures to Spencer. "That girl needs a nudge. A shove, really. She's not going to do it herself, Ashley."

"She broke up with me." I state plainly.

"That's what girls do. They push the person they like away until the other person comes around again. Then, they know that they're truly desired." She says, like she knows it all.

"Maybe that's why everyone at this school hates you, you sociopath." I squint against the sun, turning away from her. Kyla chuckles.

"She's waiting for you." Madison says pointedly. "And I should whip your ass for that, but you're so out of it right now even I feel bad for you."

I look at the ground. "You're insane."

"No, she's right." Kyla says suddenly. "That's totally what I said, too!"

"See! It's gotta be a gay thing!" Madison slaps me on the shoulder. "We both knew it."

"I hate you!" I say loudly. "Why are you even hanging out with us!"

"Because I need to borrow your Expositional Poetry book." She says, looking around. "You're the only freak I know who read it."

"I read it." Kyla interjects. We look at her. "What! It was required reading over the summer."

"I read some of it to Spencer." I defend myself. "She liked it."

"Awww!" Madison claps her hands together.

"Whatever." I throw the book at the ground, looking at Madison. "Fetch."

"You're such a bitch."

"I know." I say, as she gets up and grabs it off the floor.

"And you're helping me with this junk later." She waves the book at Kyla. "You crazy ass, poetry reading Davies sisters."

"It was required!" I exclaim as she wanders away.

"Go talk to your girl!" Madison yells at me, walking backwards. People look, and I glare at her. "She needs a declaration. A promise! Something big!"

I watch her turn back around, speedwalking in the other direction. "She's so..." I can't finish.

"Right?" Kyla look at me, almost smiling.

I just groan. Spencer approaches seconds later. "I feel like a celebrity." She says, hopping on the bench next to me.

"Cool." I say vaguely.

Spencer notices, but doesn't do anything. I've been being weird all morning. She hasn't asked me about last night yet. Neither of us have said anything.

I hate it.

Kyla looks at us, awkwardly sitting next to each other on the bench.

"You two are crazy."

"Yeah." Was say in unison. We look at each other, ready to laugh, then the bell rings.

Spencer looks at her schedule. "What's your first period?"

"Poetry."

"Oooh! Me too!"

"I know." I say dryly. "We signed up for it. Together."

"I remember." Spencer says softly, looking a little embarassed.

I sigh, coming closer to her. "Look, Spence..."

"Hey!" Kyla butts into us, holding out her schedule. "I've got Poetry first period, too!"

It's quiet all the way to class. I take a seat in the far corner, and Spencer watches me, confused, then sits next to me.

Kyla looks ready to follow, but Madison waves her over.

"What's going on?" Spencer whispers. "Come sit up front with me."

"Spencer..." I trail off. "No."

She looks worried for a second, then the teacher starts talking.

Spencer won't stop looking at me all class period.

Halfway through, I notice no one else will, either.

Great.


	34. I Can Feel You Read My Mind

"I'm so beat."

Kyla threw herself on the couch, dropping her bookbag.

"School took a lot out of you?" I smirk, retrieving a glass of water from the kitchen.

"You don't even know."

"I don't."

"You wouldn't. How many remedial classes do you have again?"

Point: Kyla. "Whatever. Ms. Reese gave us homework, you have to help me with it."

"How am I going to help you?" Kyla sits up.

"Uh. Copy?" I shrug.

"Did you even read the assignment?"

I shake my head, guilty.

"Did you even listen?"

"Spencer was right next to me!" I say, which, in my opinion, is a perfecty good excuse.

"You have to pick a poem that resonates with you personally and recite it."

"Whaaaat?"

"From memory?"

"Memory?"

Kyla nods.

"That's dumb."

"It's not dumb. If you think it's dumb, why'd you even sign up for the class in the first place? That's all it's going to be."

"Stupid Spencer." I roll my eyes. The awkwardness hadn't ceased.

"Oh. Now she's stupid?"

"No." I sigh. "She's just...taking her sweet time."

Kyla chew on her lip. "Maybe Madison - and me, might I add - was right."

"What?" I ask, irritated.

"Maybe she's thinking it's your decision now. I mean, you said she's been kind of pushing you, maybe she's trying to give you a hint." Kyla says reasonably.

"Sherry Pena called me a bachelorette." I grimace. "I almost slugged her. Everyone knows."

"Knows what?"

"That she dumped me!"

"Who cares?"

"Um, I care, Kyla. Everyone thinks I'm some monster, and no one knows what's really going on."

"Then...tell them?"

"It's none of their damn business!"

Kyla doesn't say anything.

"I just want my Spencer back." I say sadly, grabbing my book and trudging up the stairs. I have homework to do.

Before I can really get any work done, there's a knock at my bedroom door.

"Leave me alone, Ky."

"Not Kyla." Spencer sticks her head in.

"Oh."

She looks around, then lets herself in, coming to sit on the end of my bed. "Homework?"

"Reading." I put my poetry book down.

"I should probably be doing the same, but..." She just shrugs. "I wanted to see you."

"Yeah."

"So, what's up?" She scoots a little closer to me pointedly.

"Nothing." I scoot away.

"Obviously." She rolls her eyes, holding a hand to her ribs. She does that sometimes. It aches, I'm sure.

"What do you want?" I ask, probably a little too sharply.

"Nothing..."

"Obviously." I mimic.

"Okay, seriously? What's going on?"

"You tell me."

"No, you tell me, Ashley. You've been being so...distant. For days."

"It's not my fault." I cross my arms over my chest.

"I'm not blaming anyone, Ash. I just want to know what's going on with you.." She sounds genuinely confused.

"We're back at school." I say, chewing the inside of my cheek.

"Yeah?"

"And...everyone is pretty much aware that you dumped me. I mean, people were walking up to me and asking me why you broke up with me."

Spencer winces. "Sorry."

"So am I." I shoot back, then scratch the back of my neck. "But, yeah. I just want you to know, I can be your friend and stuff, but if you...if you keep coming by and thinking we're going to have no strings attached sex or whatever, then..."

"Ash!"

"That's not going to happen, Spence." I say, shrugging like it didn't bother me. "I thought you'd come around by now, but - "

"I never - "

"If not, then that's okay." I look away, hiding my eyes, and grabbing the book. "If you've got over me..." I swallow the lump in my throat. "That's okay."

"Oh, Ash..." Spencer puts a hand on my thigh, squeezing. "Why are you saying this?"

"All summer, Spence." I say gently. "All summer. I thought I did everything I could, and I was positive that was enough."

"It was."

"Then...then what the hell are you waiting for?!" I say, tossing the book and blinking back tears. "I mean, I'm right here. I'm waiting! I'm just...I'm just floating here, Spence. Give me something."

Spencer looks at a loss for words. "I...I didn't know you thought that. You're..." She shakes her head. "You're, ah..you're waiting for _me_?"

I don't say anything. I just bite on that same part of my inner cheek, not daring to say a word.

"Okay." Spencer nods, over and over, collecting herself. "Okay. I get that. I can understand that." She stands up, and my heart leaps for a second. Is this it? "Ash. You're amazing. Alright? You're so damn great, I don't even know how to tell you."

I keep my face a mask, waiting for her to go on. She holds one hand against her side, something I'm noticing is becoming a habit.

"I'm letting you do this." She tells me softly, holding her palms out. "These last few months, it was all me...and you're right. You did everything like I needed you to."

I gulp.

"So, this is you, Ash." Spencer looks at me level in the eyes. I don't look away. "I believe in you. I trust you, and I love you. And...you can work with that, okay?"

I absorb her words, understanding the meaning. Then, before I completely process them altogether, she's slinking out the door. I let her go. I have some thinking to do.

Madison was right. Kyla was right. I can't believe it, but it's true. Spencer's held our relationship in her hands the entire summer, delicately, molding it.

Now, she's giving it to me. I know what I have to do. I know what she needs me to do.

I pick my poetry book back up.

I'm going to give Spencer the new beginning, and the closure, that she deserves.


	35. Wear Me

"Ash?"

Spencer pokes me with her pencil, trying to catch my eye. I look around; students are milling about, the third school day of the year. I'm already sick of school.

"Hm?"

"What are you reading?"

"Poems." I mutter.

Spencer nods, not trying to continue the conversation. She's been unbelievably light and cheery ever since our last talk, two days ago. I've just been in a limbo, emotional purgatory. Reading these sappy loves poems are no help. They stick in my head, comitting themselves to my memory without my permission, reminding me of Spencer.

Making me nervous. Fluttery.

I don't know when I became so afraid of her. So insecure around her. Probably when she told me everything was up to me.

The first bell is about to ring. And it's only now just occuring to me, sneaking glances at her over the top of my book, that this summer, I've fallen in love with Spencer Carlin all over again. I'm tongue tied, self conscious, and completely head over heels.

I think she knows this.

"What kinda poems?" She asks, after awhile.

"For school."

"Ah."

"Yeah..."

I know she's waiting. I know I should say something. 'Hey, wanna be my baby, baby?' Something clever. Something that will tell her how much I need her, how torturous it's been to wait for her. But so sweet, also. My favorite torture.

All these thoughts are swirling around in my mind when the bell rings. I almost jump out of my chair.

Spencer smirks adorably. "Jumpy much?"

"Yeah." I sigh, running my hands through my hair. "Real jumpy...uh, let's go to class."

I help Spencer down off the bench, then let go of her hand immediately. She watches me and I pretend not to notice. "Something wrong?"

"Not at all." I shift my book from my right hand to my left.

"Okay." We walk a little bit towards our class before she speaks again. "I was reading my yearbook last night."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. The pictures. Our pictures. You signed it, you know..."

I nod. "I remember."

"Remember what you said?"

I fight the urge to reach over and lace her hand with mine. People glance at us as we walk by. They still talk.

Spencer rubs the sore spot on her ribs out of habit. "You said we'd be together."

"I did say that."

"I liked it." She smiles at me. I can't help but smile back. "Together." She emphasizes, clearly expecting me to say something.

I just open the door for her. I almost enjoy the role reversal, to be honest. When I'm not dying from the impossible nerves, I remember that it's up to me now. She must feel like I felt.

She doesn't look like it, though. She just seems to sure of herself, sure of us. I think I enjoy that a lot more.

"Hey."

Spencer turns around, and a petite redhead girl is standing in front of us, cleavage out to here. "Hey..." Spencer says, a bit uncertainly.

"I'm Carla." She sticks her hand out, and Spencer shakes it, looking amused.

"Hi...uh, I'm - "

"Spencer Carlin. I know who you are." This Carla girl openly eyes Spencer up and down.

Spencer glances at me out of the corner of her eye.. "Oh, you must be new." I say, stepping forward.

Spencer puts a hand on my arm, and turns back to Carla. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Carla." She says with a tiny laugh.

"I moved here from Buffalo. But I know all about you - everyone does." Carla says eagerly. She's flirting with Spencer!

"Spencer - "

"I'm just a sophomore." Carla says quickly, "But you should hang out with me sometime."

"Spencer's not - "

"Ashley." Spencer looks at me. "Calm down."

"Yeah, calm down." Carla smirks.

My jaw drops. My blood boils, but they both act like it's so funny. "The bell's gonna ring." I snarl, grabbing Spencer and pulling her away.

Spencer bursts out laughing. "Ashley!"

"Spencer, that girl is jail bait!"

"She isn't any kind of bait." Spencer rolls her eyes. "She just thinks I'm a celebrity or something."

"Well, she can't just...look at you. And say stuff." I sputter.

"You're jealous."

"No. I'm not. She was just leering at you."

"You're jealous. Admit it."

"Of course I'm jealous. She was - "

"Why are you jealous?" Spencer raises an eyebrow. I see where this is going.

"Because you're mine!" I tell her fiercely, and she looks pleased.

Spencer looks behind her, where Carla is already fading from the end of the hallway. "Show me." Spencer tells me simply, and then we're in class. Spencer leaves me and shuffles to her seat.

Yeah. It's like falling in love all over again. Her lips, her walk, her freaking eyes. God, those eyes. My legs are shaking as I make my way to me seat next to Spencer. She's acting super casual, her hair in her face, and I can't stop staring even as the teacher begins to talk.

Kyla and Madison are across the room, making faces at me.

"Our first project of the school year. Yes, class, as seniors, you will be called upon to complete a one minute recitation of any poem in your Poetry for Beginners book." The teacher drones on. I can hardly hear her.

Madison flicks a note at me, giggling with Kyla.

"You've had two days, with necessary notice, to get this assignment done. Think of it as a diagnostic, if you will."

I open the note.

"You will not be graded, but you will be...observed." The class groans, and I read Madison's writing.

_Stop staring at Spencer! You're so obvious!_

I look to glare at Madison, but instead, see Spencer peering over at the note, fighting a smile. I crumple up the note and drop it to the floor.

"Now, before we begin in alphabetical order, are there any volunteers?"

I look at Spencer, and she smiles at me. I blush, for some reason. She smiles even wider. "What?" She mouths, through her grin.

Some dweeb in the first row raises his hand. "I'd like to go first."

Something swells inside of me.

The teacher smiles. "Very well - "

"Wait!" I cry, as a poem pops into my mind. Everyone looks back at me, and Spencer looks right at me, surprised. "Wait..." I say again, quieter this time.

"Ashley Davies?"

The class snickers, and I glare at them. "Suck it." I say outloud. "I'm going first."

"Ashley, I'm not sure - "

"I said I wanna go." I say firmly, and see Kyla and Madison exchange excited glances.

"No fair!" That same dork says. "I called it first."

"Calm down, dorkus. You'll get your turn." I say gruffly, sounding a lot braver then I felt as I bound to the front of the room, placing a hand on Spencer's shoulder as I pass her. She looks confused, but intrigued.

I know what I have to do. Give her closure. A new start, with me. Together.

"Uhh..." I smooth my jeans out, staring out at the class. It looks a lot bigger.

"Would you like to introduce the poem?" The teacher asks kindly.

I take a deep breathe. Kyla and Madison look expectant. Spencer is leaning forward in her chair, eyes boring holes into my own. They're so blue. She makes it hard to breathe.

"Someone...someone once told me that true love isn't one choice." I can't break eye contact with Spencer. It's impossible. "It's many choices - the same choice. Every day. Over and over again. The same person." I remember Spencer speaking those words to me, and when I say them, they're clear and strong. Unwavering.

"_I want you to wear me comfortably_." I tell Spencer, my poem doing the talking for me. "_As you would a dress, or the silver necklace you wear around your neck.._." Her fingers touch the band hanging from her neck, eyes flashing.

"_Comfortably_.." I continue, feeling emotion clogging my throat. I swallow, continuing lightly. "_So that I am always next to you_."

Spencer's eyes look watery. The entire class sits at attention, glancing from Spencer, to myself. You can't hear anything except my voice.

"_But most important_." I emphasize, and I know she's listening. This is the message I've been trying to send her all summer, the one I know she now understands. "_Something you decide each morning to select_."

I finish, and the entire class is silent, not sure of what to do. Spencer's eyes are watering, nodding slowly. She gets it. "Wear Me." I announce, almost breathless. But I'm not longer shaking. "By Robert E. Kogan."

A pause, and then a burst of applause from a single corner of the room. Kyla and Madison whooping and hollering like idiots. I break into a smile, and when I look back at Spencer, she's glowing, beaming at me.

"Thank you, Ashley." The teacher says, nodding and sending me back to me seat.

Everyone watches me march toward my seat, aware that something big has just went down. Spencer stands, ready to accept me. I shyly approach her, ready with words. "Will you..."

She doesn't have to answer. She knows this. Before I can register it, she's wrapped herself up in me, tangling herself in my hair, my lips, a hot, wet, passionate kiss that doesn't last nearly long enough.

The class ooohs and ahhhhs, and when we pull apart, she puts her lips against my ear. "Don't act so surprised."

I shiver, and then we both sit back down, the teacher trying to calm the riot that ensued from the kiss.

"That was hot, chicas!" Madison yells. "And that's coming from me!"

Eventually, the class does quiet down. And eventually, people do go up, and recite more poetry. I'm sure other stuff happened, but I couldn't stop concentrating on the girl next to me.

I'm sure she had the same problem. Her hand, of course, found its way over to my desk, lacing her pinky through mine. We sat there like that, the rest of the period, letting our hands get to know each other again.

The bell rings, and we're the first two out the door.

Spencer corners me against the trophy case. "My girlfriend is so romantic." She tells me, kissing my fingertips. People stare as they walk by, and for once, I don't care.

"My girlfriend is damn adorable." I say, skin tingling wherever her lips touch.

"I agree." Spencer says, giggling, then leans into me. I sigh, wrapping my arms around her.

"Get a room." Madison says goodnaturedly, sidling up next to us.

"That was very gallant of you, Ash." Kyla tells me proudly. I just kiss the top of Spencer's head, gesturing to her.

"This is my girlfriend." I say, squeezing Spencer tighter.

"That's my girlfriend." Spencer nods her head in my direction, looking at me like I'm the only person in the world.

A guy whistles as he walks past. Madison glares after him, shaking her head. "Yeah, things are the same again." She says, not sounding too happy about it. "Bound to happen."

"Oh, don't be so jealous." Kyla says, grabbing her shoulder. "Come on, I'll hold you hand People will look at us, too."

Madison jerks away. "You Davies sisters..." She mutters.

I'm sure Kyla says something in response, but the way Spencer's leaning into me, and the way she's looking at me. The way I'm holding her, and the way I know things are right again. I have to kiss her. So I do.

"Ohhh! Gross." Madison says, turning away.

"Let's leave them alone." I hear Kyla say. Spencer and I pull apart, satisfied, and stare at each other blissfully.

We look at Madison, who's scowling. Then she softens as Kyla starts to pull her away. "I won't say this again..." She gives us a hint of a smile, lowering her voice. "But it's good to have you freaks back."

And then they're off, disappearing into the crowd. "It's good to be back, huh?" I say, watching the fog of people become less and less dense as they empty into their classes.

"It's great." She plays with my earlobe. "Great to be back."

I nod, agreeing. "You know, we might miss our next class if we wait much longer."

"I think we might miss our next two." Spencer says, beginning to smirk. I kiss her right on her lips, again, like I'm going to keep doing forever.

"Oooh." I purr. "That sounds nice."

"Wanna go?"

"The second day of school, Spencer Carlin. You wanna ditch?"

She presses herself into me. "I wanna ditch."

We missed the rest of our classes that day, somehow ending up in my bed, revealing ourselves to each other again. It was familiar, it was new, and it was a promise of everything else to come.

"Love you, Ash."

"I love you too, Spence." I sleepily grope for her hand, finding it without looking.

It was our promise, the one we would make everyday, the same choice. The same person. Spencer.

And I knew her choice, too.


	36. For Like, Ever

"Stop strutting."

"I'm not strutting."

"Ash, you're so strutting!"

Our hands dangled between us, loosely wrapped around each other.

"I always strut." I shrug.

"I thought you said you weren't strutting."

"Spencer!" I say, exasperated. "I'm strutting because I have a hot girlfriend. And now, everyone knows it."

"Everyone knew it before." She peers around, looking at all the people checking us out. Our first day back at school as an official couple. It feels good.

And just for the record, hell yes, I was strutting.

"Well, now I'm holding your hand. And mackin' on you in between classes. And - "

"I get it. We're hot."

I nod, satisfied.

"You realize, though," Spencer starts, "That you've spoiled me forever?"

"Elaborate."

"Poetic declarations in front of a group of our peers? Looking all cute and nervous and in love?" She teases, kissing the back of my hand. "I don't know how anyone can top that."

"I wasn't nervous." I fake pout, then brighten. "And of course no one can top it. That's the point. You're just going to have to stay with me forever."

"Forever?"

"Forever ever."

"Forever, ever?" Kyla comes out of nowhere, walking by our side, making a face. "_Forever ever_?"

Spencer bursts out laughing, but I just glare. "Way to ruin the moment."

"Oh, come on." Spencer pats me on the arm. "Ashley here was just telling me how we're going to be together forever."

"What were you gonna do?" Madison joins us, jeering. "Make her sign a contract?"

"In blood." I joke lightly, despite the fact that I'm turning a little red.

"Aw! She's blushing!" Madison sounds highly amused by this. "Her heart doesn't pump ice water after all!"

"Unlike some of us." I snap. "Robot whore."

"Robot whore." She repeats, trying it out. "That's a new one. Nice."

"I thought so." I agree brightly. Kyla and Spencer giggle.

"Atleast they're not throwing eggs at each other." Kyla says.

"Atleast.." Spencer echoes, grinning.

"This is so great." Kyla beams, slinging an arm around Spencer and Madison. "Old friends, reunited! It's gonna be such a good senior year, just us girls!"

Madison stiffens. "Ugh. You're so right." She peers at us. "This is like the opposite of a sausage fest."

"The problem with that being?" Spencer asks sweetly.

"Aw. You're so my girlfriend." I kiss her on the cheek, making her smile.

"I need something male." Madison says suddenly, glancing about and primping her hair. "Later, ladies." She peels off from the group, in search of something with testosterone.

"Nice." Kyla says, laughing.

"You too, sister." I say, jerking my thumb over my shoulder. "Take a hike,"

"What?"

"Me and Spencer are going to go make out in the bathroom. We don't need an audience."

"Ah." Kyla puts on a false smile. "How I've missed being the third wheel."

Spencer just laughs and shakes her head apologetically. "Wanna get some early dinner after school?" She asks.

"Sure." Kyla agrees.

"Sorry." I interrupt. "Spencer and I are going to be naked in a dark room all day after school, so - "

"Ashley's treat." Spencer adds, cutting me off.

Kyla grins. "See you two later."

"Spencerrrr!" I groan.

"Ash!"

I pout at her. "Ash. Come on."

"I thought we were going to hang out after school."

"We are hanging out after school."

"But - "

"Hanging out doesn't always equal sex, Ash."

My eyes widen. "No one told me that! I thought 'hanging out' was our, like, codeword."

She looks at me quizzically. "I think you made that up in your own head."

"Did I?"

Spencer nods. I try to glare at her.

"Stop that." She says, lacing around arms through each other as the bell rings. "People are going to think I broke up with you."

I cock an eyebrow at her.

"Again."

"Spencer!"

"Too soon for jokes?" She manages to look remorseful and amused at the same time.

"Apparently not." I grumble, rolling my eyes.

"Aw, baby." She leans close to me, kissing my ear. "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you later."

"Hot!" I hear someone yell.

"Back off, hog!" I yell back. "She's all mine." I wrap a protective arm around her shoulder.

I look back at Spencer, expecting her to admonish me for my display, but she's just gazing at me tenderly.

I smile a little tentatively. "What?" I ask.

She just shakes her head. "I'm so in love with you."


	37. Look To The Past From Our Future

"I still don't know my way around." Spencer glances about the enormous campus, looking intimidated.

"I'm not sure anyone does." I say with a frown, reaching down to grab her hand. My security blanket.

A few months ago, Spencer and I graduated from high school. Even fewer months ago, we had the best summer of our lives - together. And now, it's only been a few days since being official university students - California State University.

Spencer, of course, scored a scholarship. I, of course, knew I couldn't be without her for more than a few minutes at a time and paid my own way in. I was never stupid, but Spencer was just better with school work. We decided we'd handle college together, that that was the best way.

"Hey, you." I bark at some guy with glasses. I point to the name of my class of my schedule. "Where is that?"

"Uh..." He adjusts his glasses, looking at my hand in Spencer's. I roll my eyes. "You wanna go up that long walkway, and that's the building right there. Second floor. You'll find it."

"Will I?"

"Yeah..."

"Good." I look at Spencer. "Let's go, Spencer."

My Mom pulled some strings - we scored a very tiny, cramped dorm together. Apparently, it's the best that money can buy. I'm not impressed.

"You should be nicer." Spencer says sunnily.

"I am nice. I'm the nicest." I cling to her hand. High school was one thing, but university is huge. I'm afraid of losing her.

"You're the nicest to me." She tells me. "Other people, not so much."

I give her a charming smile. "Now, who else am I supposed to be nice to?"

Spencer just smirks.

Living with Spencer, if only for a few days so far, has been a dream come true. We might only see each other for a few minutes a day, our schedules are busy, but they're my favorite. And to fall asleep with her each night - I can't begin to explain how good that feels. Almost as good as waking up next to her every morning.

"Did you call Kyla?"

I nod my head. Kyla got a scholarship to some prestigious art academy in New York. We'd grown pretty close over the past year, and she's my best friend. I'd never been more proud than when I saw her off just a few weeks ago, to go live her life on another coast.

I know she'll do fine.

"She says I have to visit her as soon as possible. Then she talked my ear off about how cute the the guys on the east coast are." I roll my eyes, but Spencer laughs.

"Sounds like Kyla."

"Yep." We keep walking, hand swinging between us.

"Look." Spencer says with a grin, nudging me in a direction. Madison is bringing a platter of drinks and fries to a group of overly blonde, overly chatty girls. She looks completely happy to be doing so.

"Guess she's kissing butt." I say, oddly satisfied.

"She'll be a sister in no time." Spencer says, sure of it. Madison was bred for sorority life. We've come a long way, Madison and I. High school can do that to you. I'm not her biggest fan, and she certainly isn't mine, but the girl is a blast to hang out with. And I know I can count on her.

She catches our eye from across the quad. We don't go to say hello, but she gives us a bright smile and a wiggle of her fingers. I wave a little back at her, half a grin on my face. I know we probably won't interact much, but I do know she'll always be in my peripherals.

"Alright, Spence. This is you." I say, stopping outside a crowded hallway.

Spencer looks at me tenderly. Her hair is shorter, a little bit darker. I told her I've always liked it long and blonde, but she needed change. I don't blame her. She's still the beautiful girl I've always known, just a little older and wiser. We've grown up with each other through a very important part of our lives, and I like to think we've grown into each other.

I can only count the years we've been together on one hand, but I know we have a lot of future ahead of us. "How long do you plan on walking me to all my classes?"

I look at the sky, pretending to count. "What degree are you going for again?"

Spencer shakes her head at me, leaning in for a kiss.

"Whoa!"

Some knucklehead with a Lakers hat barrels into her shoulder, sending her a little off balance. She looks behind her, flustered.

"Watch it, dickface!" I yell at his back.

He turns around, glaring. "You just railroaded my girlfriend, ass." I say, gesturing to Spencer with a mean look at my face.

"Sorry." He mumbles, rolling his eyes and turning back around.

"You better be." I grit my teeth at his retreating figure. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, Ash." Spencer says, cocking an eyebrow. "I'm not made of porcelain."

"But that guy - "

"I know."

"He just - "

"I was there." She's containing her grin.

I stick out my bottom lip in a pout. "It's just 'cause I love ya so much." I trail my toe on the sidewalk, looking shy. I grew approximately one half inch during the past year, cut about one inch off my hair, and changed my favorite color from red to green. So, you could say I've changed. Spencer does. Really, though, I just don't see it.

"What a coincidence." Spencer takes a step closer to me, "I feel the exact same way."

"So, gimme a kiss and get to your class." I tell her, puckering.

She does, and then she's off. I watch her walk away, this girl I love so much.

She loves me a lot, I can tell. I love her dearly. I'm sure she knows this.

I sigh, speedwalking to my classes. They're not that bad, really. And it's just turning dusk before I make it back to my dorm.

Spencer's sitting at the tiny desk, her hair tossed up in a bun, frowning over an open book. She's chewing on her pencil when she looks up.

"How's my little learner?" I wrap my arms around her neck, giving her a quick kiss.

"About three feet deep in schoolwork." She mumbles.

I'm about four feet deep. I just smile. "You hungry?"

She nods.

"I'm making dinner. You keep working."

We enjoy a quiet dinner, sharing stories and laughs. Like I said, living with Spencer is something I always imagined myself doing and always imagined myself loving. And I was right. She cleans up the dishes while I'm just cracking the books.

She uses the bathroom down the hall while I'm reading.

She comes back, wearing her pajamas. She's sleepy, I can tell, and looks completely adorable. She approaches me, out of habit rubbing her hand in a circular motion across her stomach - her spot. It has become a habit, something she does on instinct now.

Her shirt rides up a bit, showing the bottom of a scar that's already begun to fade. She isn't self conscious anymore, in fact, she hardly notices it. I place a hand flat on her stomach, putting down my pen and peering up at her.

"Goin' to bed." She kisses my temple, stifling a yawn.

"I'll be there in a minute, Spence." I give her a tiny smile and she nods, going to climb into our bed. Our one bed, made up of two separate beds pushed together.

I click my light off after a few minutes, pulling all my clothes off, down to my panties. I'm old fashioned like that. Spencer pulls back to covers for me, both of us groaning in tired delight as our bodies fit together, like they always did, a perfect mold. Like they always will.

"Goodnight, sweetheart."

She murmurs a goodnight into my ear, holding me from behind. She says she likes to feel me against her body, against her front.

Despite the loud noises in the room next to us, and the people in the hall stomping around, Spencer has no trouble falling asleep. Never did.

I take a little bit longer. But eventually, I always fall asleep.

Sometimes Spencer has nightmares, wakes up with a scared look on her face, wide eyes. I always tell her there's nothing to be afraid of when I'm there, pressing a warm kiss right onto her forehead. Usually, she goes right back to sleep.

I never tell her I have nightmares, too. Loud gunshots haunt my dreams, Spencer, a vision in a bloody prom dress. Her eyes fluttering shut for what, in my dream, is forever.

But I wake up, and I can always feel her. She's always there, and I hope she always will be. We're strong, I don't doubt that.

So I don't tell her about my dreams, but I'm sure they're the same as hers. Dreams about fear, dreams about death and doom.

But I don't speak of it.

We were both there when she was on the receiving end of a stray bullet, and we were both there when she got better.

Now, we're both here for the dreams. I know I wouldn't want it any other way.

I figure this just brings us closer together, in a really gloomy, morbid way.

I have other dreams, too. Dreams about us. Happiness. My Spencer.

Our future.

Those, I tell.

**End**


End file.
